Kiss her. A lot.
Not while she's eating hot soup, though.
You can never go wrong by helping her with chores, unless you screw it up, in which case you might as well just stay on the couch and supervise.
Breasts are like rabbits. They're soft and love to be touched, but they'll run away if you just grab at them. Also, they spread disease.
Nothing impresses your lady more than when you brag about her to your friends. It's probably not a good idea to call them and brag while you're actually having sex, though.
Never masturbate over anything that isn't machine washable.
Chicks dig gifts. Check around and see if your previous dates left any jewelry or underwear you can wrap.
The first date is when she finds out all about you. This should happen slowly, over the course of a dinner or an evening of dancing, so you should plan on wearing pants, at least initially.
Bedtime nicknames should be playful and sexy. Avoid nicknames like "Whore," "Sergeant, yes Sergeant," "Deathhole," and "Slant-eyed bitch."
Stroke her like you're trying to rub a smudge off of a mint copy of "The Incredible Hulk" #181 (1st appearance of Wolverine) with your finger without damaging its CGC rating and resale value.
Avoid praising the bodies of your lover's friends, especially if you're boning her at the time.
Don't be afraid to show her how much she means to you. When you get up to leave, drop a $20 on the pillow so she can buy herself something nice.
Don't worry if you can't get it up. It happens to every guy eventually, and it's natural. Fag.
If you place your ear right up against her vulva, you can hear the ocean.
If you place her ear right against her vulva, you can hear a cracking noise.
Many women have uncomfortable relationships with their sisters. These can be due to jealousy, or distance, or traumatic events that are still painful to consider. Take the first step in helping her mend her familial bonds by opening your bed to her sister.
This works with estranged mothers, too, if they're hot.
If you break up with her and she takes it hard, date only men for a few months so she won't think less of herself as a woman.
Nipples can be very sensitive. Never do anything to them that you couldn't do to a cellphone.
Women hate it when you stop lovemaking to watch a passing play, no matter how beautifully the quarterback threw the ball, so it's perfectly all right and even considerate to use family funds to buy TiVo.
Never get "playful" with anything that you don't know for a fact you can safely retrieve, especially if it's your car keys and you don't have copies.
If porn has taught us anything it's that all women love giving head for hours. Tell her if she doesn't it's because she's a lez.
Thanks to the constant stream of beauty-conscious attitude that bathes our media, most women, no matter how beautiful, are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Respect her self-esteem by hiding the video camera where she won't notice it.
Going down on a woman is fun, but it can take days to finish and puts a major crick in your neck. But if you sneak an electric toothbrush down there with you, you can be out of there in five minutes.
Pubic hair can be a sore spot with some women, and you may not be able to find the right way to bring up the subject of thickets and the benefits of landscaping. Just wait until she's asleep and trim her up any way you want.
When going at it doggie-style, never face towards the TV. It's rude, disrespectful, and insulting. Instead, just point her towards a mirror that's facing the TV.