Posts Tagged ‘advice’

"It's a good thing I was born a female, or I'd have been a drag queen."
–Dolly Parton

If you ever been in a state of such utter manic boredom that you were curious about what it might be like to spend time with my wife and me, all you have to do is run right out and rent "The Birdcage". The movie with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as a homosexual nightclub owner and his lover and star attraction. We're identical.

Not exactly, of course. Robin Williams' character (Armand Goldman) was a much better dresser than I am, and he was in better shape. But aside from a minor difference in sexual preference, watching his basic style and his deadpan, sarcastic delivery is very much like spending an evening with me. Sad, isn't it? Their home decor is even close to ours, although we have more nekkid lady artwork and way more laundry laying around. And every time Albert (played by Lane) yelps, I look at Teres. She just smiles and looks puzzled. Who, me?

It's true. She shrieks, at every caprice of fate, real and imagined. Spilled soup. Yellow traffic lights. A ringing phone. Abrupt oral sex. Flash bulbs. Getting a question right while watching "Win Ben Stein's Money". And if you combine all these, it gets worse. Read the rest of this entry »

Many American youngsters participating in federally funded, abstinence-only programs are being taught that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teen-agers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus, and that touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy," a congressional staff analysis has found. I didn’t know half this stuff.

I favor comprehensive sex education – although I’m not sure how “comprehensive” it could be when there’s no lab work or humorous skits involved – but I could reluctantly accept abstinence-only teaching as being better than nothing. I can even see an upside to it since my children, being better-informed, will have clear advantages over lesser-trained teens when it comes to putting the moves and layin’ down the velvet hammer. Read the rest of this entry »

Tired of your friends bragging about the all-night strip poker game? Frustrated at all the fun adult games in novelty stores or porn shops, games with names like "Around the World in Bed" or "Between the Sheets" or "Shutes and Garters" or something? The ones with blurry-yet-sensual pictures of an impossibly handsome man and a centerfold woman playing a board game in front of a fireplace?

Or you've seen dice that always seem to be bright pink, with words on them instead of numbers (one die has verbs, the other invariably lists body parts). And you've thought to yourself, "Wow, you can really have a lot of sexy fun when you have a playful lover. Now, if only I had a goddamn lover!"

Hey, hey, imaginary person! You don't need anyone else to have fun, unless you're trying to seesaw. Any game ever designed or twisted for adult purposes can also be used for some solitary pleasure. And why not? Why should you limit yourself to quick, furtive wanking when you can enjoy the same sorts of playful, competitive, gonna-end-in-sex fun as anybody else?

I don't mean just playing naked Solitaire. That's pathetic and boring, especially after the first twenty-five times. No, you want something lively and sensual, something designed to tantalize and arouse so as to bring about greater and more powerful sexual satisfaction. Sex games are also a good way to ease yourself past your own shyness. Maybe you're not sure if you want to take the relationship you have with yourself to the next level. Maybe you're uncomfortable with your body, and you're not sure if you're ready to let yourself see it. Sex games are a great way to break the ice and get yourself into a relaxed, excited mood, especially when used in conjunction with vodka. So give it a try! Here's some examples.

Jack Poker – Like the strip variant, only with a few less people. You can play it the old fashioned way, by dealing out two or more hands and playing them all in turn, losing bits of clothing as each hand loses, but it gets complicated trying to hurriedly dress and strip again as you change hands. Positions. You know what I mean. Much easier to go online and find a virtual poker game to play against (Yahoo has one). Play against the computer and bid as directed, but lose articles of clothing every time you lose a hand. Naughty, isn't it? Can you feel the excitement building as you unbutton your shirt? Do you find yourself hunching to conceal a raging erection from yourself? Damn, this is hot!

Twisted – Naked Wesson Oil Twister is tricky to play by yourself, but don't give up. Keep the spinner near whichever hand isn't currently load-bearing. Then just spin the spinner and call the shots! The oil gives your body a slick and sexy feel, and playing in front of a mirror allows you to catch surreptitious glances of parts of your anatomy you don't ordinarily get to see, such as your own perineum. But the real fun of playing Twister is the close contact. You’ll never know if you're going to direct yourself to move your hand or your leg in such a way as to come into contact with yourself. Will you get offended? Will you get aroused? Will you get lucky? Get Twister!

Truth or Dare - Now we're talking! Get in your pajamas, make some s'mores, huddle up on the bed and play. Each turn you have to either answer your own question, no matter how personal or embarrassing, or you can choose an intimate task for yourself to perform. Hours of fun, and you'll be much closer to yourself afterwards. Feel the heat rise as you wait breathlessly to hear what erotic task awaits!

Role-playing - It can get boring doing it the same way, time after time. Hop into bed or slink into the bathroom and do what needs doing. Where's the excitement in that? Liven it up by trying different costumes, be different people. Every sex guide, even the respectable ones, suggests role-playing as a way to spice up your sex life, so give it a try! You can dress up and be a masturbating priest, a pirate, a president! Whack off the way Humphrey Bogart would, or Madonna, or the Secretary General of the United Nations. Pretend you're a babysitter pleasuring herself, or Cleopatra after an unsatisfying date with Marc Antony.

Please note I am not referring to the Dungeons & Dragons type of role-playing. I'm sorry, but figuring out your masturbating experience on graph paper and rolling for encumbrance would just be pathetic.

Sensations - Masturbation is a powerful erotic experience, but it tends to lack surprise and spontaneity. You can bring the sparks back into your love life by bringing back the element of uncertainty. Next time you're sitting there watching the game, sneak up and grab yourself without warning. Surprise yourself in the bath, or pounce on your unsuspecting body in the car wash. Blindfold yourself and feed yourself different types of food – you'll get lost in the rapturous sensation of helplessness and trust, and the delighted surprise and sensuality of never knowing what you'll tantalize yourself with next. Avoid hot soup.

There's lots of others, just take any game you enjoy and assign smutty penalties, rewards and prizes. Monopoly (long, but worthwhile), Hide and Seek (thrilling and adventurous), even Checkers can be a wildly arousing activity when you know you'll have yourself naked and wet at the end of it. Try it! Liven up your sex life with a little playfulness, and I promise you'll be amazed at the reaction you get. Especially if your roommate walks in to find you playing naked Wesson Oil Twister by yourself.

Are you famous? Can we watch you have sex?

It's all the rage these days. Celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Vince Neil have all seen their careers skyrocket after the public got a gander of their sexy shenanigans. Well, maybe not Vince Neil.

Within minutes of the word getting out people all over the world, even people who don't like these celebrities, were beating their computers with sticks to make them download faster. And this frenzied attention translated to increased public awareness, more job offers (some of them even legitimate) and good times for celebrity stalkers who no longer had to fantasize quite as hard.

But it's not as easy as just throwing a tape in the camera and greasing up. For the maximum media penetration your porn debut must be carefully orchestrated so that a) you can get the publicity while still keeping your reputation safe, and b) everyone in the world gets to see your wobbly bits at least twice. You can only do this kind of thing once before it becomes your career, so do it carefully. Here's some tips. Read the rest of this entry »

Kiss her. A lot.

Not while she's eating hot soup, though.

You can never go wrong by helping her with chores, unless you screw it up, in which case you might as well just stay on the couch and supervise.

Breasts are like rabbits. They're soft and love to be touched, but they'll run away if you just grab at them. Also, they spread disease.

Nothing impresses your lady more than when you brag about her to your friends. It's probably not a good idea to call them and brag while you're actually having sex, though.

Never masturbate over anything that isn't machine washable.

Chicks dig gifts. Check around and see if your previous dates left any jewelry or underwear you can wrap.

The first date is when she finds out all about you. This should happen slowly, over the course of a dinner or an evening of dancing, so you should plan on wearing pants, at least initially.

Bedtime nicknames should be playful and sexy. Avoid nicknames like "Whore," "Sergeant, yes Sergeant," "Deathhole," and "Slant-eyed bitch."

Stroke her like you're trying to rub a smudge off of a mint copy of "The Incredible Hulk" #181 (1st appearance of Wolverine) with your finger without damaging its CGC rating and resale value.

Avoid praising the bodies of your lover's friends, especially if you're boning her at the time.

Don't be afraid to show her how much she means to you. When you get up to leave, drop a $20 on the pillow so she can buy herself something nice.

Don't worry if you can't get it up. It happens to every guy eventually, and it's natural. Fag.

If you place your ear right up against her vulva, you can hear the ocean.

If you place her ear right against her vulva, you can hear a cracking noise.

Many women have uncomfortable relationships with their sisters. These can be due to jealousy, or distance, or traumatic events that are still painful to consider. Take the first step in helping her mend her familial bonds by opening your bed to her sister.

This works with estranged mothers, too, if they're hot.

If you break up with her and she takes it hard, date only men for a few months so she won't think less of herself as a woman.

Nipples can be very sensitive. Never do anything to them that you couldn't do to a cellphone.

Women hate it when you stop lovemaking to watch a passing play, no matter how beautifully the quarterback threw the ball, so it's perfectly all right and even considerate to use family funds to buy TiVo.

Never get "playful" with anything that you don't know for a fact you can safely retrieve, especially if it's your car keys and you don't have copies.

If porn has taught us anything it's that all women love giving head for hours. Tell her if she doesn't it's because she's a lez.

Thanks to the constant stream of beauty-conscious attitude that bathes our media, most women, no matter how beautiful, are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Respect her self-esteem by hiding the video camera where she won't notice it.

Going down on a woman is fun, but it can take days to finish and puts a major crick in your neck. But if you sneak an electric toothbrush down there with you, you can be out of there in five minutes.

Pubic hair can be a sore spot with some women, and you may not be able to find the right way to bring up the subject of thickets and the benefits of landscaping. Just wait until she's asleep and trim her up any way you want.

When going at it doggie-style, never face towards the TV. It's rude, disrespectful, and insulting. Instead, just point her towards a mirror that's facing the TV.

1. Pick one faith and stick with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger then your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight. You're just asking for trouble.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Dark Lords.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, thugee knife, service revolver, garlic, cab fare, condoms, and change.
7. Never be a cultist that goes to rough up the heroes. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a definite no-no.
8. When Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the cult leader. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
9. Don't gloat.
10. If you do gloat, never reveal your plans.
11. If you gloat and reveal your plans, never leave the heroes to die slowly. They don't.
12. If you do gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the heroes to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you.
13. Heroes always arrive at the last moment to foil you. Start a half hour early. They hate that.
14. Select ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
16. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
17. During ritual sacrifice, taking bits home "for later" is now considered bad form.
18. Blood tests are now required of all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV-positive offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
19. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and incantations do not mix. When the crap hits the fan, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on, and the gibbering monstrosity that will go away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a nice hot bath.
20. Never have sex with anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable about.
21. Never admit to having sex with anything whose genetic structure you were not absolutely comfortable about.
22. Never play strip Tarot.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god, and his soul. However, it is also true that God is on the side of the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible or even possible, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock-victim sculpted from Spam™ will be all right, too.

Originally published in "The Unspeakable Oath," April 1993, Pagan Publishing. It started popping up online after that, with occasional changes or additions and often without my name on it, but the original is mine.

May is National Masturbation Month – although I wouldn't look for President Bush to act as Grand Marshall at the parade any time soon – and many of you have questions concerning this time-honored activity.

Q: How old is masturbation?

A: Anthropologists have kept it under wraps, but the fossilized remains of the 3.5 million year old young girl found in Hadar, Ethiopia and nicknamed "Lucy" clearly show that she died because she was too distracted by an amazingly shaped 12" gourd to notice the falling tree. Masturbation actually predates the opposable thumb, and may in fact have inspired it so as to better grasp the situation.

Q: Is it harmful to masturbate?

A: Despite the warnings given by religious leaders, worried parents and the guy who invented graham crackers, masturbation is only harmful in the following situations:
1. If you begin to blister.
2. If you put someone's eye out.
3. If you are standing on the edge of a precipice.
4. If it blocks you from reaching the autopilot.
5. If you use harmful accessories, such as cacti, explosives, Ben Gay, or live bees.

Read the rest of this entry »

It can take a long time to learn your lover's rhythms. Each person has their own inner beat, and nowhere (except for television channel changing) is it trickier to synchronize your tastes than in bed. Have you ever zigged when you should have zagged? Has your lover ever zagged when they were supposed to zig, even after you made puppy noises when they almost zigged, and any halfway sensitive person would have noticed that and damn well zigged 'til they were blue, but no, your lover had to go and zag like a selfish bastard and throw you completely out of the moment and the whole time your lover was looking at you like you weren't pissed off, right, and yelping at you like an idiot, "Say my name! Say my name!"

Well, we've all been there.

Establishing a rhythm during lovemaking can be tricky, especially for those of us who sing only in the shower or more than 300 yards away from other people, by court order. You can try putting really loud clocks in the bedroom, or even a metronome on the headboard as a cool decoration and valuable pace-setting tool (use 100-120 bpm in 2/4 time for a lively evening, only moving up to 160-172 bpm if you have a durable partner and a strong heart). You could even use dance rhythms to keep your focus, although if your partner overhears you muttering "One, two, three, one, two, three," under your breath over and over you soon may be dancing alone. But these methods, while dependable, leave you with a steady, boring beat that will bring your partner to ecstasy only by perseverance and long-lasting batteries. Much better to use music.

Read the rest of this entry »

You've seen the offers in your e-mail! You've gotten the piles of junk mail at your front door! You've seen the amazing offers televised as late night "local programming"! But now, for a limited time only, thanks to this website, you can get all these insider secrets for absolutely free! Jealously-guarded tips from the world's greatest lovers, previously available only through mail-order books and court transcripts, are yours for the taking! You'll never need to read your spam again. Or any of your e-mail, just delete it all, because we've covered everything!

How to Get Any Woman You Want

It's just so easy! All you have to do is to work out, plan your finances carefully, and take sensitivity courses until you become a nice, hot-looking rich guy. What could be easier? Other suggestions:

- Carry Godiva chocolates with you at all times.
- Pay them.
- Tell them that by dating you they can drive their mother crazy.
- Keep a "lover's kit" in your car: romantic card, sensual (but not tacky) lingerie, silk flowers, burlap sack, ether.
- Get a fatal but non-catching disease, and contact the Make-A-Wish foundation.

You'll be rolling in women in no time!

Read the rest of this entry »

As a writer, the most common question I hear (after "Where do you get your ideas?" and "You actually wrote this crap? Why?") is "Where can I find the time to write?"

In this busy world of two-income families, 40 hour work weeks, and 12 hour Seinfeld marathons, beginning writers struggle to carve out hallowed and sacred portions of their hectic week to express themselves and inscribe their priceless prose onto paper. They strive to find an hour a day away from family, friends, telemarketers, and Girl Scouts when they can put away the cares of the world, clear their minds, and really focus on their writing.

Idjits.

The first thing to do is dump the idea that your writing can be turned on and off like a faucet. Not only is this a bad idea, it encourages the related and erroneous thought that your writing can occasionally get stopped up (or, conversely, might break and spill creativity all over your carpet and soak your floorboards). Writers write, constantly. They can't help it. They just don't always write things down. And that's the part I'm going to talk about today; how to find time to write it down.

Write stuff down. No matter where you are, or what you're doing, if you get a quirky idea or a tease of a story, write it down. Get into the habit of carrying around notepaper or a small pad or something so you can record ideas as they occur to you. Thoughts, phrases, interesting bits of dialogue heard from strangers, whatever. If you hear something and think, "Ooh, that's good, I'll have to remember that," you won't. Believe me, there are literally thousands of incredible story ideas floating around out there, scattered on the sidewalks and highways of the world, which fell out of my head because I didn't have a pencil to catch them with.

Read the rest of this entry »