Poor, poor, Daytona Beach. Special events are bleeding us dry, running off other tourists, bringing in tons of money that leaves just as quickly, annoying the sea oats out of the locals, trashing our reputation, stealing our daughters, rustling our cattle, and raising our cholesterol. Is there nothing that can be done?

Every year Speed Weeks costs us thousands of dollars for the increased traffic management. Every year Bike Weeks suck up their own thousands for the imported policemen. Every year Spring Break grabs their share for trashed hotel rooms and street cleanup. And every year Black College Reunion charges us for all of that, all over again.

We can't eliminate these events entirely. Daytona Beach does benefit economically, and they do get us mentioned in the worldwide press, which is always nice (as long as the stories don't use the words 'debacle,' 'indictment,' or 'laughingstock'). The answer is to keep the good stuff while reducing the amount of hassle and money these events cost us, and this is actually quite simple.

Schedule them all for the same week.

Do you see the elegant simplicity of this? One week of hell out of 52 has got to be better than spreading them out over the entire spring season, and just look at the advantages:

– The extra policemen, medical personnel, cleanup crews, drug dealers and prostitutes imported week after week to deal with the increased populace now only have to come in once, a clear savings.

– There will be very little crossover. Aside from attendees with multiple interests, for the most part you'll have race fans on International Speedway Boulevard and in the steak houses, Spring Breakers on the beach and in the clubs, BCR visitors on A1A and on the sidewalks, and bikers on Main Street and in the emergency room. Residents can hide in Ormond-by-the-Sea until it's safe to return.

– Police and rescue personnel will be able to double and triple up on emergency calls, the same way that busy pizza delivery people take several orders on the same run.

– Once the noise hits a certain level it can't get any louder to the human ear, probably.

– Some types of overlap might be encouraged. Race fans might appreciate seeing the Winston Cup cars idle slowly down A1A for all to see, and I for one would pay to see 30 tricked-out BCR-bound custom cars whipping around Turn 3 at the Speedway, flinging neon undercarriages and airbrushed hoods into the stands. I would, however, draw the line at race fan cole slaw wrestling.

– The annual T-shirts will be really interesting.

– A crowded city is a safer city. No one will be able to move fast enough for a moving violation or traffic accident. Spring Breakers falling from balconies will land on a soft bed of NASCAR fans. It won't matter if bikers wear helmets or not since they'll be shoulder-to-shoulder anyway so they can't fall over. A disgruntled BCR attendee or Earnhardt enthusiast will be limited to shooting the six people immediately around him (although self-inflicted gunshot wounds may skyrocket).

– The combined concerts will be show business magic. I'm thinking Chingy and Faith Hill, Matchbox 20 and Lil' Kim (featuring 50 Cent), maybe Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson duetting their hearts out onstage with Brooks and Dunn.

In fact, why stop with the spring events? Let's reschedule all of them and be done with it.

Cheerleading competitions. The LPGA tournament. Surfing competitions. The Garden Show. The Florida International Festival. The Turkey Run. The Children's Expo. Arts shows, reggae festivals, major concerts, everything, even Biketoberfest.

Imagine the savings to the community! Buying in bulk is always cheaper, and there's really no sense in plunging out the same gutters five weeks in a row. In fact, the only place where we'd see a problem in dwindling resources would be in the accommodations needed to house all of our simultaneous visitors, but that's where the real beauty of my plan comes in.

Time-sharing.

If all of the special events were scheduled for the same week, a significant percentage of Volusia County residents would pick that week to be elsewhere — I certainly would — and why not make some money at the same time? Rent your house out to a biker, race fan or college student, and when you come back, relaxed and refreshed, the whole community can spend a week working together to repair each other's drywall and replumb each other's houses.

We could even make a festival out of it, like a citywide barn-raising. Parties, dancing, fireworks, singing, bands, the whole works. A whole week of bonding and sharing as we work together to make our city nice again for the people who live here all year.

Locals only, please.