This year's haul was an odd one, for several reasons. Absolutely nothing required assembly or sneaking around, so for the first time in nearly three decades I didn't have to stay up late on Christmas Eve (although I did anyway). Most everyone in the family knew what they were getting, with a few surprises. There [...]
Read MoreDrive down our street and you'll see decorations galore. Strings of lights, intricate creations of wire and tinsel, huge inflatable Santas and reindeer and Snoopys and rotating snow globes. Except for our house, where it remains resolutely dark. Not out of any dislike of the holidays, really. We like seeing everybody else's decorations. We just [...]
Read MoreIt's National Kazoo Day! Please plan your activities accordingly, especially if you're planning anything formal tonight. Remember, kazoos fit nicely into even the smallest purse or tux pocket, and nothing finishes off a romantic evening better (or more completely) than a kazoo. This is also as good a time as any to mention the movement [...]
Read MoreI love this specific time of year. 2 o'clock in the morning, Christmas day. This is when things happen. This is the magic time when bikes get assembled, game systems get quietly hooked up, surprise presents make their appearance from carefully concealed locations, and a few cookies get eaten. Everyone in the house is asleep. [...]
Read MoreHappy New Year! It’s that magical time of year when the witty columnist dives deep into his or her own personal pool of boiling creativity and emerges, dripping, with one of exactly two of the only possible column topics available: resolutions for the new year, or predictions for the new year. It’s enough to make [...]
Read MoreSo Christmas is coming fast. And you haven’t shopped. And your loved ones will recognize, from painful experience, anything from the somewhat limited gift selections available at your corner gas station. What to do, what to do? You can try pulling off the old “Christmas has become too commercialized so I’m donating to charity in [...]
Read MoreHappy New Year's! It's time to fondly remember all the things we've accomplished over the last year, have a drink, and then solemnly vow to never do any of them ever again. Most resolutions happen soon after the horrified realization of the state you woke up in on New Year's afternoon, but those are usually [...]
Read MoreI'm spending this morning recovering from the holiday. Not the day of the Fourth itself, mind you. I expect that to be loud and boisterous and patriotic and smelling like barbecue, and I take whatever steps I feel appropriate. But this Fourth landed on a Tuesday and out here in the woods my neighbors have [...]
Read MoreValentine's Day. A name that evokes images of love, romance, moonlight, unrealistic financial burdens, emotional blackmail, and horrific gangland massacres. Ah, love! This pink and fluffy holiday began as the ancient pagan festival of Lupercalia where Roman priests would sacrifice a goat (for fertility) and a dog (because it wouldn't stop barking). The boys of [...]
Read MoreThe holidays are fast approaching and, like many of you, I'm looking forward to waking up on Christmas morning and rushing downstairs with a giddy feeling of dread. This is because our family holiday traditions involve disembodied body parts. I realize that unless you have bizarre, illegal, and unsavory habits, or you're Billy Bob Thornton, [...]
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