Posts Tagged ‘masturbation’

May is National Masturbation Month – although I wouldn't look for President Bush to act as Grand Marshall at the parade any time soon – and many of you have questions concerning this time-honored activity.

Q: How old is masturbation?

A: Anthropologists have kept it under wraps, but the fossilized remains of the 3.5 million year old young girl found in Hadar, Ethiopia and nicknamed "Lucy" clearly show that she died because she was too distracted by an amazingly shaped 12" gourd to notice the falling tree. Masturbation actually predates the opposable thumb, and may in fact have inspired it so as to better grasp the situation.

Q: Is it harmful to masturbate?

A: Despite the warnings given by religious leaders, worried parents and the guy who invented graham crackers, masturbation is only harmful in the following situations:
1. If you begin to blister.
2. If you put someone's eye out.
3. If you are standing on the edge of a precipice.
4. If it blocks you from reaching the autopilot.
5. If you use harmful accessories, such as cacti, explosives, Ben Gay, or live bees.

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