At the moment I'm rereading Steel Beach by John Varley, for perhaps the 15th time. Hard to say why it appeals to me so much — along with its companion/sequel Golden Globe — without saying "everything," but it works for me on a lot of levels.

Quick synopsis: Humans occupy the other planets and moons in the solar system, which is good because the Earth was invaded by aliens so powerful they won in less than a day and may never have actually noticed we were there. A hundred years later on the moon, intrepid and increasingly dissatisfied reporter Hildy Johnson shares her time between the hustle and bustle of Luna City and the untamed wilderness of the fake Texas inside of the maintained Disneylands, tracking down stories and dealing with the near-godlike Central Computer that keeps this idyllic life going. No one is hungry, almost every injury can be healed instantly, gender choice is purely optional and as easy to change as buying a new car, and Hildy has amazing luck when new stories break. So in a world with virtually no death and no want, why does he (and so many others) keep trying to commit suicide?

A huge, rambling book, Steel Beach lets us listen in on the wiseass thoughts of a world-class cynic as he (and later, she) investigates the underbelly of the perfect world. Lots of sex but no real sex scenes, lots of philosophical musing, plenty of action, some great characters, a fully-developed and utterly believable future world, and the best opening sentence of any Hugo- and Locus Award-nominated book, ever: "In five years the penis will become obsolete!" There's a strong Heinlein feel here — along with some obvious homages to the master — but with more laugh-out-loud humor and people you might actually imagine meeting.

An excerpt: Hildy, flush from a big story, has decided to change genders to female, having been male for the last 30 years (he's 100) and has gone to see an old friend who is currently in vogue:

When you get the full treatment from Bobbie, no bodily detail is too small.  The big, gaudy, obvious things were quickly disposed of.  Breasts?  What are people wearing this year, Bobbie?  As small as that?  Well, let's not get ridiculous, dear, I'd like to feel a little bounce, all right?  Legs?  Sort of . . . you know . . . long.  Long enough to reach the ground.  No knobs on the knees, if you please.  Trim ankles.  Arms?  Well, what can you say about arms?  Work your magic, Bobbie.  I like a size five shoe and all my best dresses are nines-and thirty years out of date, enough time for some of them to be stylish again-so work around that.  Besides, I feel comfortable in a body that size, and height reductions cost out at nearly two thousand per centimeter.

Some people spend most of their time on the face.  Not me.  I've always preferred to make any facial changes gradually, one feature at a time, so people can recognize me.  I settled on my basic face fifty years ago, and see no need to change it for current fashion, beyond a little frill here and there.  I told Bobbie not to change the underlying bone structure at all; I feel it's suitable for a male or a female countenance.  He suggested a slight fullness to the lips and showed me a new nose I liked, and I went flat-out trendy with the ears, letting him give me his latest design.  But when I showed up for work after the Change, everyone would know it was Hildy.

I thought I was through . . . but what about the toes?  Bare feet are quite practical in Luna, and had come back into vogue, so people will be looking at your toes.  The current rage was to eliminate them entirely as an evolutionary atavism; Bobbie spent some time trying to sell me on Sockfeet, which look just like they sound.  I guess I'm just a toe person.  Or if you listen to Bobbie, a Cro-Magnon.  I spent half an hour on the toes, and almost as much time on the fingers and hands.  There's nothing I hate like sweaty hands.

I put considerable thought into the contemplation of navels.  With the nipples and the vulva, the navel is the only punctuation between the chin and the toenails, the only places for the eye to pause in the smooth sweep of the female form I was designing.  I did not neglect it.  Speaking of the vulva, I once again proved myself a hopeless reactionary.  Lately, otherwise conservative women had been indulging the most outrageous flights of fancy when it came to labial architecture, to the point that it was sometimes difficult to be sure what sex you were looking at without a second glance.  I preferred more modest, compact arrangements.  With me, it is mostly not for public display anyway.  I usually wear something below the waist, some sort of skirt or pants, and I didn't want to frighten off a lover when I dropped them.

"You won't frighten anyone with that, Hildy," Bobbie said, looking sourly at the simulation of the genitals I'd just spent so much time elaborating.  "I'd say your main problem here is boredom."

"It was good enough for Eve."

"I must have missed her last showing.  Can't imagine why.  I'm sure it will prove quite useful in the circles you move in, but are you sure I couldn't interest you in-"

"I'm the one that has to use it, and that's what I want.  Have a heart, Bobbie.  I'm an old-fashioned girl.  And didn't I give you a free hand with the skin tones, and the nipples, and the ears and the shoulderblades and the collarbones and the ass and those two fetching little dimples in the small of the back?"  I turned at the waist and looked at the full-body simulation that had replaced one of the mirrors, and chewed on a knuckle.  "Maybe we should take another look at those dimples . . ."

When you're looking for something to read, what are your fallback books, your old favorites you can read again and again? I have plenty more…

If you have no idea who best-selling mystery author Richard Castle is, you haven't been watching ABC's "Castle" starring Nathan Fillion. And if you haven't, shame on you. Aside from the fact that Fillion is in it, "Castle" is a refreshing change from the endlessly intense police procedurals and CSI: Whatevers that load up the screen. "Castle" is attitude-TV, the latest progeny of the Rockford Files-Columbo-Murder She Wrote school of detective shows where the actual crime is secondary to watching the stars be wiseasses at each other as they solve it.

Castle is an internationally famous mystery writer who has killed off his main character and needs a new idea. Enter NYPD Detective Kate Beckett, working on a case in which the murder scenes resemble scenes from his books. Castle discovers his new muse — hard-as-nails, intelligent, beautiful Beckett — and uses his pull with the mayor to  hang around the department for "research." Just about everyone on the show shines, but if nothing else watch it for Fillion's charm and the novelty of finally seeing him on a show in its second season.

Through the first season we saw newly-inspired Castle write his new book, "Heat Wave." And then ABC and Hyperion Books actually published the thing, which presents a problem.

We've been told, over and over, that he's a world-class writer, right? So there's a certain level of expectation for the book. Can we, reading it, believe that a best-selling writer wrote it?

The answer is yes, but that writer is Dan Brown.

The concept of the book itself is just what I was hoping for. Clearly inspired by his own situation, Castle wrote about Det. Nikki Heat and the world-famous reporter (Jameson Rook)  who's allowed to follow her around thanks to a favor from the mayor, as they work to solve the murder of a big shot developer. You can see where bits and pieces from the show crept into his writing, even whole scenes at times such as the high-level poker game Castle tricked Beckett into, and that's a 208-page easter egg for the fans. It's written from Nikki Heat's perspective, so it's like you're seeing what Castle thinks Beckett is like (or at least an idealized version of Beckett). The dialogue is crisp and funny, the plot is as good a mystery as any I've read, and the characters have their own personalities hiding within the cliched mystery-novel conventions.

But the style of the book gets on my nerves. Like Dan Brown, "Castle" not only tells you what someone is doing, but why they are doing it, every step of the way, like color commentary.

Kimberly gave her the name of a doctor, Cory Van Peldt. Yes, it was the truth, she said, and yes, it was the same doctor she's seen this morning. Heat had her spell his name and wrote it on her pad along with his number. Kimberly said she met him when she went in for a facial assessment two weeks ago, and they had this magic thing. Heat was betting the magic was in his pants and in his wallet, but she knew better than to say so. She prayed Rookhad the same sense.

As long as things were in a hostile vein, Nikki decided to press on. In a few minutes she would need Kimberly's cooperation with the photos and wanted her to think twice about lying, or be so rattled that she'd do it poorly if she did. "A lot of things can't be taken at face value with you."

Instead of someone telling you a great story, it's more like they're telling you about a great story they saw. And that's how "Heat Wave" is written, start to finish. Rarely are we ever granted the luxury of just reading what's happening and using our own imaginations to wonder about motivations. Over and over we are told, not shown.

Thing is, Dan Brown is a hugely best-selling author for some reason I can't understand, so Castle's "Heat Wave" may be exactly what America wants on its bedside table.

I love the show. I love the characters. I love the concept of the book, the people in the book, the meat of the book, basically everything about the book but the book itself, which is kinda disappointing. I think Fillion coulda done better.

You can decide for yourself, ABC has several chapters online for free. Personally, when it comes to TV tie-in novels, I prefer Lee Goldberg's "Monk" books. But this was a decent effort and a nice complement to the series, as well as a great thing to take to Nathan Fillion autograph signings.

Edited to add: What I really want to see now is Beckett, on the show, reacting to reading this. It's a pretty obvious wish-fulfillment story and a hell of a come-on…

"Heat Wave" is available in hardback, for  the Kindle and other eBook readers, or as an audiobook, which, amazingly, is not read by the author. ABC, what were you thinking?

And he'll talk about anything. No topic is too personal, every aspect of his life gets put out there for everyone to see.

So by now you'd think I'd have a pretty good handle on what he was like in person, right?

I came in late to the SModcast, the weekly podcast Smith records with his longtime friend and producer Scott Mosier, mostly because I never listened to podcasts of any kind until fairly recently and besides, I'd heard all his stories, right? But I got a better car stereo, and an iPod Touch, and I started working out and needed something to distract me from the unpleasant chore of making my body move around, and so when I did look for podcasts his was the first I grabbed. And I learned two valuable lessons.

First, the polished storyteller Kevin I saw on stage telling oft-told tales of Hollywood with the confident ease of long practice did not prepare me for the giggling Kev spinning wild and almost unspeakably deviant fantasies which he then hilariously acts out, with Mosier and other familiar View Askew faces like Walt Flanagan, Bryan Johnson and Malcolm Ingram. His remarkably tolerant wife Jen and daughter Harley even make appearances. Smith is more than a little like his character Randall in the way he pushes and pushes at a situation, making it worse and worse until you finally give in, whereupon he makes it worse.

Second, it's a really bad idea to be holding a lot of weight over your head at the Y when Kevin starts doing Harry Potter's voice, explaining to a panicky Ron that screaming "Forgeticus!" after fumbling with a half-awake Harry under the covers in the Hogwarts dorms really doesn't work. (Mosier: It's called "being on the down low, Ron") Nor will the average elderly Y-goer understand why you're trying desperately not to lose it as "Harry" tells Hermione to try gulping some gillyweed before oral sex to hold her breath longer.

This is Kevin Smith at his most raw, when he's coming up with ideas right there in the company of the people who make him laugh. And his new book, "Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith: The Best of SModcast," on sale tomorrow, is a transcript of some of the best segments. You do lose some of the impact without the sound effects, the fake voices and the background music, but it's still funny and utterly wrong as hell.

Did Helen Keller have a sex life? Did Smith recently have sex with his wife's leg? How long would Smith and Mosier last on the Lost island before they started looking good to each other? Would Scott Mosier perform a sexual act on a dying fan, at the fan's request? What if the Make-A-Wish Foundation forced him to do it? What's up with the Godzilla Jesus movie, or Stalin's monkey soldier army, or bukkake eggs, or why Kevin was willing to let Alanis Morrisette get mugged.

In his previous book, New York Times bestseller "My Boring Ass Life," Smith gave us a peek into his life. This time he lets us into his brain.You might want to wear waders, but don't miss the trip.

Get it from Amazon, or order a signed one from Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, or take a shot at winning a free copy in my "Which Kevin Smith Character Would You Nail?" contest.

NSFW excerpt after the jump:

From SModcast number 45
Lost and Bukkake Eggs

KS: If we were in Lost, and there was nobody else…

SM: On the show, or if we were actually trapped on the island?

KS: It’s like Lost, but the plane that went down, we were the only two survivors.

SM: Okay, so we’re stranded on an island.

KS: We’re stranded on an island. That island. But there’s only two of us, so the Others don’t bother with us, they’re not a threat or anything like that.

SM: They just watch, and snicker.

KS: Yeah, they’re just like, “Let’s watch and see how long it takes for these two to fuck.” If we were lost on the desert island, and, how long have they been lost? At least half a year, in TV time?

SM: Something like that, yeah.

KS: Like, in real time, it’s been three, four seasons, but I think it’s only like…

SM: I thought it was like a hundred and ten days.

KS: Something like that. Um… We’re on the island with no hope of… we don’t know if we’re ever gonna get rescued, we don’t even have hope like these fuckers, like every once in a while they find a plane or some such shit…

SM: Yeah. What, we never leave the beach?

KS: Yeah, we’re always just like, “Let’s stay here!” Or you’re like, “Let’s go hiking!” and I’m like, “Fuck that, let’s stay here in case somebody comes. Plus, hiking sucks.” So, we’re just living on the beach and shit, and maybe every once in a while you go out and run into a polar bear, and you’re like, “There’s a fucking polar bear on the island!” And I’m like, “I told you you should stay on the beach!”

SM: I mean, I don’t think I’d be doing recreational things. It would be more like, “I’m gonna go try to get us some food.”

KS: I’m like, “Alright, I’m down with that.”

SM: If I ended up on an island, I might introduce the idea of like, “I should hike to a vantage point, where we can see most of the island, ’cause maybe there’s something, anything on there, as opposed to staying on one beach; two, I would hike into the interior to try to find food. You would have to deal with fish.

KS: Like, catching them?

SM: Yeah, but also eating them.

KS: Yeah, that’d be tough for me. I mean, I guess if you’re hungry you’d fucking do it.

SM: We’d have to create fire. I would actually, there would be a part of me that would be like… I love the idea of us standing around, trying to figure out when we’re going to fuck each other.

KS: That’s what I’m talking about. How long would it be before we were like, “Alright, we’re gonna…” Well, first off, let’s take it to the first level. Do you jerk off on the island?

SM: Sure.

KS: Do you do it privately? Do you do it while I’m sleeping?

SM: Uh…

KS: Or are you like, “I’m going on a hike,” and it’s like a three minute hike and you’re like, “I’m back!”

SM: I’m just behind a tree, five feet away, you can see me…

KS: Finding a knot on a fucking palm tree and shit, drilling it… You do jerk off? Do you jerk off in the ocean, underwater, or is that like, salt water on your dick?

SM: Um…. Maybe I would do it there. I don’t know where I would do it. I think that there would be… initially, my thing would be food and shelter.

KS: Right.

SM: And I would think I would use masturbation as more of just a…

KS: Tension reliever?

SM: Yeah, like, you know, after a long day. I mean, it’s pitch dark, it’s not like there’s lots of light.

KS: It’s true.

SM: I could be in the same room, and you wouldn’t see it.

KS: Yeah, I’m like, “What is that noise?” “Nothing. Go back to sleep.” “I’m not sleeping.” “Just — you didn’t hear nothing.”

SM: “You don’t see nothing, you don’t hear nothing.”

KS: “Get lost.” I’m like, “We are lost!”

SM: I’d probably do it in private.

KS: Mmm. How long… how many years do you think it’s before you’re like, “Let’s fuck.” Or, do you ever get to that point, or is it too weird? You’re like, “We’re too…I don’t want to ruin the friendship.”

SM: It would be a strange… I think it would have to be something that you would have to experience. On the outset, I would be like…

KS: “Never!”

SM:Well, it wouldn’t occur to me that… like, at this point… I think you would have to go through the experience, because at this point off the top of my head, my initial reaction is that one, I would think about surviving…

KS: Right.

SM: And getting rescued. Not to avoid fucking you.

KS: Right, right. I mean, I’m starting to get a little hurt, my feelings are hurt.

SM: I’m just sending out all these messages, “Please rescue me so we don’t have to fuck…”

KS: “I’m within a month of fucking this fat pig and I don’t wanna do it. Please, help us get unlost.”

(More here)

Demented horror comedy may be one of the toughest genres to do convincingly, but Jeff Strand makes it happen, Author of How to Rescue a Dead Princess, Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) , The Sinister Mr. Corpse, (and many others), he has stepped away from his frivolous roots to produce a serious psychological thriller, Pressure.

Good: it did really well and was a finalist for the 2007 Bram Stoker Award. Bad: this is a problem, because it might encourage him to wrote more serious stuff, and you know how I feel about that. Fortunately, judging from the helpful video above, that "serious" thing hasn't taken a firm hold yet…

Strand will be signing at the Books-A-Million in Cassleberry, FL, tomorrow from 1 to 3 pm. Can you and your homicidal impulses dare not to go?

Check out more of his ravings here.

In Still Flying, we’ll be uncovering even more secrets from the series, stuffing the book full of unseen material, including new photos, props, behind-the-scenes secrets and much more besides.

The first two were excellent resources (reviews here and here), as all Titan tie-in books tend to be, with plenty of new interviews, insider tidbits, and full-color photos even hard-core fans haven't seen. I'm hopeful this will be a worthy addition.

Titan's on a roll this year. In addition to this they're also working on the official movie novelization and official Visual Companion for Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard's upcoming movie "Cabin in the Woods." And the collection of Kevin Smith SModcasts, "Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith." And the movie book for Mark Millar's "Kick-Ass."

If you haven't been listening (and why not? they're hilarious) you can read the best of the worst in Titan Books' new release, "Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith:The Best of the SModcast". An excerpt has been posted online, and vistors to the Titan Books booth at Comic-Con this week (booth #5337) can get a free sampler.

After the jump, a NSFW bit from the excerpt on Kevin and Scott lost on the "Lost" island:

SM: We’d have to create fire. I would actually, there would be a part of me that would be like… I love the idea of us standing around, trying to figure out when we’re going to fuck each other.

KS: That’s what I’m talking about. How long would it be before we were like, “Alright, we’re gonna…” Well, first off, let’s take it to the first level. Do you jerk off on the island?

SM: Sure.

KS: Do you do it privately? Do you do it while I’m sleeping?

SM: Uh…

KS: Or are you like, “I’m going on a hike,” and it’s like a three minute hike and you’re like, “I’m back!”

"Shooting the Sh*T With Kevin Smith" is due out September 22. 384 pages, Titan Books. Preorder it on Amazon!

Starting Aug. 10 ABC will publish chapters of Richard Castle's "Heat Wave" as they air reruns of the show, leading up to the season premiere in late September. The book will reportedly include elements from the shows — which makes sense, given the premise, that he's following the cops to get story ideas. The book itself will be published September 29 by Hyperion.

There's one problem with stuff like this: what if the book by this fictional bestselling writer sucks? No one's saying who the real author is. Personally, I hope it's Nathan. Look for these to show up on Fillion's autograph lines real soon.

Eagle-eyed Browncoats have noticed a new listing at Amazon: a third Firefly Companion book from Titan Books, due out next March. What will this one cover?

No idea. Titan hasn't released details yet, other than the official title ("Firefly: Still Flying – A Celebration of Joss Whedon’s Acclaimed TV Series") and that it will be the same format — full color, 160 pages –  as their previous Firefly and Serenity Companions.

And that means you should preorder it right away. Titan's series remains the single best companions to the 'verse that have been produced, with scripts, interviews with the cast and crew, production drawings, close ups of props, and never-before-seen-pictures, which was damn impressive considering how voraciously Browncoats hunted those out.

Although it does beg the question, what could it be about? The comics? The fans? "Can't Stop the Serenity"? The various books of essays? The licensed products from QMx? A look back? Firefly's influence on other shows? More stuff from the show that didn't fit into the previous books? Tell me it contains, say, the next three unproduced scripts in the series and I'll buy it right now.

More details as I get 'em, but be aware it's out there and coming.  And if you haven't seen Titan's Firefly: The Official Companion 1, Firefly: The Official Companion 2, or the Serenity Visual Companion, go get them immediately.

Neil has generously given KNTR an autographed copy of the original motion picture soundtrack of the big screen adaptation of his popular book, Coraline!  As if that weren’t enough, he also donated an autographed Coraline t-shirt (adult size extra large)!  Neil wrote a little note on the shirt that says, “Sweet Dreams”, along with his signature.

As always, proceeds go towards getting books on library shelves. Kids need to read!

Also, here's Neil and Amanda Palmer in a bathtub:

Artist Jonathan Baldwin has created an extremely limited edition (i.e. 1 of 1) board game based loosely on Hunter S. Thompson's immortal tome, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Packed in a suitcase, you get rows of phenethylamines, game cards, stimulants, a board, hallucinogens, game pieces, petri dishes, adventure cards, a shot glass, and much more.

OK, the drugs are lookalike fakes, but still, this is an amazing work that you'll never, ever get through airport security. Apparently designed to be played over a weekend of debauchery, gameplay includes "activities" such as going to a fair and inquiring about the price of one of the apes "with the most serious face you can manage," and challenges such as catching two of three things hurled at you while someone flicks the lights on and off. There are also dosage cards letting you know what all the fake drugs do.

Just add some grapefruit and a few bats and you've got the makings of a great game for the whole family for just $3,500! Which is certainly cheaper than assembling an actual suitcase full of drugs, plus hotel room repair charges. Check out lots of pics here.

(thanks to boingboing.net)