Welcome to Spring Break in sunny Daytona Beach, Florida, the World's Most Respectful Beach! Every year countless thousands of college students escape their scholastic drudgery to come bask in the sun, enjoy each other's completely dressed company, and contemplate the unassailable dignity of each and every special, individual human being.

At least that's what the naked guys on the balcony said they were doing.

OK, maybe in Spring Breaks of the past there might have been unsubstantiated rumors of slightly risque goings-on — coed dancing, teens watching motel HBO without parental supervision, the accidental ingestion of beer — but we'd like to assure the vacationing families of America that your children are safe here, that we are wholesome and good, and your money is welcome. Towards that end, the people in charge of the annual beach party have spared no expense in coming up with exciting new activities to keep our nation's Spring-Breaking future happy, healthy, and legally sober. Check it out!

Beer-Bagging Contests — Attractive young men and women take the stage with six-packs of beer and a stack of grocery bags to demonstrate the mad skills they'll need to survive after their grade point averages drop below 3.0.

Belly-Busting Competition — Don't miss the thrills, spills, and painful-to-watch antics as hundreds of people gather 'round the pool deck to cheer on their foolhardy friends who have chosen these two fun-filled weeks to go on Atkins. Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

Blessed for Beads — Hot babes are on the sand, young and healthy guys are cruising by with handfuls of beads, and you know what that means! That's right, Bible verses! Just toss a string of beads at one of these lovely ladies to receive an exciting glimpse of a personally relevant line from scripture. Boo-yah!

Pet T-shirt Competition — Saucy teens compete to show off their playful, bouncing pet T-shirts. Who will win? The adorable "kittens in the laundry basket" tank top? The sassy "I Heart My Canary" sweatshirt? C'mon pet lovers, let the puppies breathe!

Moral Wrestling — After filling an inflatable pool with baby oil in front of hundreds of screaming fans, contestants will strip down to jeans and polo shirts and, right in front of everybody, debate the effects of moral relativism on the mores of the 21st century urban American. The winner gets to distribute the unused baby oil to the homeless. You won't believe your eyes!

Bikini Company Contest — It's a no-holds-barred slugfest as these exciting, sexy women prance around the stage and battle each other to see who can manage the most successful swimwear business in today's corporate environment. Will Trixie from NYU win by working the crowd into a frenzy with her innovative plans for marketplace positioning? Or will University of Kentucky's "Tanline" LaRue shock everyone and steal the show by whipping out her customer and supplier focus teams? Better get in close, guys, the stock offerings are gonna fly!

It's All About Respect, Stupid — Jump into the city's hot new promotion that encourages students to take pride in themselves, to respect each other as thinking, feeling human beings worthy of consideration and dignity, and to help find the "Respect" signs that were stolen during the last promotion.

Plus there's moderately raucous music by Paul Anka and Deborah Gibson, booths and games at the Readers Digest Expo, nightly "All You Can Think" hours at City Island Library, and plenty of visits from Daytona Beach mascot, Abby the Abstinence-Only Squirrel.

Spring Break 2004! It just doesn't get any duller than this. Tell your friends!