Posts Tagged ‘armchair script doctor’

Yes, I'm late to the party. But it's been eating at me.

Actually I stopped watching Smallville somewhere around the 5th season, and only lasted that long out of dogged optimism. There were so many things right about the show, they couldn't blow every opportunity, could they? Well, yes, yes they could.

But I tuned in to the finale just to see the payoff, what we've been waiting for these ten years. Clark, flying, in the suit.

Guess what we didn't really get?

Now, I don't know exactly why. I've heard the suit they used (from Superman Returns) didn't actually fit actor Tom Welling so they couldn't. I've heard that Warner didn't want a full-body shot of Welling in the suit because they had the new guy lined up for the next movie and wanted his to be the face everyone expected. I've heard Welling flat-out refused to be seen in the suit. I have no idea, and frankly I don't care.  Whatever the reason, the fans were cheated.

Everything the finale did to make the ending inspirational and triumphant — and it tried really, really, really hard –was undercut with the awkward direction and bad CG required to show Clark being Superman without really showing it. And it would have been so easy to do so, even within the budget of a cable show. So, let's try this:

EXT. METROPOLIS – DAY

Apokolips is approaching earth, a fiery ball of hate. Citizens of Metropolis GATHER to look up at their doom. Some are crying. Many of them have glowy OMEGA symbols on their foreheads. OLIVER rushes out into the street. People are packed in the windows, watching. The end is very clearly near.

CUT TO:

A terrified WOMAN HOLDING A BABY leans too close to her window and gets jostled; the baby slips, FALLS. The woman screams, the crowd reacts.

And something blurs past the woman. Something red and blue.

CLARK lands gently in the Metropolis street, in full costumed view, holding the baby, moving with calm assurance. The crowd marvels.

MAN IN CROWD
It's the Blur!

People gasp and murmur. Clark HANDS THE BABY to Oliver. Then cue the Superman theme song as he SMILES THE SUPERMAN SMILE for the first time ever, and TAKES OFF into the sky. 

OLIVER
(holding the baby)
Good luck, Clark.

As we cut back and forth between his grim determination and the people we see signs of long-denied hope in the populace. Here and there the Omega symbol blinks out, overwhelmed by emotion. The people of Metropolis CHEER HIM ON.

Clark vanishes into the planet's corona. And Apokolips STARTS TO MOVE AWAY. The crowds go wild, hugging each other and yelling. The last Omega symbols VANISH. The day is saved.

Same scene as before. No fancy special effects the crew hasn't already done a zillion times before, I'm not even suggesting we show him pushing the planet (which would have been nice). But we get two things we were denied: Clark, in the suit, being Superman, in full view. And we get the added benefit of Metropolis realizing their hometown hero is a lot more heroic and inspirational than they imagined, with that holy-crap moment that lifts you up inside. 

How hard would that have been?

Over at EW.com (and presumably in this weeks' Entertainment Weekly; despite their constant entreaties and veiled threats I let my subscription lapse), they provide their suggestions towards fixing the Emmys. I had mixed reactions.

First off, I agree the Emmys need fixing. Years from now, on my deathbed, my biggest regret will be the loss of those irreplaceable three hours of reality-show-fueled horror, especialy when I knew I could just wait an hour and watch the best 10-15 minutes of it on YouTube. But how to honor our best and brightest without boring the crap out of everybody?

I'm right behind their suggestion of getting Neil Patrick Harris to host. He has the perfect mix of self-assurance, witty ad-libs, honest respect for the craft, and sheer delight in being there that makes for a great host. But I flatly disagree that cable shows and movies should be pushed to the technical Emmys night; some of them are the best shows on TV, why banish them?

Instead, I suggest you get rid of the most annoying, time-wasting part of the show: the presenter bits. Tired and hackneyed, more of a joke themselves than actually amusing, the only presenter jokes that actually work are those which make fun of how bad presenter jokes are (a la Rickles, Stewart, Colbert, et al). Mostly they're just painful reminders that most presenters aren't that good in a live situation. Dump 'em.  Read the rest of this entry »

The Burger King commercial for The Simpsons Movie (and related Burger King tie-ins) that has been running nonstop for a month has accomplished something rather remarkable for 30 seconds of video: it accurately displays how The Simpsons lost its edge, and demonstrates how not to make a commercial, all without interesting me in the slightest in attending the movie or the restaurant. You have to admit, that's impressive.

The animated commercial depicts Homer in a studio. There is a Whopper on a small pedestal next to him, and a boom mike hanging over him. A tired DA claps the clapboard, saying "Homer eating a Whopper, take 75." Homer then reaches for the Whopper but gets the boom mike stuck in his eye. He screams, flails around a bit, and they cut to the movie logo.

Thus is The Simpsons' descent explained. Ten years ago the commercial would have been satirical, or ironic, or witty. It would have poked fun at commercials themselves or American merchandising or fast food restaurants. Instead, as with the show's own change in direction, we are expected to laugh at a clueless doofus who lodged something in his eye and then screamed. 

Based solely on that, I would never have gone to see the movie (but, of course, my interest in The Simpsons is not based solely on that; I went hoping for a return to the glory days and, with some annoying exceptions, I was rewarded). But midway through The Simpsons' run, more and more humor was based solely on "watch the doofus get hurt." From what I understand the last couple seasons have improved; I stopped watching regularly, preferring to just pick up the DVD sets as they come out so I can fast-forward past those scenes. 

What's more annoying is that they could easily have made it a Simpsons commercial. When I first saw it I was expecting a series of them, Homer doing different things each time to screw up on purpose and thus get to eat more Whoppers, and then this would have worked. Or, for that mattter, anything besides what I saw. 

Here's a suggestion, off the top of my head.

Homer picks up the Whopper and begins to eat it, but stops. "Let me get this straight. Watching me eat this Whopper makes millions of people out there want to eat one, too?"

OS: Sure does.

Homer: Based on my celebrity status alone?

OS: Yep.

Homer: Wow. I have complete control of the nation's buying power. (stares into camera, moves Whopper back and forth towards his open mouth) Come on, America! Eat a Whopper. Don't eat a Whopper. Eat a Whopper. Don't eat a Whopper. Eat a… oh, who am I kidding… (loses control and shoves the whole thing into his mouth with both hands) Oh, mmph, ohhh, munch munch, oh, it's so good! Mmph, smack…

OS: Cut!

Homer: I think what America really wants is two Whoppers. And maybe some fries.

CUT TO movie logo.

That's not even close to the great Simpsons' scenes, but it's better than watching some idiot cripple himself because some other idiot doesn't know how to hold a boom mike out of frame.

OK, folks, Armchair Script Doctor Does "Heroes Finale," take two.

The rest of the show, I would change only two things. 

DL is lying, dying, in Linderman's office while NIKI urges him up, as before. Make this bigger, he has to get up and get them out, the guards will be there any second, so he finally drags himself up and PUSHES her through the WALL. NIKI turns, exhuberant, to see that it was his last act to get her safe. Only half of him made it through before he died.

And in the Sylar/Hiro standoff earlier on, I would do this:

==================
SYLAR
So we'll just have to see if you can go through time faster than–

HIRO disappears. SYLAR whips back around to see ANDO gone. 
==================

The way it was done, Sylar had all the time he needed and more to kill Ando. The director is showing us too much, it gets harder to accept that the other people in the shot don't have the same time to react. 

And then the final scene, with as few changes to the original as possible:

==================
SYLAR turns away from where he's just returned PARKMAN's bullets.

PETER and SYLAR face off. 

SYLAR
You can't stop it, you know.

PETER
But I'm going to.

PETER makes the first move, GESTURING. SYLAR backs up a step, hurt, but SMILES and GESTURES back. PETER staggers; SYLAR is better at this.

PETER goes INVISIBLE.

SYLAR reacts, looks around, then gets an INVISIBLE PUNCH in the face.

NIKI is holding the kids next to PARKMAN. BENNET is trying to get a clear shot at SYLAR. MOHINDER is trying to help PARKMAN while marveling at the display of powers.

NIKI
What the hell is going on?

BENNET
The end of the world.

SYLAR gets hit again, then we IRIS in on his ear as he LISTENS. Quick as snakebite he THRUSTS his hand out to the side and we see PETER appear, hurtling through the air and then STOPPING, hanging in midair and choking. PETER gasps and clutches at his neck.

SYLAR
Let's try this again…

SYLAR lifts his finger and starts to do his cutty thing, but a PARKING METER catches him upside the head. NIKI SWINGS it around and brings it down on him but SYLAR throws an arm up and the parking meter STOPS a foot away. NIKI pulls it back and SWINGS it down again; it stops but BENDS a little from the impact. SYLAR is sweating, now, he's not used to holding out against that kind of strength, but he manages to hurl the meter away, NIKI going with it.

SYLAR gets up. We see PETER, still coughing, kneeling a few feet away. SYLAR steps forward… and HIRO appears in front of him. 

SYLAR grabs at him but HIRO's gone already. SYLAR HEARS a rustle and moves to the left in time to avoid HIRO's sword coming at him from behind. SYLAR dodges wildly as HIRO pops in and out dozens of times, all around him, badgering him until, dazed, SYLAR faces PETER, who decks him.

PETER
(yelling)
Everybody get out of here! He could still go!

SYLAR looks up from the ground. He chuckles.

SYLAR
You don't understand, do you? I've seen it. The explosion. It's you.

SYLAR stands up and GRABS PETER's arms.They struggle. PETER reacts to the proximity of so many powers in one person; we see him losing it and we see him realize he's losing it. Maybe different aspects of the abilities happen around him. He's starting to GLOW.

SYLAR
I'm the hero!

SYLAR lets go of PETER, who falls to the ground, revealing HIRO behind him. Before anyone can react, HIRO stabs SYLAR. 

SYLAR curls up, flinging out an arm. HIRO is thrown away and VANISHES. SYLAR collapses; his EYES turn WHITE and we see images flashing across them, ending in himself lying there.

NIKI, MOLLY, MICAH, and BENNET approach. PETER is glowing more brightly now and obviously in pain. He SCREAMS and tries to LAUNCH himself up but only gets a few feet before dropping again.

PETER
I can't hold it! I can't…

The same destructive, radioactive glow we saw Ted release in Bennet's house begins to emanate from PETER and everyone scrambles back from him. BENNET raises the gun but can't see PETER clearly.

BENNET
Dammit, I can't–

CLAIRE
(coming from behind him)
I can.

She grabs the gun from a surprised BENNET's hand and RUNS towards the maelstrom. PETER sees her.

PETER
(screaming)
DO IT!

CLAIRE raises the gun, crying. Her skin starts to REDDEN and PEEL. Her finger tightens on the trigger.

A CAR comes hurtling around the corner and blocks her. NATHAN jumps out, pushing an incredibly pissed off ANGELA and rushing both her and CLAIRE to relative safety with the others.

ANGELA
You can't do this! This has to happen! You're throwing it all away!

NATHAN
Have to, mom. Like you said, the city needs me.
(winks at CLAIRE)
I love you.

NATHAN turns towards PETER, who reacts.

PETER
No, Nathan, you can't–

NATHAN FLIES over, grabs PETER, and rises incredibly quickly into the sky.

ANGELA
(screaming)
NATHAN!!!

Now we're with the brothers in midair, at incredible speed. NATHAN's skin is BLISTERING fast.

PETER
No! You'll die!

NATHAN
But they won't. You won't.
(gasps in pain)
Love you, bro. Tell Heidi and the kids I–

Explosion.

======================

Fill in whatever dialogue I forgot that seems appropriate. Close with some of the heroes getting away before the cops arrive — how the heck are they going to explain this? Why wasn't everyone hauled off for questioning? And I've heard rumors that Nathan appears next season so the closing bit would have to accomodate whatever hanging plot points might exist that I don't know about.

But, same general plot, paced better and with fewer "why doesn't he just…?" questions. We get to see various heroes work together. We get to see Angela's reaction to Nathan's sacrifice, which frankly I felt cheated out of. And we don't have people wasting time on emotional goodbye scenes when there's a freaking bomb about to happen.

Obviously your opinion (and Mr. Kring's) will vary

The day I saw the movie, I posted this in a forum as a suggested alternative to show it could be done. MASSIVE, TOE-THREATENING SPOILERS!

Let the movie open as it did.
When Wolverine stops Scott and pushes on how they have to get past Jean's death, let Scott blast him a few times. Let us see that a) Scott is not handling things very well, and b) he's a powerful mutant who can take out Wolverine (as he has in the past). Afterwards, when someone makes him stop, he can say the "not everyone heals" line.
They hear of the cure, Storm does her "it's not a disease" bit, but Rogue blows up at her instead of being more or less dazed the whole movie. "At least you can touch someone, feel them touch you! Of course you like it, you're better than human. Some of us are less."
Scott hears Jean, goes to see the lake, she arises. Not as Dark Phoenix, but as SuperJean, more powerful than before.
He brings her back to the mansion, where she explains how she must have protected herself. Just before the flood hit she felt so powerful, she doesn't know why. Xavier explains to her about the shunts he placed in her mind. She's not sure how to feel about that, and neither is Scott.
Angel escapes from his father, flies to the mansion.
Magneto collects powerful mutants, let that subplot go as it was.
With Angel's information on what's goiung on, the X-Men are proactive, helping to subdue riots at the clinic and trying to track down Magneto's army. Jean is immensely powerful, and it's getting to her a bit. We see some of the wild side. Scott is deliriously happy; he has her back, we get lots of romance. Logan is a bit disgruntled and continues to flirt with her, and is surprised when she flirts back. We're starting to see a darker side of her.
The Mystique rescue, as seen. Except Jean and Logan arrive to prevent it. In the battle Jean loses control and we see the Phoenix effect for the first time. Magneto and minions get away, barely. Jean jumps Logan, who goes along with it until she calls herself Phoenix and he pulls away. She is confused and asks for Scott when the surviving guard shoots her with the cure. She stops it mentally and goes totally Dark Phoenix on the guard, killing him. "How dare you!" and so forth. She flies off.
Wolverine gets back to the mansion and fills them in.
The X-Men fly off to stop Magneto's army. Much like before except Xavier and Scott are there. Scott is yelling tactics, trying not to think about where Jean is, and Xavier is fighting Magneto using mind control of Magneto's own minions. After a grueling battle they win, except Jean shows up in full Dark Phoenix garb and takes them all out with ease. Including Xavier, whom she blasts big time (kills, if we really must). She's ready to blow the place up but Wolverine and Scott work together; Wolverine distracts her while Scott gets closer, and Scott and Jean have a moment where we can see Jean fighting to regain control. She tells Scott what he has to do while she can keep her defenses down and, screaming, he blasts her.
Epilogue – Scott has to leave for awhile. Storm takes over as leader. Keeping the school open is made easier because Angel is rich and offers to underwrite it. And life goes on.

All in all, dump some extraneous scenes and add in the fifteen minutes to make it a 2 hour movie, and this could have happened. Or something better, I'm not a screenwriter. But at the end I would have cried for Scott, I would have cared for Jean as a person, I would have felt Rogue's anguish, I would have felt Wolverine's pain at being an outsider to a relationship once again. The characters would have had some depth.

My two cents.

You knew it was coming, you knew it had to happen… The Armchair Script Doctor takes on Superman Returns.

Plenty of missed opportunities here, with fairly easy fixes. That's the goal of the Armchair Script Doctor. I don't tear apart, I offer only minor tweaks. I may have the scenes slightly out of order, this is from memory. Here's what I would have changed. If a scene is not mentioned, assume I thought it was perfect.

The opening stays, although I was unclear whether the burned out planets were in our solar system or Krypton's or something in the middle.

In the beginning Martha Kent is seen at home, but not doing dishes. Instead she is sitting at the kitchen table, carefully writing another postcard. In front of her is a file folder which apparently contains information and pictures of Tibet. We don't see all of what's she's writing, but words like "home soon" are visible, as is her hand signing the card with Clark's name. The address is Lois Lane, c/o The Daily Planet. Clearly she's been doing these for awhile. Her hand shakes, we see her face, which is upset. On to Clark's arrival as before.

When he wakes up Clark scans the news as before to catch up, a bit puzzled at how much has changed. When he sees Martha he's a bit surprised at the additional lines, then finds out that rather than the few months he thought he was gone, it's been five years (he didn't have a way to judge time distortion during the trip). Shock, dismay, despair at what everyone must have thought, the realization that he screwed up. He tells Martha about being alone, same as the movie.

Clark shows up at the Planet. No problems here. Finds out about Lois, still stunned and upset, but not shocked or surprised. Of course she'd move on. Still goes drinking with Jimmy.

Rescue of the shuttle/plane. Not as much time spent on the buildup, not as much time launching the shuttle to orbit. Rescue the plane as before, same landing, same public adoration. Little more reaction from Superman would be good – it's been five years since he's been adored, let him smile and wave a bit. Same blowoff to Lois, she still faints.

All the Lex scenes up til now, all the Superman rescues, no worries.

Superman's rooftop talk with Lois. He starts out confident, as before, but breaks a little when he admits he only expected to be away for a few months and everything's changed. Now she's still mad at him for not saying goodbye but she (and we) also feel a little sorry for him that he's going through this. More talk about her article and the thought behind it, let's see that she didn't write "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman" out of spite but because she really thought his presence was retarding humanity's growth, or whatever. I assume there was enough reason in the piece to earn the Pulitzer, let's hear it. Even better, let's see Superman recognize the validity of what's she's saying, making him even more of an outsider.
I'd want to work this out a bit — it may be unworkable — but it would be nice to see Lois a bit awkward here about her life.

"When you left… I thought you were… you'd been… I didn't handle it well."

Superman: "Lois… I…"

Lois: "Richard was there for me." More confident, a little challenging. "Always." Implication being that a) Superman wasn't, and b) she jumped into an intimate relationship with Richard faster than she might have ordinarily because she was so upset about Superman being gone.

Superman: "I'm here for you, Lois."

Lois: "Yeah. But will you be here tomorrow? You didn't tell me you were going, even for a few months. What else aren't you telling me?"

He has no answer, and flies off. Continue with the scene as before.

All is good until Lois is trapped on Lex's ship. Lex's plan is to create a new continent in the Atlantic Ocean ("See, dad? Someone is making more land!"). It won't destroy North America per se, although there will be a lot of coastal flooding. Say, Metropolis is on the coast, isn't it?

Ultimately Jason saves her by hitting the guy with a piano (but not killing him).

Lex launches the kryptonite crystal.

Clark, Richard, and Jimmy are trying to find Lois. They see the maps on her desk with an address circled, they start to head out for it when the power blows.

Out in the ocean, the crystals start to form.

When the power comes back up, Richard, Clark, and Jimmy talk about whatever's happening, Lois will be right in the middle of it. News reports come on about a strange thing in the Atlantic, and jets have been scrambled to investigate. Richard and Clark: "Lois!" and they run off in different directions. Superman heads out over the water but, like before, he has to go back and save Metropolis. This gives us time for:

Lex is looking around his new island. There is no Kryptonite visible, just black outcroppings. The girl and his henchmen bitch about the barrenness but he promises the next ones will be fertile, paradise on Earth. This first one is for a specific purpose. He goes to an area in the middle and, holding his breath, he waves his hand over the ground in front of him. After a pause, a control panel very like the one in the Fortress of Solitude appears. Black, like the rest of the place (in fact, by now it should be apparent that he's created an evil version of Superman's home). He starts hooking up one of the laptops to the control panel. He places a crystal in the panel; everything lights up with an evil glow.

Richard rescues Lois and Jason, Superman rescues them all. 

The jets show up. Lex types furiously on the laptop. Beams of force erupt from the base of the control panel and take out the aircraft without a second's hesitation (there's a colorful streak across them just as they explode). Jor-El is alarmed. Lex loves it. "Bring it on! I can take out your ships, your nukes, anything you've got!"

Superman lets the pilots go to parachute safely down before he flies back to land directly in front of Lex, a look of disgust on his face when he sees the evil control panel running off to the side. Lex is not only threatening the world, he's screwing around with Superman's heritage.

Superman: Anything?

Lex smiles and punches him. This happens fast, so we don't have time to register that there's Kryptonite here (and neither does Superman, who let the punch land without fear and was thus completely taken by surprise when it knocked his ass down). The thugs beat him up and he lands in a crevice, splashing the water out so now we can all see just how much Kryptonite is under the rocky surface (answer: a lot). Maybe not so much "Passion of the Superman," this time, though. Lex pontificates that Superman could have ended world hunger, provided housing for all, but never did. Now Lex will, and the world will truly understand who was the greater hero. Superman tries to explain, using some of the same reasons Lois gave for the world not needing him, but Lex stabs him. 

The world's militia is mobilizing. More aircraft and a missile or two show up and Lex swats them down like he's playing a video game. He tells the thugs to ready the next crystal. Lots of destruction, clearly Lex is unstoppable.

Same rescue by Richard and Lois, same recovery. This time Superman pauses before flying off and tells Lois, "This time I'm saying goodbye." He leaves.

Lex shoots at him and Superman takes it full in the chest. It doesn't kill him, but it does blow a big hole in his shirt and knock him back aways. Lex is frustrated. How many times does he have to kill this guy.

Superman is hurt, he can't get close, so he flies up and does the sun thing before zooming down and heatbeaming the base of the island. He hits the surface of the water spread-eagled so the wake smashes across the island washing the henchmen over the side into the ocean. Lex and Kitty manage to avoid being swept away. Lex hands Kitty the crystals; she starts to toss them but he grabs them away from her.

Lex: Why do women always foil me and help him? Is it the hair? He has better hair?

But he stumbles and loses them in a crevice when the island shakes and the place falling apart convinces him to get to the copter as the island begins to rise.

Superman pushes the island up. As chunks fall off and more Kryptonite is exposed, he cries out, obviously in pain, but doesn't stop. Finally, with his last burst of strength, he shoves the thing towards the sun. He has time for one last "Goodbye, father," before he falls.

The island hurtles towards the sun.

Superman falls.

We see the surface of the island heating, the water boiling away, the crystals starting to explode. The control panel melts and sparks.

Superman hits the ground.

He's rushed into the hospital. Same as before, except his uniform does not get ripped like an old T-shirt (although they're welcome to try). We see doctors carefully removing the hundreds of tiny Kryptonite shards stuck in his bleeding hands. He flatlines, they revive him as before.

Lois visits. Same deal, but shows up before they leave — he gave them their privacy — and on the way out he mentions "I thought he got strength from sunlight."

Lois: He does.

Richard: So why were the blinds shut? Don't you guys have a solarium or something?

The doctors stop, stunned. Then things happen very quickly. Superman revives, waves to the docs, and flies away to the cheers of the crowds. He spots Martha and flies off to reappear as Clark in the crowd. She nods at the teeming mob. "Still think you're alone?" He hugs her. The message is clear: he has a parent who loves him, right here.

Closing scene. Still peeks in on Jason, but not so much with the father-son stuff. Does he know? For that matter, do we know? Leave it unclear. Same close with Lois, and he flies off into the sunset.

This was written before I read Marv Wolfman's excellent novelization, where some of these points are addressed. Were they in the script and left out? Did he fix them himself? Dunno, but that version worked where the  movie version failed. Bryan Singer's Superman is a whiny, abandoning, stalker of a superhero. Just the simple change of having the 5-years-gone be an accident would have made him sympathetic and tragic.

Before I begin, let me establish a few things.

I don't bitch for the sake of bitching. I don't nitpick movies for the joy of finding mistakes in someone else's work. Nor do I think my concepts for a movie should override those of the people who actually worked on the movie. I don't care about cigarettes that jump from hand to hand in different scenes, or stagehands reflected in windows, or the minor inconsistencies that pop up in every movie.

I love the first three movies even though they had flaws and plot holes that could swallow a small moon. I can even accept the existence of Jar-Jar and other silly bits because like it or not the Star Wars movies were always intended for kids. They're Saturday afternoon matinee movies, cliffhangers, the type that used to be serialized.

And I do, in fact, like the general plot of the three prequels. It makes sense, it ties together a lot of loose ends (loose beginnings?) and it does an excellent job of explaining how the Empire was forged, and where the Rebels came from, and what happened to the Jedis.

What bothered me, what disapppointed me, was the little stuff. Stuff that added to the flair of the first three and seems completely missing from the new ones. Stuff that knocks me out of the movie because even my belief-suspended brain can't let it go.

Some of the little things that bugged me, in no particular order:

Aliens with accents like foreigners in 50's movies.

The pod race where there was never, ever, the slightest hint that Mannakin was using the Force, even subconsciously. The race was too long and there was no real sense of danger or effort on his part.

There's a lot of suffering mentioned on Naboo, but never any shown. In fact, as far as I can tell no one lives on Naboo besides the Gungans, the palace personnel, and the hordes of people brought out to cheer parades.

The introduction of C3PO and R2D2 in a location that Vader should have remembered later on. With luck the third movie will address that, and why Darth Vader didn't recognize them. Or, for that matter, the planet he was, you know, enslaved on. Were I him in "Star Wars" and I saw the droids' capsule crash land, I'd head straight to my old stomping grounds and start shooting, just to save time.

R2D2's jet packs. Boy, those would have been handy later on…

Mannakin apparently forgetting about his slave mother for 10 years. Jedis don't get paid? Couldn't he have direct-deposited some of his cash towards a freedom fund or something?

Not getting to see any of Mannakin's training, or his early wonder at his own abilities.

The apparent lack of journalism. If I heard rumors about a blockade, I'd at least send a photographer to check.

The lack of any good lines or mannerisms. Why should I like these people?

The lack of any reason to like Darth Maul. Ooh, he's got tattoos and a dark cloak. Ooh, he can spin around real good. So what? Let's see some casual cruelty, or personal quirk, or anything to convince me he's there for any reason besides providing a new action figure. The final battle scene when he's on one side of a clear wall, Qui-Gon-Jin's in the middle, and Obi-Wan is on the other end annoyed me like you wouldn't believe. What exactly was the purpose of that? 
(I should mention here that I felt exactly the same way about Bobba Fett, who was built up and discarded in the same useless cardboard manner.)

Jar-Jar becoming a general, and then a planetary representative. Please. Comic relief is one thing, don't insult me.

The Jedi Council deciding that Mannakin was too old and powerful to train. And the reasoning here is…? Nah, this gun's too powerful to use against our enemies, let's toss it out in the street.

The mitichlorians. The who? Where the hell did those come from?

It's not that the prequels have more plot problems than the original trilogy – they likely don't – but that the prequels don't have enough reason for me to become emotionally invested in them, and so I notice the plot holes more.

Now, having complained, the Armchair Script Doctor will solve these problems. Here's some suggestions for Phantom Menace.

Change the alien accents, or use subtitles.

Add some scenes to show us that Anakin has the Force in him. Let Qui-Gon see Anakin absent-mindedly reach for a tool that jumps into his hand without him noticing, or run his hands over a machine before going right to the section that's broken. Let him get imperiled in the pod race and then concentrate until his pod rights itself, let his eyes roll back a little while he miraculously dodges obstacles, something. Mostly, give us some visible symbol that shows he's Using the Force.
Even having Anakin grab Jar-Jar's tongue in mid-air after seeing Qui-Gon do it once would be something.

Let Qui-Gon explain the Force to Anakin by showing him instead of telling him. Not only has Anakin never seen it, but it's been many years since the audience has seen new Force moves and it would have helped. Also a good spot for Anakin to get to do something to prove to himself (and us) that he's Force-ful. Dump the mitichlorians. Let Qui-Gon test Anakin with some kind of simple mental exercise, like moving a small rock. See how this works:

"Very good, Anakin. There's not many that can do what you just did. Now, I want you to try pushing it towards me, but this time I'm gong to try and push it towards you. It's not a perfect way to test how strong you are in the Force, but it'll do for now. Ready?"

The stone shivers, then moves slowly towards Qui-Gon. He closes his eyes and smiles. The stone stops and moves steadily back towards Anakin. Anakin frowns and concentrates. The stone stops. Obi-Wan looks at both of them, starts to look concerned. Qui-Gon isn't smiling anymore. The stone shakes violently in place. Suddenly it whips across the room. Qui-Gon ducks just in time for it to miss him and shatter on the wall behind him.

Anakin opens his eyes. "Was that good?"

Qui-Gon looks stunned. "Yes, yes, that was excellent. You should run along now." Anakin leaves.

Obi-Wan looks at the rock shards. "How strong is he?"

"That's only happened to me once before."

"With who?"

Qui-Gon looks down the hallway after the boy. "Yoda."

See? Tense, visual, we get a sense of the boy's power, and it makes the Jedis edgy right off.

Lose the "Anakin's virgin birth" reference. When Qui-Gon asks about his father, let his mother just smile and lower her head or say it's too painful to discuss or something.

Anakin's mother should give him something of hers when he leaves. We need a connection between them that the audience can see. Personally I wouldn't have minded hearing Anakin ask if they can free her, too. Be nice to know he tried.

Show us the suffering on Naboo, something besides the single shot of people being led away. I had real problems believing tales of misery and woe from an elected Queen who can't wear the same extravagant outfit twice running (mistaken identity nonetheless). Could we see the blockade blocking something? Are medical supplies running low? Are they starving? What?

The underwater chase scene was wasted. That should never have been some sea monster, it should have been part of the blockade, Sidious' soldiers chasing our heroes underwater, possibly while hunting for the Gungans. That way we wouldn't have had the sense of a dropped-in-for-the-video-game aspect, it would have progressed the plot and shown us how dangerous the situation is, and we would have had a better sense of "our heroes are in constant danger" from then on.

The first Darth Maul fight. Give us something fun. Let him alternate between fighting the Jedis and lopping off sections of their ship, just to show off.

When Qui-Gon introduces Anakin to the council and announces he's the chosen one, a smart-ass line from Obi-Wan would have been well-timed. He's got a personality, right? Right? Qui-Gon should argue forcefully but then give in. His announcement that he would train the boy anyway should be made after they leave the council. "So what do we do now, master?" "We train him anyway."

Some scenes showing us more of the fighting in the Senate might have helped, and the ridiculous floating Mickey Mouse shoes need to just go away. They didn't have the sense of grandeur or majesty that even a small courtroom can have. Put 'em in tiered seats and let 'em argue.

Give us a scene where Obi-Wan and Anakin butt heads, instead of Obi-Wan just not liking him. We need a reason for the animosity and the scene would allow us to identify with one of the other, depending. When Obi-Wan apologizes to Qui-Gon for his attitude towards the boy, Qui-Gon should have told him "I'm not the one to apologize to." Nice place to strengthen (or worsen) the relationship between Obi-Wan and Anakin.

Jar-Jar should be shoved in with the front line foot soldiers, where he could have had exactly the same misadventures.

Give Darth Maul some scenes to be cool in. I don't mean flipping his saber around real fast, I mean like killing someone indiscriminately or showing him track the Jedis down in a clever and unexpected way.

I can live with Anakin getting stuck in a fighter on autopilot. But lose the unbelievable accidental crap. Let him exhibit whatever visual Force-using method he did in the pod race (see above) and dodge stuff. This is also a spot where the humor of the first three movies was missing here. Anakin should have fired on something that caused the people on the planet more problems first, like knocking aside a laser that took out the top of the building the Jedis were climbing on or something. After he crashes into the bay, let him ask R2 what that big thing over there is. R2 tells him it's the reactor port, and that damage to that could kill Anakin as well. Let Anakin shoot it (on purpose) anyway, and then get pleasantly surprised when his ship escapes damage. That can be as miraculous as you like since that character will have "earned" it in the eyes of the audience.

Big fight scene with Darth Maul – again, make him interesting and not just skilled. He fought gracefully, let him be playful. He should manuever the two skilled jedi into each other, or get past their guards to make crippling blows a little at a time. Lose the force-field scene, it could just as easily be done by having the three people fall into a new scene and stand there, facing each other, waiting for a move. Maul could pace, Qui-Gon could stand peacefully, Obi-Wan could do whatever it was he did. Personally, I'd have liked the ending to have come like this: Qui-Gon quickly realizes they can't beat this guy. For possibly the first time in the movie, he's flustered, and he's fearing for his apprentice's life. Finally he works himself around so that Maul can kill him, knowing that it'll leave Obi-Wan an opening to kill Maul in turn. Obi-Wan does so, proud that he beat the guy, finally doing something right after playing second banana to a kid the whole time, then he sees the cost