Posts Tagged ‘porn’

Movie porn, anyway. Isn't there any playful sex out there anymore?

I’ve watched a lot of porn over the years. And I knew that a sizable portion of it was crap. Which isn’t to say I hated it. A sizable portion of all media is crap (go wiki Sturgeon’s Law) and my complaints about most porn were similar to my complaints about most books, movies, and network television: boring, uninspired, insulting. But there was always some genius director or brilliant stars that would take the genre by storm and show everyone what could be done. Whenever anyone would dismiss porn I would explain to them, patiently, that there was Good Stuff there if they’d only look for it.

Lately, I’m having problems finding it myself.

Recently I went hunting for an adult DVD to share with my wife, for the first time in quite awhile. We cuddled up, enjoyed our cake — if I woke my wife up in the middle of the night for just sex, she'd hit me; the wise husband brings chocolate cake to a seduction — and settled in for some hot and heavy action.

And spent the next 20 minutes alternately laughing, fast-forwarding, or just goggling at the screen. At no point was arousal an option.

When did porn become what anti-porn activists always said it was? I had to search high and low just to find a single DVD cover that wasn’t misogynistic or abusive. I finally settled for a historical one ("Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island," or something like that) because I figured any movie that put that much money into some truly impressive sets, costuming, and cinematography had to have spent just as much time on the squishy stuff. Fond memories of “2001 Erotic Nights” and “The Canterbury Tales” accompanied me on the drive home, but they died with the very first sex scene when all the artistry of the movie just turned off so the actors could hump. Badly.

My wife pointed out the underlying problem (we had plenty of time to talk, what with all the not-being-turned-on): the scenes are so obviously shot for the benefit of the viewer, and the viewer is presumed to be pathetic. Awkward positions that allow extreme closeups, guys never ejaculating where you can't see, guys always cool and in control while gals are unstoppably sex-starved, and so very few of the performers looking as if they a) want to be there or b) want to be there with that particular partner.

Well, this viewer ain't interested.

We may be the wrong audience for porn, at least this century. More and more I find myself hovering around the "classics" section, afraid to venture out where "Butt-Pirates of the Carribean" awaits. Look, I know the big bucks are in mindless sex, the nastier the better, and that’s fine. Buy it and enjoy it. But I'd be forever grateful if anyone out there can suggest some movies that don’t actually nauseate me. I don't even need a whole movie, gimme just one good scene and I'll buy the thing.

My needs are simple, I think.

– Normal looking people who at least look like they're having fun.
– No one looking at the camera.
– No movies that describe the women as sluts, whores, or bitches, or use the words "molest" or "gang" on the cover.
– No anal, please. Nothing against the act itself, but it's not particularly aesthetically pleasing. Not a big fan of the camera-between-the-legs shots anyway, or the extreme, can’t-get-any-closer-or-she’ll-swallow-the-camera closeups. Show me the whole scene, let me remember there are people there and not just body parts.
– Woman-woman scenes that looks like they might be enjoying it. You know, with kissing and maybe even some foreplay before they whip out the 20-inch double-headed dildo or try to go up to their elbows.
– An entire movie without silicone or implants of any kind. Try it, I dare you.
– Women who don't feel obligated to stick their entire tongue out of their mouths whenever they kiss or lick anything.
– Look, if you show me a guy pulling out of a woman’s butt and moving around to her mouth, which seems to be the trend these days, you’ve lost me. Forget it, I'll turn the thing off and go watch cartoons. I mean, eww.
– Women that aren't groomed and made up to look underage.
– Guys that look like someone you might not run away from on a dark night. Or a sunny afternoon.
– Lighting that makes the actors look soft and sexy instead of plastic and poorly shaved.
– Sounds that weren't dubbed or forced.
– People grateful to get oral sex instead of standing there looking haughty and all conquerery.
– Movies that don't have the same sex acts, in the same order, every time.
– And, hardest to find of all… playfulness! I have absolutely no interest in watching people fuck who look too fake, too insensitive, too shallow, or too scary. Don't fun people do it? In front of a camera, I mean?

I admit it; I’m starting to despair. Someone out there has to be making movies that make sex look exciting and enjoyable for everyone involved, right? Someone? Anyone?

…you spend more time putting on makeup to use your computer than you do to go out
…you catch yourself, even during business meetings, looking up and smiling every 45 seconds
…you have an irresistible urge to touch yourself whenever you see the security camera at the 7-11
…you feel awkward when you're only having one conversation at a time
…you're talking to someone and you have to leave for a moment, you place a "Be Right Back" sign on your seat
…you can't shake the feeling that all computers, everywhere, are watching you, and it doesn't bother you
…during moments of passion you cry out "Refresh! Refresh!"
…you find yourself wondering if Java would improve your man's performance, or crash his system
…sex just doesn't seem right without a keyboard nearby
…after sex, you send "thank you" notes to Logitech and Creative Labs
…whenever you're talking to your boss, even if it's in person, you keep trying to bring him up in a remote window so you can be doing something fun at the same time
…you can't have sex without checking angles first and consulting a light meter
…your favorite lover is named "Bart6969@aol.com"
…you clean your bedroom you only straighten the 160º cone of space in front of your computer
…you haven't moved from your house in 45 days but you've said hello to more people than George W. Bush
…your boyfriend is suddenly paying much more attention to what his own butt looks like, just in case
…on certain strange nights you find yourself willing to consider suggestions sent to you from people you'd never be seen with in daylight
…you find out, one strange night, that the regular computer mouse is much easier to retrieve than the cordless one
…your husband develops a Pavlovian reaction every Friday night at 8:00, PST
…you've stopped shaving below the waist
…you go in for a sonogram and ask the doctor if you can arrange a simulcast
…you get caught in one of those little photo booths trying to get your ankles over your head

Last night I woke up from a long and detailed dream about Asia Carrera. We were shopping.

Honest. I don't remember exactly why she was shooting a nighttime scene in the woods near where I live but I happened to drive by, recognize her, and convince her I wasn't a freak (or at least that I wasn't a strange freak). The fact that anyone shooting a porn movie anywhere near where I live is about as likely as the Winter Olympics picking the local 7-11 as their 2008 location was besides the point, obviously. After she threatened to call the police I managed to remind her that we'd met before – "Oh, you're that guy!" – and we talked. Turned out she was staying in the area another day and was somewhat disappointed in the accommodations. I, of course, offered my house.

In your average porn-star-related dream this would be when the thumpa-thumpa music started and we got horizontal, then vertical, then horizontal again. Instead my dream-self took her home and let her get a long hot shower while my wife and I ran around the house frantically cleaning up. Read the rest of this entry »

You walk into a bookstore and select a book. Hold it up, look at it, see if you can get an idea of its likely contents. It's thin, it has a lurid, brightly-colored cover depicting a photograph of an extremely sexy, barely dressed human being. It's part of a series, with an obvious pseudonym for an author and a sensationalistic summary on the back written at a third grade level and designed to appeal directly to the prurient interest of the reader.

So. Is it romance or porn? Check the list below to find out.

ROMANCE

The title will be something like Love's Sweet Torture, or The Accidental Bride, or Untamed.

PORN

The title will be something like Hot Teen Housewife, or Wild Austin Nights, or Untamed.

Read the rest of this entry »

So. You've got a video camera, and you and your lover have decided to film yourselves having sex (these two events often occur the same day, sometimes while you're still in Best Buys). This is a wholely admirable thing, in my view. It shows the depth of your love for one another, it shows that you prefer reality to fake, pre-packaged porn, and it shows that you're completely free and comfortable having a camera lens sticking up between your legs. Good for you!

First things first, Cecille B. First you need to make sure your lover's into it. Might not be a bad idea to make sure you won't freeze up yourself, hotshot. Try having sex in front of a camera in more innocent places – the photo booth at the mall, behind local newscasters doing live stories ("Hi mom!"), at a major league ballgame so you can get on the JumboTron ("Hi dad!"). and like that. Go find the security cameras at work and do a screen test. Or you can go the mundane approach of setting up the camera to display on your tv and then either film yourself fully clothed (to get an idea of how big your butt looks) or just watch yourselves without recording (you wuss, you). Read the rest of this entry »

(to the tune of "Born in the USA" by Springsteen)

Sat down and I got online
Heard the modem squealin', I was feeling fine
Everyone's asleep and they'll never know
That I'm grabbing dirty pictures fast as I can GO:

Porn in the CDA., there's still porn in the CDA
Check out the porn in the CDA, porn in the CDA

Nuthin wrong with a fantasy
But Congress knows what's good for me
Gonna legislate reality
Gonna save me til I'm 23

Porn in the CDA…

Click on a site and it wants my age
Needs a credit card 'fore it gives a page
Didn't know that there would be a quiz
Lucky I remember where my dad keeps his

They can't keep me out of there
Are they unaware
Newsgroups are everywhere?
Overseas sites have pictures to spare
I'm just so glad that my congressman cares now

They blocked the sites to try and teach me self control
At least I guess that was their ultimate goal
If I want smut I'll have to resort
To re-reading Kenneth Starr's report

Porn in the CDA, I want porn in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, I'm a red hot surfer in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, Porn in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, I'm a hard-clickin' surfer in the CDA

(with apologies to Bruce Springsteen and the American people…)