Posts Tagged ‘advice’

Just for the heck of it, I'd like you to think the word "massage" and see what sort of mental images you receive. Go ahead. Say you saw the word in passing, on a billboard or in an article. Would you think of stark white rooms, gurneys with white sheets, and oddly-shaped pillows? Terrifying women named Helga? Little old men with grey t-shirts and evil-smelling liniment? Or would you picture sensuous people anointing each other with scented unguents as they sit naked in their ashrams, surrounded by clouds of suspicious smoke? You might even think of the ways you massage your lover with one of those carved wooden rollers from The Body Shop, or the vibrating hi-tech wonders from Brookstone, or even the sexy devices from Good Vibrations.

Forget 'em, all of 'em. Massage is ultimately nothing more than using the sense of touch to make someone feel good. You may have given your guy some massage action this morning and not even realized it. It doesn't require a time commitment or a special table. It doesn't even require oil or an encyclopedic knowledge of muscle clusters. Just take those loving caresses one step further.

I have nothing against the more professional versions of massage, but I have known people who shy away from it because of their preconceptions — "I don't know what the muscles are," or "I never have the time." No worries. This is not an attempt to teach you arcane acupressure rituals or how to make chiropractic adjustments; it's me trying to get you to touch your lover more than usual. Just pay heed to the following important guidelines. Please use some common sense and modify these suggestions for your own situation — a person with a second-degree burn is unlikely to appreciate direct pressure no matter how erotically you do it.

Massage is for anytime

First and foremost, I want you to realize that massage can be as quick and spontaneous as stroking your lover's hair and rubbing their neck for a few minutes. Just apply some steady pressure and use a rhythmic stroke so they can anticipate your moves and brace against it. Rub his back, pull on her toes, do something with your hands to help alleviate some of their stress. Not only does it feel wonderful physically, it lets them feel pampered and treasured for a moment. Yes, hour-long massages with hot oil and music playing are wonderful, but don't limit yourself to that. First thing in the morning, before he wakes up, run your hands down his back over and over. Reach over in the car and scratch her head for her, all over, and then do it again.

All you need is you

There isn't a vibrating device existing in the world today that can compare to a dedicated, enthusiastic lover's hands. You can search out and find knots that they can't reach. You can kiss one shoulder while you're rubbing the other. You can let your fingers stroke firmly along the shape of his face until he falls asleep. You can pick up her leg and hold it firm while you run your hand along her calf muscles, and not even the Hitachi Magic Wand can do that.

For the casual massage you don't really need oil, although a quick dollop of hand lotion or even a shot of baby powder can help your hands move smoothly.

Why stop with your hands?

You can use almost every part of your body to soothe (or excite) someone else. Here's some highlights:

• Use your hands creatively. Use the tips of your fingers for smaller areas or deeper pressure, use the flat of your hand to shape to her body's contours, use your fist to rub a bit harder on those larger muscles in the back and butt.
• Use your arms. Rest your forearm across her lower back and sweep upward while applying pressure.
• Use your mouth. Not just the ways you'd expect — put some pressure on your lips and tongue. Cover your teeth and then try to take bites. It is an indescribably terrific feeling to have someone run their mouth over your head that way, and it's a great thing to do to the back of someone's neck.
• Use your hair. If it's long enough you can drag it across your lover's body for a maddening, teasing form of massage. If your hair is short you can rub it on specific areas for a more direct approach.
• Use your head. This is great for the back, just put your head against his back and press in a circular motion, moving around as your whim takes you. Don't hurt your neck.
• Use your breasts. You may want some lubrication to make things glide more easily, but it's a move your lover will appreciate.
• Use your feet. You don't necessarily have to walk on your lover, but if you're sitting on opposite ends of the couch put your feet on either side of her spine and rub. You can easily keep some big circling motions going and it's amazing how strong the average toe is.
• Use your whole body. If you're about to apply pressure then your lover will need to be braced against something. Why not you? If you're in bed, roll her over on top of you and rub her shoulder blades. Put her face-down, straddle her butt, lay your chest on her upper back and press in slow circles (run your mouth through her hair on the upswing for an extra touch). Let your lunchtime hug stretch out a bit. My personal favorite is in the shower — she can rest her head on my shoulder, the hot spray is making everything slippery, I can easily stroke up and down her entire back, and I can't say the feeling is at all unpleasant from my side of things.

Do it twice as long as you think you ought to

Massage is like oral sex or petting your dog — no matter how long you do it, the minute you stop the recipient looks at you like you're a criminal. Time is extremely relative and making that extra effort to keep going just a little bit more is worth the trouble. Don't hurt yourself, but if your hand starts cramping up switch to your other hand, or another part of your body, or even just a different area of her body where you'll be rubbing at a different angle. Matter of fact, that's a good suggestion for massage or oral sex. Or even petting your dog.

If it helps, don't think of it as "massage," just think of it as another way to touch.

The sounds of the band. The thrill in the air. The joy of discovery. The excitement of the chase. The challenge of the seduction. The explosion of sexual bliss. The peaceful slumber. And now… the furtive escape.

In any lasting six hour relationship, there comes a time when you wake next to your new lover and you have to make the call: should I stay, or should I save myself? Often this depends on the qualities of your new-found lifemate, as seen through newly sober eyes and better lighting. Is she every bit as beautiful as you thought she was in the club? Is he just as dashing and dangerously handsome as he was when he came to tow your car? Is her hygiene exactly as you surmised? Now is the time, while your new honey is sleeping, for you to take a few moments and accurately rate them on their appearance, cleanliness, remembered motor skills, and whether or not you'd be willing to admit to what you just did in front of family and friends.

Right. You need to get out of there.

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or, How to Lead a Swinging Lifestyle Without Having to Involve Yourself with All Those Other People

So you and your plucky mate have been tossing around the "swingers" idea again, have you? Been looking fondly at passers-by? Letting the flirting at work creep up to the next level (the one just below "actionable")? Or perhaps you've just been enjoying the same meal, metaphorically speaking, for so long that it's becoming predictable, unappetizing and easy to skip? When your lover become less of a banquet and more like greasy leftovers, it's time to change something.

But sneaking around just isn't fair, as well as being a pain to negotiate, and it's getting harder and harder to get away with besides. It used to be that you just had to watch for lipstick stains, odd-colored strands of hair, bodily marks that weren't there before your "business trip", and the occasional accidental public meeting and subsequent judicial decision, but now, what with current technology bounding along, it's entirely possible that the coat you got for Christmas contains a hidden GPS homing beacon and your spouse is tracking you on the Internet. Couples can make a go of the open marriage thing as long they both have some action on the side so the cheating achieves parity, but scheduling becomes a major undertaking, especially if you only have the one car.

At some point in your sensual career the idea will come up of safely introducing another player into your previously closed set, and now we're really getting into problems. Whom to choose? Another man, or a woman? Or another couple? How do you go about finding them? Ask a friend? Advertise? Should you swap partners, or just go at it concurrently, as it were? Should everyone be in the same room? What if (I/my lover) like(s) him/her/them better than (my lover/me)? What if the other people like really weird stuff? What if they think we're perverts? What if they're from Vice? What if they're secretly recording us for blackmail, or to sell online? What if word gets out? What if we're not any good? What if the kids walk in? Oh dear god, what about diseases?

I'm not saying that all these problems will arise (they will), or that they can't be overcome if they do, but there are actually many ways to pump up your sex life with that swinging thrill without having to clean up the living room, and I don't mean just dressing the wife up as a tart.

Dressing the Wife Up As a Tart

It is a place to begin, however. Just because you're committed to one person doesn't mean you have to keep sleeping with the same one over and over, does it? It's said that every person contains multitudes of personalities, so why not date a few of them? They're certainly easier to find, for one thing, and a dating service shouldn't be required unless the multiple personality thing is really severe. Dressing up in costumes is one way to go about it, although there does need to be some role-playing involved. Only an enema bag full of ice water could be more chilling than hearing, "Right, so I'm a nun. Let's get this over with so I can get some sleep, this thing is itchier than a burlap thong."

Pretending to be other people can be a harmless way of siphoning off some of that urge-to-swing pressure, and you're virtually guaranteed to discover something about your bedmate that you never suspected before, even if it's only of the "He should be prohibited by law from ever wearing tights again" variety. You can even take it out in public, arranging to meet each other in bars and such, although it would probably be a good idea to agree on matching costumes beforehand. Unless of course you get really turned on by the thought of, say, Martin Luthor picking up Cinderella in a sports pub and taking her in a back alley for a quickie. Come to think of it, that doesn't sound too bad…

Lovers by Proxy (or Sex by Mail)

You don't necessarily need a new person in the room, you just need some new viewpoints. Try a few of these handy tips:
• Pop in a porn tape, turn the volume up and turn the set towards the wall. Now you can pretend you've been invited to a massive orgy and the two of you just ducked into a side room.
• Pick a famous couple and act out what you think their sex life must be like. No fair picking anyone from the Royal Family or a Kennedy, they're too well documented. Or you could pick two famous people that you think really should have sex (here I'm thinking, as I'm sure you are, of Angelina Jolie and Foghorn Leghorn). Alternately you can pick your own friends or acquaintances and act out what you think their sex life is like. Make sure you don't get too interested in her masterful rendition of Miss Jenkins from Accounting, however. Anything you say can and will be used against you later on, so you should definitely avoid such exclamations as, "Oh, Margaret, this is exactly how I imagined it!" or "I thought you'd be thinner."
• Pick up some good smut and act out the sex scenes. Simple test for good smut books – pick it up and open it three times at random. If you hit a sex scene twice, buy it. Fortunately this works in almost any book published since 1972 that doesn't actually involve Harry Potter.
• Play the stock market. Not the boring way, with money and everything, but in bed. Take an assortment of stocks, write them out and assign a different sex act to each one. At the close of trading each day, check the returns and map out your evening playtime from the results. This also gives you the extra anticipation from watching the stock market throughout the day. "C'mon, Amalgamated! Two more points and it's titty city! Go baby, go! I need this bad!" Don't worry about your co-workers talking about you – all investors talk like this.

Bringing In a Whole Other Person

If you're really having difficulties changing your perspective, you can get some outside help without compromising your fidelity or having to share your towels.
• Invite a friend to provide choreography. Whether by e-mail, pre-written suggestion, or even a whispered comment before you leave work, your friend can provide a game plan that you might not have considered. Even a passed note at lunch that says "Apply lubricant with a whitewash brush and bucket" can add a new depth to your evening activities. You could even trade notes every day, get a sort of one-upmanship competition thing going. "Okay, I did him in the rectory like you said, now tonight you have to let him strap you to the ice cream truck." Bringing it up with your friend in the first place is your problem.
• If you need on-the-spot advice, dial up a phone sex number and let her (or them) talk you both through. Think of it like calling up a sexual hotline, where operators are lying by. You can call a friend for the same purpose but by that point you may not be capable of explaining yourself and people tend to hang up on late night breathers. Call a pro.
• Get online and join a chat room, then let everyone decide by consensus what should happen next. Spend some time investigating chat rooms before you do this – you don't want to discover that your sex life is being directed by a group of 11-year-old quilting enthusiasts.
• If you're bold enough, you can invite a friend over to call out suggestions from the next room. It can be an incredible rush knowing someone else is so intimately involved with what you're doing, it's oddly relaxing not having to decide what to do, and extremely thrilling wondering what your friend will think up next. To get past the inevitable embarrassment, a glass or two of wine for everyone can be invaluable. You might even let them bring a date, in case they feel more comfortable that way. Or you can invite a small group of friends over to get a more varied collection of suggestions. Yes, I think that would be the best way. A roomful of your buddies, roaring drunk, screaming sexual advice at your bedroom door. What could be more romantic?
• You can involve friends and still remain private. Invite a trusted friend to videotape you and your lover at play, but blindfold them to maintain decorum. They can follow the noises for the most part. If focus is really a problem or if you tend to move around a lot, have them creep slowly up until their toes touch flesh, then stop and just aim the camera down. Or you can work out a modified version of the water game "Marco Polo".
• Wouldn't it be nice to visit Mom? Just stop by as a surprise, maybe bring some dinner. She'll be so pleased she won't even notice the two of you taking so long to visit the bathroom and you'll be able to relive some of the teenage excitement you haven't really experienced since you moved out and finally lost your paranoid habit of listening for slippers coming down the hall.

There are many possible ways of improving your sex life and still keeping it in the family. Sleeping with someone else just because your current sex life is boring is like giving up on your favorite team during a losing streak. Just like with your team, try encouragement and different plays for a few seasons before you trade them for someone younger with faster hands.

Ever been picked up by the fuzz?

Sorry, old joke. How's your anterior grooming? Nicely trimmed? Buzz cut? Comb-over?

It's a serious question, or at least as serious a question as you're likely to find here. Do you pay any attention to your crotch coif? Would you be ready if your pubic become public?

It is a sad fact that people, especially men, generally don't pay a lot of attention to their nether dos. Maybe you tried shaving it once and then you went nuts scratching yourself for a week while it grew back, maybe you let a lover trim before diving in, but otherwise you just let it grow wild. I say for shame.

Let's dispense with the negatives right off: Shaving hurts. The guys in the locker room will avoid me. I break out easily. I keep cutting myself. It's too high-maintenance. I feel like an idiot. She'll think I'm a fruit. He'll think I'm a slut. My gynecologist will think I'm coming on to him. Why should I bother?

Well, you don't have to shave completely bare to be neat. In fact, if I were to judge solely by the results I see in most porn movies and amateur websites, you probably shouldn't. It does you no good to shave yourself smooth if all we're going to see is lots of pimples. Please, let's use some common sense here. Moisturizers and skin care emollients are your friends.

But you can certainly trim yourself (or have yourself trimmed). Experiment with different styles. Leave that little Mohawk stripe that Playboy models seem to favor. Leave it everywhere but trim it back to quarter-inch length for that freshly-mown look. Leave the stuff on your abdomen alone and just shave the areas around your goodies, or vice versa. Grow it long and braid it, stick some beads on there. Or shave it all off and have pubic hair tattooed on. Anything!

And just look at all the advantages of keeping your fur controlled:

• Your lover is less likely to be frightened the first time you disrobe by what appears to be some sort of wildlife in your shorts. Quick-witted lovers may grab a bludgeoning weapon, and you might not be fast enough with the defense.
• Lubricant gets to you faster if it doesn't have to work through the forest first.
• Add inches to your sex life! Gentlemen, pay attention: there's a reason male porn stars shave their hair — Image is Everything. Depending on how hirsute you are, whittling your hair down to the skin can add an inch or two of visible penis. It's like getting an extension without any of those harmful creams or block-and-tackle devices.
• It's easier to find dropped peanuts when you're snacking.
• Handing your loved one a pair of small, sharp scissors with a wicked grin and then lying back and opening your legs is a hell of a way to start an evening. Have a warm, wet washcloth, a towel, and some chocolate syrup nearby.
• You can hand out locks of your hair to treasured friends or Jehovah's Witnesses.
• You can do cool little designs. A heart is obvious, and an arrow, but how about a celtic design? Maybe some of those funky designs people are getting tattooed these days. The word "Hi!". A pair of horns, or a Mucha art-deco design? A barcode? A varsity letter? A happy face? An exclamation mark! A daisy! You could even shape a little vagina, just to confuse nearsighted rapists! A lightning bolt! Landscape yourself, carve a little maze and force lovers to solve it to get to the prize. Make a little Pokémon, the kids'll love it. Do whatever you want, it'll grow back and you can do it again.
• Lice and crabs will be out in the open and easier to hunt down.
• It won't be as easy for a drunken partner to pass out and suffocate, which is always a concern.
• Your lover might be more inclined to treat your delicates with care if it's obvious that you care about 'em. Be sure to make them replace their divots.
• If your lawn guy is cute, you can get him to trim you every weekend. Don't let him use the whacker.
• Unshorn locks might snarl and trap a date's fingers, and that can kill a blossoming relationship. It's also a serious pain for all involved when your hair gets ensnarled in his class ring or her twist-band watch. Streamlined pubes help hands to slide easily: great for cramped foreign cars and theater back rows.
• You're not as likely to commit one of the worst things a person can do to him or herself — catching your curls in your zipper. Or somebody else's zipper. Also spiral notebooks won't nip you as badly. I hate that.
• It can remove some of the uncertainty for beginners who aren't quite sure where to start looking.
• It can help you feel "clean and fresh," just like the women on the hygiene commercials, with their white gym outfits and horseback riding demonstrations.
So remember your fluff, and treat it well. Someday, when the bank robber forces all of you to strip and stand still, you'll be able to stand proud and free. And a bit cooler.

I have, of late, become very aware of my son.

Not that I've been stalking him, or keeping surveillance measures going from a hidden room in the basement or anything. Not yet. But he is 13 years old now, just starting to get a fuzzy lip and develop that peculiar sore-throat voice of burgeoning masculinity.

I am also extremely aware of exactly what his mother and I were doing to each other with gleeful enthusiasm every chance we got, when we were dating in high school. We met when we were both 15.

If this sort of habit breeds true, there is clearly a time limit here.

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So, you've mastered the Art of Love. You are inhumanly aware of your lover's erogenous zones, personal preferences, and secret desires, and you know unerringly when to be sweet and gentle and when to get rough. Every sex act, no matter how quick or spontaneous, ends in soul-satisfying simultaneous orgasms, and you are both capable of holding each other on the ragged edge of sweet release for hours at a time until you can time your explosions with the slow rising of the sun.

So why are you getting bored?

Simple, really — you need contrast. How can you really enjoy the heights of sensual mastery if you never have a bad fuck anymore? You can't truly appreciate the hard-earned mastery of your own body if there's no chance of losing it thirty seconds after you unzip.

But how can you relive those feelings of helpless fury, lack of communication, and determined impotence? We're here to help. What follows is a list of suggestions for you and yours to add to your godlike sex life as an occasional reality check. Just rip each one from your monitor and follow the instructions.

Ancestor Worship

It is an age-old guideline that if you want to see what your wife will be like in her later years, you have only to look towards her mother. Now's your chance to show your lady that you'll still be deeply in love and lust with her in her declining years by spending the day emphasizing how attractive you find her mom. Discuss her probable future appearance ("Honey, I just love those crows-feet you're getting! Rowff!") and make sure she knows that you don't care what gravity is doing to her.
At the end of the evening, surprise her by ducking into the bathroom and allowing her to see the sexy outfit you've laid out for her: purple jogging pants, an oversized Garfield sweatshirt, support hose, a pair of those nurse sneakers, and a shawl. Make sure you call out her mom's name a few times, too. Just think how relaxed and flattered she'll be!

Ingredients: old lady clothes, old lady shoes, Vick's.

Hail, Hail, the Gang Was All Here

You know what your husband likes, and you know know how he likes it. But do you know what one of the best parts of his sex life is, the part he doesn't share with you?

Telling his friends about it. Nailing a righteous babe like yourself, over and over again, just isn't complete unless he can lord it over all his friends. You wouldn't believe the sheer pleasure he gets from being the absolute center of attention when all of his drunken friends hang on his every word as he describes exactly what you do under the sheets. And you can help! What better way to prove your husband's manliness than by showing all his friends how lucky he is? Do them all!

Pick a day when you know he'll be out until evening, and then invite all his friends, one by one or in groups, to come sample what he's been tapping. Just imagine how envious his friends will be, knowing that your man can get what they're getting any time he wants!

That night, you can whisper to your man how much luckier he is than all of his friends, or at least all the ones you could reach. He'll be bursting with pride!

Ingredients: a buncha guys, a few more, one of those "Take A Number" machines, a lot of beer, and one last guy, for luck.

Simultaneous Submission

Has your lady been dropping some interesting hints recently? One of the most compelling hidden fantasies is to be completely helpless and at the mercy of another for your sexual gratification, and this is a wonderful gift to present to your lover. But make it a surprise — some simple, fast-closing restraints can be purchased at any good sex shop or sub-code sanitarium, and you can attach them to the corners of the bed under the covers. Romance her all evening, seduce her into the bedroom as only you can, and lay her back amidst the sheets. Then, while she stretches languorously, swiftly snap the restraints around her wrists and ankles before she can react. As you stand away from the bed, I guarantee you'll see the light of passion burning in her eyes as she tests the restraints one by one and smiles an anticipatory smile at you.

Disrobe, slowly, letting her fires build, and then quickly rush over to the closet doorway where you've attached four more restraints. Snap yourself in before you can react and then pull tightly until you can't reach to release yourself. Now you're both ready to enjoy the hot, pulsating explosion of complete submission.

Ingredients: A nice dinner, some mood music, eight scary-looking leather restraints, and an understanding neighbor within screaming range.

Tools of Power

Ever see that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks where Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and then feeds her right out of the refrigerator, not only exciting her but arousing every single woman in the theater?
Why should your man miss out on this?

However, most guys don't react as strongly to the sensual possibilities of food (although they do like watching you eat an ice cream cone), so you need to take them somewhere where they can feel comfortable in their surroundings as you startle and tease them with unexpected sensations.

The garage.

Blindfold him slowly and tightly, making sure he can't see, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Now take his hand, run it quickly and lightly over your own body to get his interest, and then lead him into the garage. The familiar scent of grease, hot metal, and kitty litter should inflame his senses. Take his clothes off, letting your hands tease him here and there, and then sit him down in front of the water heater. Now tantalize him with the sensual touch of everything on the garage shelves until he can't take any more! Pipe wrenches tighten deliciously, belt sanders provide lip-biting friction, the claw-end of a hammer offers some intriguing possibilities, duct tape can keep him where you want him, and you'll be amazed what a simple Black and Decker electric screwdriver can do to that bundle of sensitive nerve tissue, the prostate. Keep some kerosene handy for cleaning up.

Ingredients: an entire Sears Craftsman socket set, a wood vise, and the gallon size jug of WD-40. Yeah, baby!

My Little Hooker

Roleplaying is a great way to liven up your sex life, it says so in all the manuals. Wouldn't you like to enjoy that heady thrill of picking up a strange woman for some no-frills, no-commitment, no-last-names fun? I'll bet if you asked, your ladyfriend might be more interested than you'd think. She'll have the excitement of being a mysterious lady of the evening, someone so sexy that men would pay anything for her, and in a perfectly safe situation. Let your imaginations soar!

Prepare yourselves separately and arrange to meet at a bar across town. Enter the room casually and order a drink, then look around and check out the merchandise. Hey, who's that ravishing creature over there? Think she might be interested?

Flirt with each other at the bar and then escort her out to your car. You might be surprised how forward she is in the car. Drive her to a motel, sign in under a fake name while she watches and then carry her and the booze over the threshold. Do you notice the new edge to her arousal? Can you tell that pretending to be a wanton is just what she's been wanting?

Once inside, close the door and lock it. Gulp down half the booze in one shot and then grab her by the hair. Rush her through a cold and heartless sex act, ideally one she won't usually do, and remind her constantly that you're paying for this. Now it's time to break out the heroin!

Ingredients: one cocktail dress, a pair of stiletto pumps, 3 cans of hair spray, some quarters for the condom machine, and a fistful of crumpled twenties.

9-1-Wonderful!

A quick and easy one — want to make your man feel strong, animalistic, brutal? Today's society prefers men to be gentle, sensitive, and calm, forcing your guy to constantly fight against hundreds of thousands of years of conditioning. Wouldn't it be liberating to let his inner beast out, just once?
Help him realize his secret, unrealized fantasies of rape and sheer, overpowering, atavistic he-man behavior by playing it to the hilt. As soon as he walks in the door tonight, scream as loud as you can, claw him across the face, and run into the bedroom. Slam the door, draw the children close to you and call the police. If he gets in, make him fight for every pleasure. Throw all the fixtures at him, kick him in the goolies, and above all, never stop screaming. He'll get an incredible rush of alpha-male dominance, briefly, until help arrives.

Ingredients: good lungs, pepper gas, a phone with speed-dial, and bail money.

I know what you want. You want to date a classy lady, someone with manners and couth, a woman who gets out of the shower to pee. You want someone to be seen with that'll make the other guys want to lick your arm. You want to date a supermodel.

I can help you. Just follow these simple tips and you'll have them falling over you, and not just from anorexia.

Don't tell her she's pretty. She knows that, idjit. She gets paid for her appearance, and hundreds of people tell her every day how perfect she is. Not only is it unoriginal, it's also the only thing about herself over which she has no real control – supermodels are very aware that they make a living from being genetic flukes. Compliment her on her attire, her bearing, her jokes, her witty conversation, her amazing capacity for stimulants. Even better, point out her imperfections. She'll eat it up, and she'll know you can see beyond the beauty to the real her. Make sure you mention every enlarged pore, every pimple, each inappropriate hair, any dangling nasal mucous, the growing bags under her eyes.
"Hey gorgeous, getting a little spread back there?" She'll swoon.

Be ugly and talented. Seriously. Look at the history: Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel, Heather Thomas and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, Kate Hudson and the straggly guy from The Black Crowes… Hot chicks dig ugly, talented guys, so get cracking and start playing. You might not even have to be really good, I dunno. Has Bret Michaels done anything? I don't really keep up with these kids. Just tell 'em you play rhythm guitar, then all you have to be able to do is play a couple chords and consume a city bus full of liquor in a single sitting.

Be rich and ugly. A slight clarification: be rich and sick and ugly. I don't think I need to go into this one, if you can't figure it out on your own then you might as well not bother. If you have acres of loose wealth, go hang around Anna Nicole Smith and cough a lot.

Be hung like a bull moose. There's no other excuse for Tommy Lee.

Be political. Another way in which former president Bill Clinton has led the way for all of us. He's been linked to former Miss America Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former Miss Arkansas Sally Perdue, former bad singer Gennifer Flowers, and there's rumors he's even been intimate with New York Senator Hillary Rodham (unsubstantiated at the time of this article). At least democratic presidents remember how to have sex! Lots of senators, congressmen, consultants, diplomats and appointees have been seen with the glamour world's best and bright… um, best. Keep in mind that at the grassroots level you'll have to settle for housewives and the occasional starry-eyed teenage campaign volunteer, but if politics teaches you nothing else it will teach you how to compromise.

Be funny. 91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own data sheets included "sense of humor" in the turn-ons section, as far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out of his nose. A guy that can say just the right thing at just the right time is obviously perceptive and sensitive enough to know just how to touch her. Funny men make the best lovers.

Okay, granted, women prefer funny men who are also drop-dead gorgeous. And yeah, it's really easy for funny guys to fall into the "best friend I can tell anything to but would never dream of having sex with" slot. I hated that slot. I lived in that psychology torture chamber for 6 years. I always had lots of close female friends, the ones that kept telling me "only you really understand me" and then turn around and describe how they blew some guy they just met last night, I just wanted to sneak up behind her with a rope and…

Ha ha! Yes sir, a sense of humor is all you really need. When she's laughing she's not affecting a worldly pose, she's being human, and that's right where you want to get your basic supermodel. Also, when things start geting really intimate, you can't go wrong with a good hemorrhoid joke.

Turn her down first. The novelty of it is sure to get her interested. As soon as she's within earshot, like the other side of the bar or just one balcony up, proclaim loudly that "No, I'm sorry Tyra, it just wouldn't work out between us. We're too different, and as exciting as you are I still want to see other people." See the tricky psychological twist in there? Now she'll go crazy wondering why she's not good enough to hold your interest. At least I think she will, haven't tried this yet. But it feels right. You should probably also drink a lot.

Be gay. Just think of the possibilities! She'll trust you. She'll confide in you (see above). She'll undress in front of you. She'll invite her friends over to try and convert you. My god, I can't imagine why no one has thought of this before, it could work!

Okay, she'll probably just marry you to cover her own homosexuality from the paparazzi, but you'll still probably get to see her naked, and that's more than you get now, right?

Well, I've done all I can here. Next week we'll go over your failures, and we'll discuss how to take the easier step of converting your current old lady into a supermodel. Hey, why buy the milk when you can put a dress on the cow, am I right?

The following is an excerpt from the nearly-exciting new book, "Make Mine Vanilla" by Kurt Hanrehan, coming out this fall from Missionary Press.

Has sex gotten boring for you? Does it seem like it's hardly worth it to test the eyehooks in the ceiling anymore, or oil the harnesses, or schedule everyone for the weekend orgy? Have you ever been licking your master's tire treads clean and suddenly realized you'd rather watch TV? Does the thought of your lover pissing on you from atop of the china cabinet just not hold the thrill it used to? Do you ever find yourself staring at your pierced labia and just wondering "why?"

Don't fret, my friend. You just need to limit your sex life.

It's a common complaint these days. After years of civil rights movements, increased sexual awareness, lessened social stigmas, and an unavoidable all-absorbing flood of ever-more-explicit sex in all forms of media, people were encouraged to open up their drab sexual lives and embrace the weird. Ropes, chains, diapers, groups of thirty at a time, inserting chunks of lead through various organs, controlled asphyxiation, phone sex, cybersex, tantric sex, fiurry sex, hot wax, fetishes of all sorts, humiliation, four hour orgasms, and even aggravated celibacy have all broken the taboo barrier and are all now commonplace. And that's the problem. You're jaded. You have no new sticky vistas, no shining sexual edge to seek. You pushed the envelope and now it's gone. So what now? Take up gardening? Spend time with the needy? Pay more attention to your family?

No! It's time for you to try the last unexplored sexual lifestyle, with sexual techniques that have been passed down for thousands of years. Vanilla sex. Just like your parents used to do. Well, maybe your grandparents. Or the elderly neighbors. Read the rest of this entry »

So. You've got a video camera, and you and your lover have decided to film yourselves having sex (these two events often occur the same day, sometimes while you're still in Best Buys). This is a wholely admirable thing, in my view. It shows the depth of your love for one another, it shows that you prefer reality to fake, pre-packaged porn, and it shows that you're completely free and comfortable having a camera lens sticking up between your legs. Good for you!

First things first, Cecille B. First you need to make sure your lover's into it. Might not be a bad idea to make sure you won't freeze up yourself, hotshot. Try having sex in front of a camera in more innocent places – the photo booth at the mall, behind local newscasters doing live stories ("Hi mom!"), at a major league ballgame so you can get on the JumboTron ("Hi dad!"). and like that. Go find the security cameras at work and do a screen test. Or you can go the mundane approach of setting up the camera to display on your tv and then either film yourself fully clothed (to get an idea of how big your butt looks) or just watch yourselves without recording (you wuss, you). Read the rest of this entry »

The sexual dry spell. Every relationship will have one at some point or another, but don't worry. It's not fatal. It just seems like it. It's a good time to relax, to reflect on the pure and refined love you feel for your life companion(s), a time to bank the fires of your libido so that they may surge forward like a roaring, relentless wave when the time is ripe. Here's some tips:

• Masturbation with lube is much easier than without, especially if you're going for the land speed record.
• There are more and more adult shops popping up around, but they seem to have the same old crap. I think they just ship it back and forth.
• On the plus side, vibrator design has radically improved and some of the box cover pictures even look as if they were taken after the 70's. Wow!
• Pause buttons on VCRs suck. Go with laser disks or DVD if you want freeze-frame capability.
• During a dry spell, flirtation and light sexy joking with friends and co-workers is still fine and dandy. Constant references to how long it's been "since you last popped one" are not.
• Don't let pets in your room. No matter how calm they are in the beginning, towards the end they might think you're having some sort of attack and either try to lick the source of activity or go for help.
• Now's the perfect time to work on your staying power and aim, when there's no pressure or spectators. My teenage habit of stopping between magazine photo layouts to actually read the articles proved to be an excellent training method.
• Never, never buy swingers magazines, no matter how hot the babe on the cover is. That will be the only good picture. Inside you will always find newsprint pages filled with tons of ads and grainy black and white pictures of your next door neighbor with a Rocky Horror wig on his head and garden produce up his bum.
• Thanks to millions of horny old ladies with purchasing power, grocery store bestsellers are now rife with sex as filthy as you could desire, just perfect for those long waits in the over-10-items line.
• If you're the sort to record such things, a simple code can allow you to keep track in a journal or diary. Making marks on the bathroom wall is considering gauche.
• Beware fast-forward buttons. I invariably scoot past where I wanted to be and waste a perfectly good climax on an exterior establishing shot of a condo. Now's a good time to choke down and let 'er idle while you wait for the good scene again.
• Handiwipes can sting.
• Streaming video is horrible to wank to. Who wants to get right to the point of bliss and suddenly Pam Anderson starts buffering?
• Family members don't take well to having the bathroom blockaded for more than an hour at a time, the inconsiderate bastards.
• Unless your privacy is absolutely assured, choose a lubricant that can be quickly wiped off. Girl scouts stare at you when you answer the door wearing a towel and dripping olive oil.
• Lock your door.
• Holding a magazine open and flat is a bitch with only one hand, and dropping it in the toilet is embarrassing. I suggest using a music stand. Lightweight and won't interfere with your aim.
• Your kids don't really believe that your "friend" is just a face massager. Face massagers don't have fake veins.
• If you get walked in on during a bad moment, pretend you're having a seizure and motion for them to force a spoon in your mouth.
• And an important one – when you step out of the shower, never ever forget which towel was last used where.