Posts Tagged ‘love’

Today marks the 19th anniversary of my wedding to Teresa. The day after tomorrow will be the 24th anniversary of us "being together." 24 years. Nearly a quarter of a century.

It's not nearly enough.

If you're the type that always just misses out on getting a girlfriend because you keep waiting too long and losing your chance, I have more depressing news for you. Now you can't even buy one.

Not on eBay, anyway. Not anymore.

A recent flood of offers for imaginary girlfriends caught the nation's eye when an assortment of women began auctioning their services as relatively significant others. For a fee you would receive personalized letters, postcards, photos, and e-mails from your one true love to leave conspicuously lying about at work or sticking out of your bag at the gym. After the choreographed breakup, you'd get one last letter begging [your name] to take her back.

Yeah, that's right. You dumped her.

Make all those jokes about your pathetic love life vanish with this even more pathetic arrangement. What could be better? And it's hardly an original idea. What single person hasn't thought about sending themselves flowers at the workplace, or joining the lunchtime bragging with tales of an apocryphal personal trainer? Lonely hearts have been inventing vaporous sweeties ever since Adam tried to convince Eve to go out with him by saying he was still vulnerable over his ex from Milwaukee.

In high school, my imaginary girlfriend was from South Carolina and had been visiting over the summer, when there were no witnesses. Her name was Angie, and we were deeply in love. Honest. I had the letters to prove it, with painstakingly looped handwriting and lipstick and everything.

My dateless friends got to spend their freshman year living vicariously through me while I spun wondrous tales of my magical days and nights together with Angie, and they were there to support me when she was tragically killed in a convenient ice cream truck accident after I ran out of ideas. I was devastated for weeks, especially when I needed comforting or a free lunch.

Years later, with the help of a playful long-distance friend, I invented a girlfriend for my buddy in the Navy which came as a huge surprise to him and his shipmates after he started getting intimate and embarrassing letters from someone he'd never, strictly speaking, met. "Don't worry, darling, just two more years and our love will be legal!" Every mail call brought hours of fun for which he's never completely forgiven me.

Sadly, eBay finally pulled the plug on the girlfriend auctions. While the auction giant considered most of the hundreds of initial listings to be harmless, eBay spokesman Hani Durzy said some of the more tangible offers had crossed the line "into something that was clearly inappropriate," which I'm guessing means poetry.

But why not offer fictional affection? It doesn't harm anyone, as long as nothing is legally binding. No reason to limit it to love affairs, either. Wouldn't you pay to get a personalized letter from a caring political representative for once, one that maybe spells your name right? How about renting some children who'll write you once in a while? Perhaps you'd appreciate a personalized memo from a nonexistent CEO that praises your work and gives you the kind of hearty backpats you'd never get from your actual performance.

Fortunately there are still ways to get romantic attention without going to the trouble of dating. The original imaginary girlfriend, a 22-year-old college junior named Judy, has gone retail at www.judylovesme.com , making extra college cash on the simple, time-tested principle that people will believe anything if you spray perfume on it. Thirty dollars gets you a girlfriend for a month, and if commitment is a problem you can get a non-explicit postcard referencing your wild one-night fling for just $8.

Remember, Valentine's Day is coming up, and even a ghostly girlfriend is better than nothing.