Posts Tagged ‘fanfic’

Now this is just disturbing. In honor of the upcoming Harry Potter book The Guardian held a contest for people to write a Dumbledore death scene in the style of a famous author. Entries have abused the likes of Anne Rice, Dr. Seuss, e.e.cummings, George Lucas, Hemmingway, James Joyce, Sappho, Raymond Chandler, Agatha Christie, etc.

So far my favorites are the Terry Pratchett and the A.A. Milne ones, but I'm still reading…

Link

On the Serenity site, there's a challenge to write Zoe and Wash's wedding vows. I couldn't let this pass, and I thought you might get a kick out of what I came up with.

The Wedding Vows of Zoe and Hoban Washburne

MINISTER: So, are we all ready?

ZOE: You sure about this, hon?

WASH: Absolutely. Are we supposed to be wearing those robe things?

MINISTER: If you like, but it’s not–

ZOE: Because if it’s just to get me into bed, I was all ready to go without the preacher here to nod at me. In fact, I thought we were just about to–

WASH: Not even on my mind. Well, OK, it’s been on my mind a little. OK, I walked into several walls on the way over here, but I love you, Zoe. I want us to be together first, all official like. I’m old fashioned. Also, insanely jealous. This is legally binding, right? Can they make the rings really tight?

ZOE: Didn’t have anything to do with the captain being away on a job overnight?

WASH: I am offended by the very accusation. You don’t think he’ll come back early, do you?

MINISTER: Would you like a few moments? Couples often have last minute discussions that occasionally get quite spirited. We have a special room right back here. It’s padded. Breakable furniture is available, for a small fee.

WASH: We’re good, fire it up.

MINISTER: Fair enough. Let’s see, I’ve got your paperwork right here, let’s begin. Hoban—

ZOE: Wait a minute. “Hoban”?

WASH: Why do you think I go by “Wash”?

ZOE: I may want to rethink this.

WASH: Hurry, man, before she comes to her senses! The drugs will wear off soon!

MINISTER: Um, yeah, Wash, ni yuan yi qu Zoe zuo wei ni de qi zi ma, yu ta zai sheng shen de hun yu zhong gong tong sheng huo? Wu lun shi ji bing huo jian kang, ping qong huo fu yu, mei mao huo shi se, shun li huo shi yi, ni dou yuan yi ai ta, an wei ta, zunjinta, bao huo ta? Bi yuan yi zai ni men yi sheng zhi zhong dui ta yong yuan zhong xing bu bian?

WASH: Yupper.

MINISTER: And Zoe, ni yuan yi qu Ho… um, I mean Wash, here, zuo wei –

MAL: Wow! Is this a party? Are there presents?

WASH: Oh, jiba dan.

KAYLEE: I don’t believe you two were doing this without us! We didn’t have a bridal shower or dress rehearsals or fertility festivals or those cute games with ribbons or nuthin’.

ZOE: And that’s why we snuck out.

MAL: It wasn’t because of any pesky orders your captain might have given you?

WASH: Orders? What orders? Were there orders? When were there orders?

ZOE: You were busy, we didn’t want to worry you with trifling matters. Matters not any of your business.

MAL: Mighty thoughtful of you, considering my feelings and all that. Say, does this ceremony have one of those “if anyone has any reason” clauses? I always love that part.

ZOE: No, sir. It doesn’t. We chose it special.

MAL: Pity. Can’t go wrong with the classics.

KAYLEE: Coulda at least let us know to show up. You don’t even got a proper bouquet to toss.

WASH: Might not be a good idea. If Zoe here throws anything it’s usually to pin someone to a wall. Granted, a bouquet would be more colorful than usual, but…

ZOE: And just what’s that supposed to mean?

WASH: What? That you’re a warrior woman. I get that. I even like that.

ZOE: Like it? Like it how? Like a snuggly like it?

WASH: I mean I really–

MAL: Can I object anyway? Just on general principle? And because I have a gun?

ZOE: You can sit there. Kaylee, you sit there. And be quiet and respectable or we won’t let you watch.

WASH: Watch?

ZOE: The wedding, dear. Focus.

WASH: Right, got it. Get going, preacher, there’s some urgency building up here.

MAL: That’s why you’re getting married? Hydraulics?

MINISTER: I hate it when the family shows up, it always gets messy.

ZOE: And Zoe…

MINISTER: And Zoe, ni yuan yi qu Wash zuo wei ni de jan fu ma, yu ta zai sheng shen de hun yu zhong gong tong sheng huo? Wu lun shi ji bing huo jian kang, ping qong huo fu yu, mei mao huo shi se, shun li huo shi yi, ni dou yuan yi ai ta, an wei ta, zunjinta, bao huo ta? Bi yuan yi zai ni men yi sheng zhi zhong dui ta yong yuan zhong xing bu bian?

ZOE: O yuan yi.

MINISTER: Under the eyes of God, and with the power vested in me by the Shuang Xi Wedding Chapel and All-Nite Happy Luck Casino, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the… oh.

KAYLEE: Oh, that’s so sweet! I’m gonna cry, captain, don’t let me cry.

MAL: I’m getting a little weepy myself.

KAYLEE: Then why do you look mad?

MAL: That’s how I get when I’m weepy. Inside I’m sobbing like a little girl, honest.

KAYLEE: You got no romance in you, that’s what.

MAL: Like as you’re right. She’s gonna want time off for a honeymoon now, you wait. Maybe even a whole day.

KAYLEE: Huh. You think they’re ever gonna stop kissing?

MAL: Gotta replenish their life support sometime.

WASH: Hey, Mrs. Washburne.

ZOE: Honey?

WASH: Yes, sweet?

ZOE: I’m keeping my own name.

WASH: Do I still get to see you naked?

ZOE: Oh, yes.

WASH: Then you can call yourself anything you want. Absolutely nothing can ruin this for me. We’ve got nuthin’ but good times ahead.

JAYNE: Am I too late? Do I get to kiss the bride? I done brushed my teeth and everything. Is she pregnant yet?

ZOE: Dear? Would you defend my honor by holding my coat while I beat up this man?

WASH: Anything for you, lambikins. I’m your rock.

JAYNE: Wait! I wuz kiddin’! Ain’t brides supposed to be all demure and suchli… ow! Ow!

MAL: Sad how marriage softens a person, ain’t it?

WASH: Yeah. Before this she woulda just shot him.

KAYLEE: Just like the weddings at home. ‘Cept I got no bouquet to catch, o’course.

MAL: Little Kaylee, the other people in the room are me, the reverend, and Jayne. Of all of us, which one you think’s getting married next?

KAYLEE: Good point. Thank you, cap’n!

WASH: You think she’s ever gonna stop hitting him?

Bean crept over the ducting to get a better look. The man kept bustling about, always blocking the monitor, but Bean had learned how to be patient in the streets of Rotterdam. Impatient boys died. Bean was a survivor.

Finally he got a clear shot and watched as a password was entered. Bean memorized it easily and began backing up, inch by inch, to return to his barracks before anyone noticed. It took him nearly a half hour before he emerged, naked and filthy, from the vent grill.

After he climbed into bed and let his breathing patterns follow their natural rhythm into what would appear to be deep sleep, he slid his desk out and, curled around it to keep it invisible from prying eyes, logged in.

"CLAUS," he typed. "PASSWORD: KRING01." Amateur.

Long lists of Battle School students streamed past, each one with a "naughty" or "nice" designation. Obviously chosen arbitrarily, he noticed, as the labels had little to do with actual student performance and everything to do with how charming or personally ingratiating the students were. Such was the way of the world, even when you were no longer in the world.

Bean called up the list again and started changing some of the labels. Not all of them, just a few, here and there, to make sure that Ender's jeesh would get the recognition they deserved. Such largesse might be wasted on Bean himself, having never experienced the heady anticipation and family joys of Christmas, but it would help bond the others into a closer unit. That would be important, Bean knew. Soldiers without presents would feel less than the others, inadequate, left out.

He had finished — after a quick mental struggle he decided to change his own listing to "nice" as well so as not to stand out — and moved to sign off when he noticed another list. One keystroke and he was looking at the staff records.

In the darkness, Bean smiled. Oh, you've been a naughty boy, Graff…

(with apologies to Orson Scott Card…)