The sounds of the band. The thrill in the air. The joy of discovery. The excitement of the chase. The challenge of the seduction. The explosion of sexual bliss. The peaceful slumber. And now… the furtive escape.
In any lasting six hour relationship, there comes a time when you wake next to your new lover and you have to make the call: should I stay, or should I save myself? Often this depends on the qualities of your new-found lifemate, as seen through newly sober eyes and better lighting. Is she every bit as beautiful as you thought she was in the club? Is he just as dashing and dangerously handsome as he was when he came to tow your car? Is her hygiene exactly as you surmised? Now is the time, while your new honey is sleeping, for you to take a few moments and accurately rate them on their appearance, cleanliness, remembered motor skills, and whether or not you'd be willing to admit to what you just did in front of family and friends.
Right. You need to get out of there.
The first step is to get out of bed (or the couch, or the bathtub, wherever you ended up) without disturbing the other occupant(s). This is as much art as skill, and it can take years of careful study to master. Most of all, it takes patience and careful attention to detail. Even if your honeybunny is snoring like a chainsaw cutting through a refrigerator, take the time to be cautious. There is no moment more awkward than when your date awakes to find you standing on one foot, naked, in the process of carefully slipping the other leg out from under their head. It is also a good idea to stay low. Spread yourself as wide as is manageable over the sleeping surface to minimize your weight, get an arm or a leg onto the floor, and then ease yourself over the side. This has the added benefit of dropping you out of sight, which can help if your movements woke anybody and they peer blearily around to see what's happening.
Should they wake, seize the moment. Immediately embrace them and apologize for waking them up. "Hey babe," you can say. "I was just heading out for pancakes, let's go!" and then lose them in the lobby. Other diversion tactics include smacking an imaginary scorpion on the wall directly over their heads, or offering a morning snort of whatever you were drinking, smoking or shooting the night before (loading them up while making sure you stay conscious and capable of movement).
Should you escape the bed of despair, do not relax your guard and think yourself home free. You're not fully safe until you've left the building entirely and gotten out of sight of anyone who could remember seeing you, for money. Carefully collect your things, making sure to leave nothing that can be used to identify you. Do not shower! It is understandable that you may wish to freshen up, or even frantically scrub your genitals with steel wool and some sort of astringent cleaner, but you can do that later. Above all, do not look in any mirror. The sight of your own hungover, bruised, lipstick-and-spermicidal jelly-smeared face is very likely to cause you to make a sound, and sound is your enemy now.
Do not fully dress. Takes too much time, and coming out of an apartment building or hotel carrying your shoes and shirt is the international symbol for cabdrivers the world over to stop, pick you up, and get you the hell out of there immediately. Tip them very well indeed, my friend, they've saved your life.
Should you get caught sneaking out, have your excuse ready. Stammering or hesitating is the mark of the amateur. Be bold and decisive is my advice, and the more confusing the better. The longer your paramour has to think about what you just said, the more time you have to find the stairwell. Some suggestions:
"I've been voted Pope! I must go."
"9:30 appointment at the clinic, you understand, dear.”
“I’m not comfortable in this room, there are too many corners! Where are the birds? Where are the birds!”
(after hearing a siren outside) “Oh no, an emergency! The city needs me!”
Finally, when you’ve double-checked to make sure you haven’t inadvertently dropped your wallet, car keys or birth certificate, make your way quietly out the most convenient door, window or air conditioning vent. Remember, you’re not safe until you’re well out of screaming range. If your temporarily loved one works in law enforcement, or is especially ugly, you may want to wipe your fingerprints and sweep the sheets and floor for DNA traces.
And finally, some tips on how to make things easier for yourself the next time, and we both know there will be a next time, don’t we? Forewarned is forearmed, and your sordid, sleazy encounter will be much more rewarding when you don’t have the worry of your eventual escape to deal with.
First, before you leave your house, apartment or dormitory, remove anything that could be used to identify you. Leave your driver’s license at home, hide your video store membership, and use a soldering iron to burn off any significant moles (or create new ones). If you look young enough to be carded, take along some generic ID with a different name on it, possibly that of an enemy or business competitor. Practice with the name until you answer to it readily, even during emergencies and climax. Wear loose clothing and comfortable, slip-on shoes with good running treads.
Never go to the same bar or club twice in the same season. This may be a problem if you live in a small town, but it’s worth it. It hardly does you any good if you manage to duck your embarrassing drunken mistake only to run into him again the next night by the pool table.
Don’t invent a job that can be traced. Stay vague and nonspecific and, if you can manage it, boring about your imaginary profession. You want something that your prospective partner won’t ask questions about, or use to track you down afterward. I suggest dot com investor, traveling piano tuner, or serial killer.
There are arguments for both sides of the wedding ring controversy. Should you remove it, so as not to look like such a bastard? Or should you keep it on, so as not to expose the tell-tale untanned band of skin around your ring finger which makes you look like such a pathetic bastard? If you’re going to be doing this regularly, I suggest having a semi-precious stone placed in a snap-on high school class ring shell that can be quickly attached and removed from your wedding ring. Avoid the whole problem, that’s my advice.
Once the pickup is accomplished and you repair to the selected den of sin, take some simple precautions. Avoid touching flat, smooth surfaces with your bare fingertips. Do not shed. Avoid fully disrobing if you can; if you can’t, aim the shoes towards the door, and lay your pants or skirt across them with the legs tucked into the shoes, if applicable. Practice at home until you can leap into your pants and land in your shoes in one easy movement. Firefighting training can come in very handy here. If you have difficulties mastering this skill, consider changing your personal style to begin wearing simple one-piece garments such as tunics, kilts, or choir robes.
Finally, always remember that the person you’ve just run out on is a living, loving human being, with feelings and aspirations and hopes and dreams. Remember that your abandoned lover may have already developed affections for you, and may even have seen ways that your presence in his or her life could change it for the better. Remember that even as they lay there sleeping, they may be dreaming of a wonderful life ahead, with the most perfect person in the world. And as you remember that, let that speed your feet as you get the hell out of there.