Just recently, Pepsi announced a new low-carb creation, Pepsi Edge. Pepsi Edge is guaranteed to contain half the sugar, carbohydrates, and calories of the popular soft drink, thereby eliminating dangerous and unhealthy sources of taste. This innovative marketing strategy is now poised to join the low-carb landslide already rolling merrily along with Subway's new wraps, Hardee's new breakfast bowl, and McDonald's new policy of not selling food to fatties for fear of litigation.

Will Coke drinkers everywhere drop their cans to embrace the new "healthy" Pepsi Edge? The ones in the Atkins cult will, because after you've survived on water and green tea concentrate for a few weeks you'd be willing to guzzle down almost anything with the word "carb" on the label.

But devout, patriotic Coke drinkers such as myself would never fall for such a pathetic, jump-on-the-bandwagon ploy. Fortunately, by an amazing, one-in-a-million coincidence, Coca-Cola is also testing a new low-carb version, code-named Coke Ultra. This is not to be confused with the new low-carb Michelob Ultra, currently locked in pitched battle with Coors' new low-carb Aspen Edge, although you'd think the marketers could have thought of new names.

I'm a veteran of these kinds of skirmishes. My father was a salesman for Coca-Cola for many long years and nothing else was permitted in the house. Even water was suspect in those dark, pre-Dasani days and my loyalties were quickly engrained. From an early age I could identify any brand blindfolded, a trick I performed for elderly relatives. Our constant supply of Cokes also became my first regular income since Dad often forgot about the stacks of crates piling up in the garage and the corner store would pay me for the empties. I'm a firm believer in recycling if it gets me comic books and Slurpees.

So go ahead, ask me anything.

Will the new low-carb drinks be healthier?

"Healthier" is such a subjective term. They will indeed have fewer carbs than the regular brands, and that's all that matters. Their ability to clean corrosion from car battery posts will remain intact.

What about Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi? They don't have any carbs, sugar, or calories. Why not just push them?

Silly reader! These new products will be infinitely more refreshing because they'll have new theme songs.

Doesn't this kind of arms race, fad marketing dilute the brands and weaken sales on the flagship drinks?

Of course not. Sure, Coca-Cola has created Coke, New Coke (now Coke II), Coke Classic, Cherry Coke, Caffeine-Free Coke, Diet Coke, Coca-Cola Light, Coca-Cola Light with Lemon, Vanilla Coke, Vanilla Coke with Lemon, Diet Coke with Lemon, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Coke with Vodka, and Cherry Coke with Vanilla, Lemon, Lime, Another Cherry, and a Twist of Radish, but no one ever buys them. They're just there so Pepsi can't get any shelf space.

What about that New Coke fiasco, anyway?

We will never speak of it again.

Isn't it obvious Coke and Pepsi are just copying each other, over and over?

I don't know what you mean. Tab came out whole months after Diet Pepsi, and Coke's caffeine-free version came out a year later than Pepsi Free. Oh, sure, Coke's music download site (mycokemusic.com) also debuted soon after Pepsi hooked up with iTunes.com. But Coke was here first, so that doesn't count. Remember, Coke is the soft drink of America! Also India, Russia, and a good chunk of the rest of the world.

Aren't all soft drinks bad for you?

Of course not! Judging from the commercials alone I'd have to say that Coke straightens teeth, adds luster to your hair, improves your tan, increases the size of your… Well, yes, frankly, they are. But Coke is the best one and I wouldn't dream of shortening my life with any other. Ignore Pepsi's feeble attempt at fad capitalization!

Wait for Coke's. It'll be along soon.