Of course, two of those categories were never, at any point, expressly mentioned during the telecast. Those would be Favorite Online Sensation and Favorite User-Generated Video, the online-only awards, which apparently were popular enough to drum up some Internet buzz and traffic for the PCA site but not enough to, you know, explicitly acknowledge on camera in any audible way.

This follows the pattern set by last year's Emmy Awards, which included an online-only poll for people to vote for TV's Most Memorable Moments, winners to be shown during the Emmy broadcast, only none of them ever were, probably because they barely had enough time to cram in all the long, cringe-inducing bouts of reality-show-host banter as it was. Why show a moment from the history of television which touched the hearts of millions when you could just let Howie Mandel rant aimlessly for another 10 minutes?

(Of course, it could be a conspiracy. Joss Whedon's show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" won the "TV's Most Memorable Moments, Drama" Emmy last spring and his "Dr. Horrible" won Favorite Online Sensation last night; maybe there's some sort of legendary Hollywood prophecy, whispered amongst the ancient executives, that California will sink beneath the waves if someone is ever foolhardy enough to hand him an award?)

So we're good enough to fan the flames of buzz, give marketers something to do and make the awards shows seem marginally more relevant, but we don't get to sit at the big kids' table at the ceremony. Fair enough, fair enough. Especially since I don't watch the awards shows on TV anyway.

They're a lot better online.

In user-edited 2-minute ad-free only-the-best-line-of-the-night all-the-boring-banter-chopped-out clips on YouTube.

After all, those are the people's choice…

First off, I agree the Emmys need fixing. Years from now, on my deathbed, my biggest regret will be the loss of those irreplaceable three hours of reality-show-fueled horror, especialy when I knew I could just wait an hour and watch the best 10-15 minutes of it on YouTube. But how to honor our best and brightest without boring the crap out of everybody?

I'm right behind their suggestion of getting Neil Patrick Harris to host. He has the perfect mix of self-assurance, witty ad-libs, honest respect for the craft, and sheer delight in being there that makes for a great host. But I flatly disagree that cable shows and movies should be pushed to the technical Emmys night; some of them are the best shows on TV, why banish them?

Instead, I suggest you get rid of the most annoying, time-wasting part of the show: the presenter bits. Tired and hackneyed, more of a joke themselves than actually amusing, the only presenter jokes that actually work are those which make fun of how bad presenter jokes are (a la Rickles, Stewart, Colbert, et al). Mostly they're just painful reminders that most presenters aren't that good in a live situation. Dump 'em. 

Here's my proposed Emmy night:

NPH comes out and does 5 minutes of opening act. That's it.

Next, two acclaimed stars of a genre come out. Mary Tyler Moore and Betty White were excellent choices this year. For 2009 let's go with, say, Alan Alda and Carol Burnette. Must be someone who likely inspired everyone in the category and someone not up for an award themselves. They give a one-minute talk on comedy shows, do a presentation (more on this in a moment) and then proceed to award all the Comedy awards, one after another: Best Writer, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Comedy Show.

No constant changes back and forth, no sitting through a new set of presenters for every frickin' award. Just run through 'em all. But don't waste that precious saved time; use some of it for that presentation I mentioned. Before announcing the winners, let Alan and Carol show short clips from every show nominated in those categories. There'll be a lot of overlap so it won't take as long as you'd think, and will certainly take up less time than waiting for seven different sets of presenters to walk slowly out and flub their lines. And hey, we'll get to actually see a little bit of why these shows were nominated! Imagine that! Show a quick scene from the episodes that were submitted for consideration, get us involved. Let us think, hey, maybe I should be watching that.

NPH comes out and does a retrospective of whatever great show has an anniversary that year. Gotta get some history in there, just not too much.

Then he announces two more great actors who show clips of the nominated Variety. Music, or Comedy Series.  Best Writer, Best Director, Best Individual Performance, Best Show. Move on.

Mind you, winners still get to make their speeches, but then the same presenters just step back over and award the next one without the lame, time-eating banter. Winners go off to the side and wait, in case they win another and have to come back. When the category is over, they can all bow together (and wouldn't it be cool seeing them on the same stage?).

NPH mentions the Creative Arts Emmys, and hey, let's see some highlights from those. Had to be a few good moments.

Two more great actors come out and show clips of the nominated Movies, Miniseries or Dramatic Specials. Best Writer, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Show. Move on.

NPH introduces the President of the Academy, who comes out flanked by the accountants. Might as well combine two boring and apparently vital bits. The President can then anounce whomever is presenting for tonight's achievement award.

Bring out two reality show stars/hosts/winners/whatever to award the reality show awards, whatever they are. All of them. And please, just reality shows. Game shows are not reality shows, Howie.

Let NPH run the dead star tribute. (By the way, Emmy people? We're a very to-the-minute generation. If you can throw video together fast enough to be showing clips from the show during the show's closing credits, you can make a dead star tribute that includes even those stars who died the morning of the Emmys. Lose the arbitrary cutoff date for video montage recognition.)

Last two beloved actors come out to present for Drama Series. Show the clips, award for Best Writer, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Show.

NPH can thank everybody, and we're out of here with time to spare.

Look, the Emmys people want the categories split up and lots of big name presenters because they think it helps ratings and keeps us watching. But we're the Internet generation, we want everything on our terms. And let's face it, no one tunes into the Emmys just to see if Sandra Oh will present this year. Let us tune in and see the awards we're interested in without having to sit through the stuff we're not, and you'll get more overall viewers. Maybe I want to see the Comedy awards and then go to bed. Maybe some viewers are only interested in Drama. Why make them watch all of it?

And please dump the gimmicks. Get a host who clearly loves his job and respects the nominees. Hey, if NPH can't do it, how about Mike Rowe? He should have won for reality host anyway, and no one handles people better.

Anyway, that's my suggestion. Minimal presenters, clips of the nominees, and maybe next time you'd have time to run the Most Memorable Scene winners we voted for like you promised and failed to deliver.

Which makes sense, really. Why shouldn't the fine creative work being produced for mobile phones, handheld devices, and the Internet get the same opportunity to be skipped, shunned, and shamefully robbed as the rest of the entertainment world?

Six nominees were chosen from the 74 entries submitted: '24: Conspiracy,' a spinoff of the insanely popular FOX TV show '24' created for the mobile phones of people who can't bear the long minutes between the 687 times "24" is rerun every day; 'It's JerryTime!,' an animated blog that follows the life of a 40-something single guy (i.e., the Internet); Live 8 on AOL, the massive worldwide music concert event that brought together thousands of performers to do what many said was impossible: make Bob Geldof relevant again; 'mtvU Stand In,' which features celebrities such as Kanye West, Natalie Portman, Bill Gates, John McCain, and Madonna as surprise substitute teachers at universities to make startled students suspect their drugs aren't as cut as they thought they were; 'Sophie Chase,' an online police show directed by the man behind 'The A-Team' and 'MacGyver' and therefore in need of no extra jokes from me, and 'Stranger Adventures: Helen Beaumont,' an interactive puzzle contest that combines the fun of solving a puzzle with the excitement of checking your e-mail.

All worthy contestents. But only one category? Personally I'd rather see these shows rated against their counterparts in old-fashioned TV — they'd sweep the daytime Emmys, at least — but if they must be segregated let's at least recognize the different classifications of quality available. I have a few suggestions.

Outstanding Achievement in Poorly Timed Buffering

Awarded to the broadcast with the most maddeningly placed interruptions of exciting scenes, as measured by number of angrily smashed monitors per capita.

Most Viral Video

One that crosses all the genres, this award goes to the persistently popular video clip that's been sent to you over and over by your family, friends, coworkers, boss, creditors, pets, neighbors, and your old kindergarten teachers until your router and your brain have both melted in slag, because "man, you gotta see this."

Outstanding Music Appropriation

The finest example of an "original" soundtrack that has been so heavily tweaked and altered it's hardly possible to tell which copyrighted source it was swiped from.

Outstanding Performance by an Unwitting and Soon to be Mortally Embarrassed Actor/Actress

Previously won by such worthies as Star Wars Kid, Terrible Mr. G, and Unnamed Psycho Ex-Girlfriend, this coveted award goes to the performer who gives it his or her all for the ultimate benefit of millions of viewers the performer was completely unaware of.

Least Repellant Flash Ad

Could be a problem due to lack of entries, but it's certainly a worthy goal.

Outstanding Lead Actor on a Teeny, Tiny Screen

Sure, anybody can look good on a 56" high-def TV, but hey, let's see you emote on an iPod, Denzel.

Outstanding Brokeback Mountain Parody

An overwhelming number of entries forced the creation of this category, replacing last year's Outstanding MasterCard Commercial Parody.

Outstanding Performer in a NSFW Comedy, Musical, or Variety Show

This will be the one everyone will be arguing about, you mark my words.

And the final award of the evening:

Outstanding Achievement by Some Guy in a Basement with a Mac

Where we honor those quirky, anti-social, hygienically suspect individuals who manage to take $300 of used, off-the-shelf equipment and software and produce stunning works of complexity and beauty that makes WETA weep and ILF smash its mice. Easily the most satisfying award to watch, especially when the winner admits he did it all in three days and tearfully thanks his parents and the local Red Bull distributor.

The ceremony will be simulcast on TV and online and will be presented by the casts of "One Life to Live" and PvPOnline. Don't miss it!

Bad news: A fire destroyed their studio and most of their props and sets over the weekend. Wow. I can't even imagine what that must do to see your life's work destroyed, although Wallace and Gromit's creator, Nick Park, said the earthquake in South Asia helped put the loss into perspective.

"Even though it is a precious and nostalgic collection and valuable to the company, in light of other tragedies, today isn't a big deal," he said.