I’ve watched a lot of porn over the years. And I knew that a sizable portion of it was crap. Which isn’t to say I hated it. A sizable portion of all media is crap (go wiki Sturgeon’s Law) and my complaints about most porn were similar to my complaints about most books, movies, and network television: boring, uninspired, insulting. But there was always some genius director or brilliant stars that would take the genre by storm and show everyone what could be done. Whenever anyone would dismiss porn I would explain to them, patiently, that there was Good Stuff there if they’d only look for it.

Lately, I’m having problems finding it myself.

Recently I went hunting for an adult DVD to share with my wife, for the first time in quite awhile. We cuddled up, enjoyed our cake — if I woke my wife up in the middle of the night for just sex, she'd hit me; the wise husband brings chocolate cake to a seduction — and settled in for some hot and heavy action.

And spent the next 20 minutes alternately laughing, fast-forwarding, or just goggling at the screen. At no point was arousal an option.

When did porn become what anti-porn activists always said it was? I had to search high and low just to find a single DVD cover that wasn’t misogynistic or abusive. I finally settled for a historical one ("Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island," or something like that) because I figured any movie that put that much money into some truly impressive sets, costuming, and cinematography had to have spent just as much time on the squishy stuff. Fond memories of “2001 Erotic Nights” and “The Canterbury Tales” accompanied me on the drive home, but they died with the very first sex scene when all the artistry of the movie just turned off so the actors could hump. Badly.

My wife pointed out the underlying problem (we had plenty of time to talk, what with all the not-being-turned-on): the scenes are so obviously shot for the benefit of the viewer, and the viewer is presumed to be pathetic. Awkward positions that allow extreme closeups, guys never ejaculating where you can't see, guys always cool and in control while gals are unstoppably sex-starved, and so very few of the performers looking as if they a) want to be there or b) want to be there with that particular partner.

Well, this viewer ain't interested.

We may be the wrong audience for porn, at least this century. More and more I find myself hovering around the "classics" section, afraid to venture out where "Butt-Pirates of the Carribean" awaits. Look, I know the big bucks are in mindless sex, the nastier the better, and that’s fine. Buy it and enjoy it. But I'd be forever grateful if anyone out there can suggest some movies that don’t actually nauseate me. I don't even need a whole movie, gimme just one good scene and I'll buy the thing.

My needs are simple, I think.

– Normal looking people who at least look like they're having fun.
– No one looking at the camera.
– No movies that describe the women as sluts, whores, or bitches, or use the words "molest" or "gang" on the cover.
– No anal, please. Nothing against the act itself, but it's not particularly aesthetically pleasing. Not a big fan of the camera-between-the-legs shots anyway, or the extreme, can’t-get-any-closer-or-she’ll-swallow-the-camera closeups. Show me the whole scene, let me remember there are people there and not just body parts.
– Woman-woman scenes that looks like they might be enjoying it. You know, with kissing and maybe even some foreplay before they whip out the 20-inch double-headed dildo or try to go up to their elbows.
– An entire movie without silicone or implants of any kind. Try it, I dare you.
– Women who don't feel obligated to stick their entire tongue out of their mouths whenever they kiss or lick anything.
– Look, if you show me a guy pulling out of a woman’s butt and moving around to her mouth, which seems to be the trend these days, you’ve lost me. Forget it, I'll turn the thing off and go watch cartoons. I mean, eww.
– Women that aren't groomed and made up to look underage.
– Guys that look like someone you might not run away from on a dark night. Or a sunny afternoon.
– Lighting that makes the actors look soft and sexy instead of plastic and poorly shaved.
– Sounds that weren't dubbed or forced.
– People grateful to get oral sex instead of standing there looking haughty and all conquerery.
– Movies that don't have the same sex acts, in the same order, every time.
– And, hardest to find of all… playfulness! I have absolutely no interest in watching people fuck who look too fake, too insensitive, too shallow, or too scary. Don't fun people do it? In front of a camera, I mean?

I admit it; I’m starting to despair. Someone out there has to be making movies that make sex look exciting and enjoyable for everyone involved, right? Someone? Anyone?

Honest. I don't remember exactly why she was shooting a nighttime scene in the woods near where I live but I happened to drive by, recognize her, and convince her I wasn't a freak (or at least that I wasn't a strange freak). The fact that anyone shooting a porn movie anywhere near where I live is about as likely as the Winter Olympics picking the local 7-11 as their 2008 location was besides the point, obviously. After she threatened to call the police I managed to remind her that we'd met before – "Oh, you're that guy!" – and we talked. Turned out she was staying in the area another day and was somewhat disappointed in the accommodations. I, of course, offered my house.

In your average porn-star-related dream this would be when the thumpa-thumpa music started and we got horizontal, then vertical, then horizontal again. Instead my dream-self took her home and let her get a long hot shower while my wife and I ran around the house frantically cleaning up.

As I recall, and it was amazing how clear this dream was, we spent the rest of the day talking, web-surfing, and hitting the local malls. There was a great deal of nudity since she was topless whenever we were in the house – probably since those are the personal pics of her from her site that I like the most – but aside from my own quiet enjoyment it wasn't particularly sexual.

This isn't unusual for me. I've never really wanted to meet porn stars when they were porn starring, if you follow me. No reflections on those who do, of course, I realize I'm in the odd minority. I'm one of the ones who prefer the at-home pics to the glamour shots, the naked-playing-with-kittens poses to the naked-and-bent-over-a-BMW shots. The reason I like Asia so much is not because she can deep-throat a zucchini but because she personally is so cool.

It's not just Asia, either. If I met Tera Patrick I'd want to see what she looked like in jeans and a t-shirt, without the mask of makeup. I'd love to meet Nina Hartley and talk about sexual awareness and her activism, or hang around with Jonathan Morgan and shoot hoops. While I enjoy watching them have sex, the idea of projecting myself into that scene just doesn't work for me because I can't make my stubbornly reasonable mind accept it.

Part of this is realism; if Serena Williams popped by the house for an afternoon I wouldn't try playing a set against her, either, for many of the same reasons. I'd fare poorly, would sweat a lot, and would not be the one anyone would want to watch on the video afterwards. Part of it is that I'm more interested in whatever aspect of the porn star's personality that caused me to notice them above and beyond the rest in the first place. They can all hump magnificently, which but which ones can make me laugh when they're not humping?

Part of it is politeness towards a fellow professional. I don't like talking about web page design or personal writing habits when I'm trying to relax. When I meet a doctor I try not to ask them about my sinus condition. When I pass the time with a mechanic I do my best to forget I even have a car. I figure they've gotta be tired of talking about the same thing day in and day out, and we'll have more fun if I resist the impulse and talk about something else.

A big part, admittedly, is my own brain, which is constitutionally unable to envision me having sex with just anybody. The situation has to make sense. Even in high school, when I would fantasize about the lovelies in my class I'd spend as much or more time mentally working out the justification for our hot monkey love, which often involved late-night emergency rides, narrowly-thwarted muggings, or foiled kidnapping attempts. My mind had to believe that it was possible, or nothing would happen. Consequently by the time I had figured out how to get my mental lady ready and willing, I'd fall asleep from all the planning. Celebrities fantasies were even worse because I had to work out why they were in my town in the first place, without friends or their entourage, and then it just got silly.

What does this mean for the porn industry? Not a damn thing. People like me aren't a large demographic, unfortunately, else there's be more at-home videos and porn blooper DVDs. I just thought I'd share.

'Cause it was a really weird dream.

So. Is it romance or porn? Check the list below to find out.

ROMANCE

The title will be something like Love's Sweet Torture, or The Accidental Bride, or Untamed.

PORN

The title will be something like Hot Teen Housewife, or Wild Austin Nights, or Untamed.

ROMANCE

Men are named Dirk, Lance, Winchester, Mack, Brent. Women are named C.L., Maddy, Suzanne, Katrina.

PORN

Guys are named Pete, Bill, Jim, Steve. Girls are named Roxanne, Jackie, Trixie, Marcie.

ROMANCE

The setting is always the Middle Ages, on the high seas, in the antebellum South, or in modern-day America.

PORN

The setting is always New York, Los Angeles, or a generic podunk town. (In written porn. In film the setting is always a rented mansion in Santa Monica)

ROMANCE

What's the plot? A woman who lacks conventional beauty/self-confidence/boldness is being forced by her own fears/her parents/society to remain single/marry someone she does not love until she encounters a roguish, maddening man who is completely wrong for her, yet over the course of time she finds herself drawn to him despite herself even as he is irresistibly drawn to her.

PORN

What's the plot? A guy gets laid. A lot. By lots of different women.

ROMANCE

Bodies: She is beautiful, but won't realize it until towards the end of the book. He is lanky, broad-shouldered and clear-eyed, with thick hair, a flat stomach and powerful legs. Also a good jaw and a smile that can weaken her from across the room.

PORN

Bodies: He is strong and tall, and hung like a rock band lead guitarist. She is shorter than him, with big, perfect, generic tits, a flat stomach, perfect ass, trimmed or shaved pubes, and long legs.

ROMANCE

Sex: She feels the attraction but resists. They trade witty barbs. He acts arrogant and self-confident and quickly proves that he can excite her with a few well-placed caresses. The first time, he drives her wild with passionate fiery kisses and then they make earth-shattering love. The second time he drives her wild with passionate fiery kisses, goes down on her, and then they make earth-shattering love. If the book is long enough, they continue to have sex in wilder and wilder places and she surprises herself with her growing sexual appetite and wanton behavior.

PORN

Sex: They trade witty barbs. He drives her wild with passionate fiery kisses, she goes down on him, and they hump. The second time he drives a different woman wild with passionate fiery kisses, she goes down on him, and they hump (but in the kitchen this time). The third time, he drives the first woman wild with passionate fiery kisses, she goes down on him, and the second woman jumps in. They hump. Repeat seven more times, exactly the same way.

ROMANCE

Her sex floods with the streaming heat of passion, she can feel herself opening to him as he presses his rigid manhood hard against her. She can feel the length of him, insistent against the hot moist area between her legs. "Throbbing" may be involved.

PORN

Her tight hot cooze just barely slides over his rock-hard 10 inches of throatsteak. "Throbbing" will be involved in every other sentence, as will "spurting" and "shooting".

ROMANCE

Climax: He will bring her to the very brink of the fire again and again, fanning her fires anew each time unless she is insane with need and desire, and then he will stop, look deeply into her eyes and say something really arrogant before locking into a rhythm and slamming her into a rising crescendo of sensation as waves of ice-hot pleasure rock her body which threaten to rip her apart until she feels him go over the edge and spill deep inside her, and they come to a long shuddering release together.

PORN

Climax: He hoses her down with his fluids, generally all over some exterior portion of her body or deep into some portion of her body not normally utilized for reproduction. She climaxes when he does this. Every time.

ROMANCE

The non-sex plot is that despite their obvious attraction, they will try to avoid each other while dealing with the rest of the characters, getting into at least one screaming argument and separating completely, before the intertwined events of the plot all finally come together and the two people that you knew from the first chapter would end up together are thrown together and discover their own true love.

PORN

The non-sex plot is… um… I don't understand the question.

ROMANCE

Ultimately they declare their love and commitment to each other no matter what the rest of the world thinks.

PORN

Ultimately, humping.

I hope I've helped clear things up for you.

First things first, Cecille B. First you need to make sure your lover's into it. Might not be a bad idea to make sure you won't freeze up yourself, hotshot. Try having sex in front of a camera in more innocent places – the photo booth at the mall, behind local newscasters doing live stories ("Hi mom!"), at a major league ballgame so you can get on the JumboTron ("Hi dad!"). and like that. Go find the security cameras at work and do a screen test. Or you can go the mundane approach of setting up the camera to display on your tv and then either film yourself fully clothed (to get an idea of how big your butt looks) or just watch yourselves without recording (you wuss, you).

It's entirely possible that your lover may not want to go on after this point, and it's perfectly natural and normal. But natural don't get you a home-made porn tape, so you'll have to convince her. Sweet-talk her. Spend extra time with her, but don't pressure her and never mention the camera. Try logic and reason. Try big heavy bribes. However, do NOT hide the camera and then "surprise" her with the tape afterwards. It will not end well, unless you think explaining to the admitting nurse why you have a video cassette in your lower intestine is a fun afternoon. Take the time and try some gentler methods:

• Tell her how beautiful you think she is, and that you want to capture her beauty.
• Tell her that the love you share is a precious thing and would look great on widescreen format with Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound.
• Tell her it'll give you something you can whack to without feeling disloyal.
• Offer to put her name above the title.
• Offer to let her film you first (but don't do anything you wouldn't want her friends to see, because they will).
• Offer her points (but on net, not gross; no reason to be stupid about this).
• Let her do the audio commentary.

Do not, however, offer to let her best friend stand in for the close-up penetration shots.

Once she says yes, and passes the audition, it's time to set the stage. First, the problem every director faces: where to put the camera. Some thoughts:

• Set it up so it points at the bed, hook it to your tv, and go at it. Pro: You'll be able to see yourselves (which can be a kick) and you'll be able to stay in the right place. Con: You'll see the heretofore-unsuspected series of pimples on your butt, and you'll strain something trying to stay in focus.
• If you have access to two cameras (borrow a friend's) set em up in two different places and then edit afterwards to get a more proessional look. Maybe one on the dresser, and one pointing up from the floor for that Batman tv show angle.
• Hang it from the ceiling, pointing down. Interesting angle, and you can always swing it for a cool music video effect.
• Or you can attach it to the ceiling fan.
• Hey! Strap it to the top of a oscillating floor fan so you only swing onto the screen occasionally. Very new wave, or something.
• Strap the camera to your back, or your chest, or duct-tape it to a hardhat and get to work.
• Or you can just hold it while you have sex. It's kinda one-sided that way, so try passing it back and forth (but don't stop what you're doing). Expect to get giggly.

The camera problem can be solved by having a friend do your taping for you, which brings a whole new set of problems. Do you have any friends you trust to be aiming a camera at your ass? Do you have any friends who express interest in aiming a camera at your ass? Are you bothered by this?
Obviously this is something that should be worked out beforehand – having a friend "just show up" with a videocamera and klieg lights is asking for spousal rage and a few weeks of couch encampment.

Talk it over with your lover, talk it over with your friend, make sure what's understood (film but not touch, film but not touch too much, touch whatever you want just keep filming, etc) and make absolutely sure that all of you are comfortable with this. Try to pick a friend who is fun to be around and doesn't already have an unhealthy interest in your lover (otherwise you'll end up with 120 minutes of tight closeups that don't seem to involve you at all), and one that can deal with being sexually aroused for a few hours without any sort of release that might jiggle the lens. You might try making out in front of your friend just to make sure you're all comforatble with it, and it might take weeks of building up before you can relax enough to go hardcore.

Of course if your lover's cute friend pulls off her shirt, picks up the camera and says "Hey, why don't you guys do it?" all bets are off.

If you or your lover want a cameraperson but are just too shy or feel too weird about it, let your friend run the camera but make 'em wear a blindfold. They can just aim at the noise (for that video documentary feel), or you can work out some sort of twisted variant of "Marco Polo". Or they can just creep forward until their toes meet flesh and then aim down.

Then there's the setting. Are you going to start the camera rolling and then just hop to? Fun for the first thirty or forty times, but it can get old and repetitious to watch, probably. So you'll want to experiment with:

Costuming and sets. Hey, why not, it's your movie. Play with different clothing and disguises, wigs and makeup, props and settings. No one's gonna see it but you and 37 of your closest friends, go for it.

• Go with the obvious ones first, just to get them out of your system. Babysitter and kid, wife and pizza delivery guy, husband and maid, husband and hooker, husband and pizza delivery guy, policewoman and speeder, fireman and grateful rescuee, fireman and ungrateful rescuee, fireman and pizza delivery guy, and so on.
• Then move on to more specific duos. JFK and Marilyn. Gomez and Morticia. Batman and Robin. Bogie and Becall. Adam and Eve. Martin and Lewis. Bonnie and Clyde. Antony and Cleopatra. Barbie and Ken. Proctor and Gamble. Ozzie and Harriet. The coyote and the roadrunner. Lone Ranger and Tonto. Neo and Trinity. Traci Lords and that guy. The red M&M and the green M&M.
• Act out the love scene from a favorite movie and continue where the cowardly producers left off.
• Turn on the TV and play a torrid love scene based on the first show you get. "Gilligan's Island" is a hell of a lot of fun, although you'd probably want to avoid "Cops" or "Alien Autopsy." Be sure to act out some cartoons – the Road Runner ones work well for bedroom chase scenes, and there are some deeply sexual undertones in Scooby-Doo.
• Try a classic. If your videocamera is up to it, set it to "sepia" or black and white and make a silent movie. Wear lots of pancake makeup and vintage clothes, and knock things over a lot. If your friend is there he or she can hold up black cards over the lens with dialogue and exposition ("And now I have you in my clutches! Ha ha!" "Oh, no! No! No! A little lower. That's it. No! No!"). Better if you can edit it afterwards and speed it up a little, maybe add the cheesy piano score. Best if you can get a bunch of friends to strip down and do an adult Keystone Kops movie.
• If you can't manage overdubbing afterwards, include a soundtrack by playing a CD while you tape. I suggest the soundtracks from "The Princess Bride", "Indiana Jones", "The Matrix", or "The Wizard of Oz".
• If you can dub later, be sure to delete those chipmunk noises you were making and dub in something more virile-sounding, like "Take it all, you wanton! For I am an American!"
• Or add cartoon sound effects at appropriate times.
• Or do it all to a famous work, like Ravel's "Bolero" or Chruchill's "Blood, Sweat and Tears" speech.

And a few tips of advice:

• If you're going to shave, practice first and powder afterwards. Razor burn does nothing for me.
• Check for fresh pimples before you go on set. Please.
• Avoid the under-the-balls shot, it's tacky and you might damage the camera with a flying testicle.
• Use the lighting that doesn't put that yellow cast all over the walls, furniture, and you.
• Don't wave away any objections she has by saying it'll be fixed in post-production.
• Do not stop in the middle because you think you weren't in the moment.
• Do not retreat to your trailer if you get pissed.
• Save your bloopers.
• Send them to me.

And finally, you'll need to label the tape something not only harmless but actually repulsive, to prevent accidental viewing or theft. Try something like "Bill's Colonoscopy" or "American Postage Stamp Museum, 1996 Tape 2 of 5".

Happy filming! You perverts, you.

Sat down and I got online
Heard the modem squealin', I was feeling fine
Everyone's asleep and they'll never know
That I'm grabbing dirty pictures fast as I can GO:

Porn in the CDA., there's still porn in the CDA
Check out the porn in the CDA, porn in the CDA

Nuthin wrong with a fantasy
But Congress knows what's good for me
Gonna legislate reality
Gonna save me til I'm 23

Porn in the CDA…

Click on a site and it wants my age
Needs a credit card 'fore it gives a page
Didn't know that there would be a quiz
Lucky I remember where my dad keeps his

They can't keep me out of there
Are they unaware
Newsgroups are everywhere?
Overseas sites have pictures to spare
I'm just so glad that my congressman cares now

They blocked the sites to try and teach me self control
At least I guess that was their ultimate goal
If I want smut I'll have to resort
To re-reading Kenneth Starr's report

Porn in the CDA, I want porn in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, I'm a red hot surfer in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, Porn in the CDA
Porn in the CDA, I'm a hard-clickin' surfer in the CDA

(with apologies to Bruce Springsteen and the American people…)