And he'll talk about anything. No topic is too personal, every aspect of his life gets put out there for everyone to see.

So by now you'd think I'd have a pretty good handle on what he was like in person, right?

I came in late to the SModcast, the weekly podcast Smith records with his longtime friend and producer Scott Mosier, mostly because I never listened to podcasts of any kind until fairly recently and besides, I'd heard all his stories, right? But I got a better car stereo, and an iPod Touch, and I started working out and needed something to distract me from the unpleasant chore of making my body move around, and so when I did look for podcasts his was the first I grabbed. And I learned two valuable lessons.

First, the polished storyteller Kevin I saw on stage telling oft-told tales of Hollywood with the confident ease of long practice did not prepare me for the giggling Kev spinning wild and almost unspeakably deviant fantasies which he then hilariously acts out, with Mosier and other familiar View Askew faces like Walt Flanagan, Bryan Johnson and Malcolm Ingram. His remarkably tolerant wife Jen and daughter Harley even make appearances. Smith is more than a little like his character Randall in the way he pushes and pushes at a situation, making it worse and worse until you finally give in, whereupon he makes it worse.

Second, it's a really bad idea to be holding a lot of weight over your head at the Y when Kevin starts doing Harry Potter's voice, explaining to a panicky Ron that screaming "Forgeticus!" after fumbling with a half-awake Harry under the covers in the Hogwarts dorms really doesn't work. (Mosier: It's called "being on the down low, Ron") Nor will the average elderly Y-goer understand why you're trying desperately not to lose it as "Harry" tells Hermione to try gulping some gillyweed before oral sex to hold her breath longer.

This is Kevin Smith at his most raw, when he's coming up with ideas right there in the company of the people who make him laugh. And his new book, "Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith: The Best of SModcast," on sale tomorrow, is a transcript of some of the best segments. You do lose some of the impact without the sound effects, the fake voices and the background music, but it's still funny and utterly wrong as hell.

Did Helen Keller have a sex life? Did Smith recently have sex with his wife's leg? How long would Smith and Mosier last on the Lost island before they started looking good to each other? Would Scott Mosier perform a sexual act on a dying fan, at the fan's request? What if the Make-A-Wish Foundation forced him to do it? What's up with the Godzilla Jesus movie, or Stalin's monkey soldier army, or bukkake eggs, or why Kevin was willing to let Alanis Morrisette get mugged.

In his previous book, New York Times bestseller "My Boring Ass Life," Smith gave us a peek into his life. This time he lets us into his brain.You might want to wear waders, but don't miss the trip.

Get it from Amazon, or order a signed one from Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, or take a shot at winning a free copy in my "Which Kevin Smith Character Would You Nail?" contest.

NSFW excerpt after the jump:

From SModcast number 45
Lost and Bukkake Eggs

KS: If we were in Lost, and there was nobody else…

SM: On the show, or if we were actually trapped on the island?

KS: It’s like Lost, but the plane that went down, we were the only two survivors.

SM: Okay, so we’re stranded on an island.

KS: We’re stranded on an island. That island. But there’s only two of us, so the Others don’t bother with us, they’re not a threat or anything like that.

SM: They just watch, and snicker.

KS: Yeah, they’re just like, “Let’s watch and see how long it takes for these two to fuck.” If we were lost on the desert island, and, how long have they been lost? At least half a year, in TV time?

SM: Something like that, yeah.

KS: Like, in real time, it’s been three, four seasons, but I think it’s only like…

SM: I thought it was like a hundred and ten days.

KS: Something like that. Um… We’re on the island with no hope of… we don’t know if we’re ever gonna get rescued, we don’t even have hope like these fuckers, like every once in a while they find a plane or some such shit…

SM: Yeah. What, we never leave the beach?

KS: Yeah, we’re always just like, “Let’s stay here!” Or you’re like, “Let’s go hiking!” and I’m like, “Fuck that, let’s stay here in case somebody comes. Plus, hiking sucks.” So, we’re just living on the beach and shit, and maybe every once in a while you go out and run into a polar bear, and you’re like, “There’s a fucking polar bear on the island!” And I’m like, “I told you you should stay on the beach!”

SM: I mean, I don’t think I’d be doing recreational things. It would be more like, “I’m gonna go try to get us some food.”

KS: I’m like, “Alright, I’m down with that.”

SM: If I ended up on an island, I might introduce the idea of like, “I should hike to a vantage point, where we can see most of the island, ’cause maybe there’s something, anything on there, as opposed to staying on one beach; two, I would hike into the interior to try to find food. You would have to deal with fish.

KS: Like, catching them?

SM: Yeah, but also eating them.

KS: Yeah, that’d be tough for me. I mean, I guess if you’re hungry you’d fucking do it.

SM: We’d have to create fire. I would actually, there would be a part of me that would be like… I love the idea of us standing around, trying to figure out when we’re going to fuck each other.

KS: That’s what I’m talking about. How long would it be before we were like, “Alright, we’re gonna…” Well, first off, let’s take it to the first level. Do you jerk off on the island?

SM: Sure.

KS: Do you do it privately? Do you do it while I’m sleeping?

SM: Uh…

KS: Or are you like, “I’m going on a hike,” and it’s like a three minute hike and you’re like, “I’m back!”

SM: I’m just behind a tree, five feet away, you can see me…

KS: Finding a knot on a fucking palm tree and shit, drilling it… You do jerk off? Do you jerk off in the ocean, underwater, or is that like, salt water on your dick?

SM: Um…. Maybe I would do it there. I don’t know where I would do it. I think that there would be… initially, my thing would be food and shelter.

KS: Right.

SM: And I would think I would use masturbation as more of just a…

KS: Tension reliever?

SM: Yeah, like, you know, after a long day. I mean, it’s pitch dark, it’s not like there’s lots of light.

KS: It’s true.

SM: I could be in the same room, and you wouldn’t see it.

KS: Yeah, I’m like, “What is that noise?” “Nothing. Go back to sleep.” “I’m not sleeping.” “Just — you didn’t hear nothing.”

SM: “You don’t see nothing, you don’t hear nothing.”

KS: “Get lost.” I’m like, “We are lost!”

SM: I’d probably do it in private.

KS: Mmm. How long… how many years do you think it’s before you’re like, “Let’s fuck.” Or, do you ever get to that point, or is it too weird? You’re like, “We’re too…I don’t want to ruin the friendship.”

SM: It would be a strange… I think it would have to be something that you would have to experience. On the outset, I would be like…

KS: “Never!”

SM:Well, it wouldn’t occur to me that… like, at this point… I think you would have to go through the experience, because at this point off the top of my head, my initial reaction is that one, I would think about surviving…

KS: Right.

SM: And getting rescued. Not to avoid fucking you.

KS: Right, right. I mean, I’m starting to get a little hurt, my feelings are hurt.

SM: I’m just sending out all these messages, “Please rescue me so we don’t have to fuck…”

KS: “I’m within a month of fucking this fat pig and I don’t wanna do it. Please, help us get unlost.”

(More here)

If you know and like movie maker Kevin Smith, you already know you want this collection of transcripts of the best of SModcast, the weekly podcast Smith does with his longtime friend and conspirator Scott Mosier. If you've seen Smith at any of his personal appearances or seen any of his live DVDs you know he's loaded with great and bewildering stories. This… is different.

First, these are not the well-weathered and practiced stories he tells so well. This is Smith getting ripped and talking off the top of his head with his friends, giggling and pushing each other to extremes, most of them inevitably involving deviant sex. And he goes straight to the NSFW well right off the bat, talking candidly about his masturbatory habits, the Godzilla Jesus movie, whether Annie Sullivan ever had sex while Helen Keller was in the room ("It's not like they were, 'We gotta keep it quiet'"), whether the Make-A-Wish Foundation covers forced celebrity hand jobs, and the sickest question Kevin's ever been asked. Smith and Co., left to their own devices, are more twisted than anything he's ever put on film (so far). And I've got three to give away.

How to enter: Just post in the comments below the answer to this question:

Which Kevin Smith character would you nail, and why?

Rules: Any character is fair game, from his movies to his cartoons to his comics to, hell, his Roadside Attractions bits if you want*. Please keep the entries less than 50 words. US and Canada entries only, unless you're willing to cover postage. Must be over 18 to win. One entry per person, please. Make sure you leave a valid e-mail address so I can contact you (your info will not be used for any other purpose). And you've got till midnight EST next Friday, Sept. 25. Three winners will be chosen at random. Go!

UPDATED: Contest is over, three names have been chosen, e-mail sent out. I;'ll post the names once I get confirmation back. Thanks everyone who entering!

"Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith" hits the stores Tuesday, Sept. 22, and you can preorder it now. Or you can order a signed one from Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash. And be sure to check out the SModcasts for a taste of what you'll be getting.

* My own response? I'd bang God, in Her guise as Alanis Morissette. She's a total hottie, and Alan Rickman would have to stand next to the bed and make all her noises for Her. Doesn't get any better, sir.

In Still Flying, we’ll be uncovering even more secrets from the series, stuffing the book full of unseen material, including new photos, props, behind-the-scenes secrets and much more besides.

The first two were excellent resources (reviews here and here), as all Titan tie-in books tend to be, with plenty of new interviews, insider tidbits, and full-color photos even hard-core fans haven't seen. I'm hopeful this will be a worthy addition.

Titan's on a roll this year. In addition to this they're also working on the official movie novelization and official Visual Companion for Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard's upcoming movie "Cabin in the Woods." And the collection of Kevin Smith SModcasts, "Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith." And the movie book for Mark Millar's "Kick-Ass."

If you haven't been listening (and why not? they're hilarious) you can read the best of the worst in Titan Books' new release, "Shootin' the Sh*t With Kevin Smith:The Best of the SModcast". An excerpt has been posted online, and vistors to the Titan Books booth at Comic-Con this week (booth #5337) can get a free sampler.

After the jump, a NSFW bit from the excerpt on Kevin and Scott lost on the "Lost" island:

SM: We’d have to create fire. I would actually, there would be a part of me that would be like… I love the idea of us standing around, trying to figure out when we’re going to fuck each other.

KS: That’s what I’m talking about. How long would it be before we were like, “Alright, we’re gonna…” Well, first off, let’s take it to the first level. Do you jerk off on the island?

SM: Sure.

KS: Do you do it privately? Do you do it while I’m sleeping?

SM: Uh…

KS: Or are you like, “I’m going on a hike,” and it’s like a three minute hike and you’re like, “I’m back!”

"Shooting the Sh*T With Kevin Smith" is due out September 22. 384 pages, Titan Books. Preorder it on Amazon!

I mean, he writes and directs great, quirky, vulgar movies ("Clerks," "Chasing Amy," "Dogma") and he writes comics and isn't a half-bad actor, but mostly what Kevin Smith does best is talk about himself, his work, his friends, his experiences, pop culture, and everyone and everything around him. I've seen him talk before, so I thought I was prepared when I went to "An Afternoon with Kevin Smith" at the Orange County Convention Center Saturday in Orlando. "Ha!" I thought to myself. "I can go and take notes and then blog about it in an amusing fashion! '2:30: Smith walks out. 2:31: First genitalia reference. Drink! Drink! 2:34: abuses questioner to the delight of all, etc.'"

The event, hosted by Florida Future Filmmakers, featured a screening of "Clerks 10th Anniversary," some interview clips, and promised he would do a Q&A from 2 till 4, with the warning that he usually went long.

He talked for over 6 hours.

Aside from one 15 minute break so the sponsors could do a raffle he went nonstop, taking questions and telling tales until nearly 9 pm, after a third of the 4,000 people attending had been forced to leave, presumably for pressing engagements or bloodflow issues.

Every question elicited at least 20 minutes of response, often wildly veering from the original topic. He called friends and relatives of fans on their cellphones (and left one hilarious out-message by request), he dispensed hugs, and he talked openly and candidly about his weight, his career, his wife, his friends, Harvey and Bob Weinstein, and Jason Mewes. It was hysterical, it was informative, some of it was undoubtedly invaluable to wannabe filmmakers, and maybe 45 minutes of it could be quoted on a family-friendly website.

On directing comic book movies: "I'm not really talented enough to pull off a big visual spectacle like that. Besides, if I do then I give up my right to make fun of them."

On "Superman Returns": "Turns out Jon Peters was right, it really could have benefited from a huge spider."

On breaking into the film business: "It's not like it was when I got in, all the little indie films now have big name celebrities in them and you have to compete with that. [...] Someone's going to come up with a new paradigm, a new way to get it out there."

I'm sure I can think of more, but I'm still recovering both from the laughter and the sitting-on-a-folding-chair-for-9-hours thing. I definitely got my money's worth, I can say that, even counting the serious cash I blew at the autographed merchandise table beforehand. Now I just have a few new terms to explain to my 14-year-old son who came with me, and I can move on.

OK, I'm exaggerating. I'm not friends with Kevin Smith or Joss Whedon, sadly, but still you hope the people you like like the people you like. And I have read that Whedon and Smith admire and respect each others work, and this made me happy for some weird fanboy reason.

But yesterday I went to see Kevin Smith speak in Orlando for the Florida Future Filmmakers event and during the talk, as he paced back and forth in front of a large mockup of the Quick Stop, someone asked what he thought about Joss Whedon's "Serenity." This is a rough quote from memory:

"I haven't seen it.

"I still haven't seen it. I still haven't seen an episode of… what was first? The show? 'Firefly'? Then it became the movie? Yeah, never saw it, never saw an episode. Mewes loves it, Mewes keeps saying 'Dude, you gotta watch 'Firefly,' you'll love it, it's like a western in space."

(laughter)

"Yeah, no, never seen it. I watched a few episodes of 'Buffy,' never really got into it, so 'Firefly' for me was never something I'd be interested in. But I've had, you know, a lot of people online, all those Browncoats keep telling me, 'You have got to check it out, dude, you would love it.' And it's dangerous to tell me that because it sets me up for a fall. A big buildup for a huge ****ing fall."

He referenced a "South Park" episode I couldn't make out — we were in a convention hall the size of an airport hanger, and we were about a third of the way back — and said people were coming up to him all the time and saying "you must love 'Family Guy'".

"Hate it. Same thing with 'Firefly,' there's always the danger I'll watch it and go 'This? This is what people think I'd like?' So I didn't see the movie because I hadn't seen the shows and didn't want to see 'Serenity' before I saw 'Firefly.'"

He went about his current favorite scifi show, "B-Star Galactica," and said he liked Whedon's X-Men comics.

If you ever get the chance to hear him speak, do so. He's funny, vulgar, very friendly with fans, will answer any question, no matter how personal, open and honestly, and he'll go until he's forced to stop. Yesterday he was scheduled to speak from 2 pm to 4, with the warning that "he tends to go long." He did; he spoke until 8:48 pm, stopping only once for 15 minutes because the hosts needed to do a raffle. We were treated to 6 solid hours of Kevin Smith telling stories, talking about genitalia (his and others), giving filmmaking advice, offering his opinions on comic book movies, calling people on fan cellphones, dispensing hugs, describing the long years of Jason Mewes' heroin addiction and his final self-propelled cleanup, and Smith's own medical problems this year (an anal fissure that erupted right before he got called for jury duty), and never repeating any of the stuff he did for "An Evening with Kevin Smith." It was an incredible day and one I'm very glad to have seen, although my butt's paying the price for it today.

But damn, that dude needs to see "Firefly." He'll love it!

There's a load of music coming your way this weekend — Poco, Pure Prairie League and Firefall today, New Smyrna Jazz Fest , singing Whos — but I'm afraid I'm going to miss it all as I prepare for, attend, and recover from Kevin Smith's talk in Orlando tomorrow.

Yahoo is offering a free coupon for a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, good for today only. You have to log in with your Yahoo ID to get it, but I've found that coffee drinkers will go to any lengths for coffee. Yahoo could have demanded you dress up like a sugar pack and stand in front of the shop singing the "I'm So Sweet" song, and you know you'd consider it for a Cinnamon Spice.

"Country Bear Jamboree"? Bomb. "Haunted Mansion"? Bomb. "Pirates of the Caribbean"? Runaway success. So, since studio memories never extend past the last movie, what's next?

Beyonce confessed to Blender that she has an alter ego. "When I feel uncomfortable about something, I tell myself, ‘I’m Sasha, I’m a diva, I’m fierce, I can do it.’ And then I can.” So there's someone in there even feistier than Beyonce? Where's her tour?

Tomorrow kicks off Banned Books Week, wherein we celebrate all the great works of literature that have bugged somebody enough to want them gone. I'm glad to see "Catcher in the Rye" still valiantly holding on to its top ten spot but I'm sorry to see J.K. Rowling miss the list for the second straight year. Pop culture witchcraft just isn't making the waves it used to, I guess.
I look forward to this week every year as way to find new good books I hadn't heard of. If you've skipped any of the classic banned books, Google can help you find 'em.