Posts Tagged ‘finance’

Identity theft is a growing concern these days, as evidenced by the serious expressions on the faces of the news anchors. Unscrupulous people are Googling your garbage or something and getting your personal, private information. Then, dressed like you and speaking with an odd accent, they use your name to apply for something financially crippling like a new sports car, a small vacation island in the tropics, or the Columbia House Music Club.

You never felt it, there was no odd tugging at your wallet. But unbeknownst to you, your name is whomping up a staggering mound of debt and your credit rating now has a radioactive shelf life of 4,000 years.

"I never even guessed until the men from the collection agency showed up at my door with baseball bats," you'll say. "They told me I owed $476,000 for office supplies I never ordered! And that I owed another $13,000 for shipping and handling! Also, my kidneys."

Someone out there could be living high on the hog with your name right now. They could be ordering champagne every night, a new airplane every morning, and maliciously Super-Sizing their fries at every lunch. They could, in fact, be having more fun with your name than you ever did, which just adds insult to penury.

There are several useful techniques for preventing identity theft, none of which I have ever used because no one wants my identity. Just follow these handy steps to ensure that your identity is completely safe.

Never give out your personal information.

Ever. Under any circumstances. Burn your insurance card, shred your wallet, punch anyone who calls you by name in the face. Systematically go through every official document that contains any data about you whatsoever and destroy it immediately, even the phone number on your dog's tags.

Change your name.

Ha! Can't steal what they can't find, can they? Be anyone you want to be! As long as it's not you.

Pick a new name every month, the stranger the better. Criminals, being a cowardly and superstitious lot, are less likely to steal an identity that makes their fellow crooks laugh at them in the locker room. Become "Thaddeus B. Wickleberry," "Amelia Phoot," or "Amanda Huggenkiss." Who would dare steal those? Personally, I think this is what "The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince" had in mind all along, and there's certainly no other excuse for Dick Butkus.

Constant name changes can even be an advantage in other areas of your life, especially the dating scene. Why not take your name from one of the Romantic poets and become Big Freddy Keats or "Scooter" Lord Byron?

Beat them to the punch.

If someone's going to get all the goodies and totally ruin your life, why shouldn't it be you? Blow your own money away! This is the technique my family has chosen, and it's working wonderfully well. It's based on the same concept as driving a crappy-looking, theft-proof car, only we've driving a crappy-looking, theft-proof credit report.

By trashing our own credit, we have the same debts and total lack of financial security that we'd have if our identities were stolen, but we get to enjoy weekend vacations and the entertainment systems ourselves. Let the ID thieves be the ones to look embarrassed when their credit application sets off warning klaxons! Let the ID thieves be the ones to get the "sorry" letters from banks and the apologetic smiles from car dealerships! Hah!

In fact, if enough of us stay dangerously in debt it could serve as a deterrent to would-be ID thieves who feared ending up with a worse credit rating than their own. That's my goal, and I urge you to do the same. Impulse buy your heart out, keep your identity safe, and help the economy in the process.

Follow me! I'll be under the name "Amelia Phoot."