Posts Tagged ‘quiz’

Find your own pose!

Sadly, Teresa's sleeping pose doesn't match mine. Or else she just hates wearing seatbelts in bed.

Someone posted a quiz at Hatrack to find out more about each of the members. I figure anyone asking for that deserves what they get, so here's my responses.

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Do you have any idea, any idea at all just how sick and twisted the people around you really are?

You do? Seriously?

Good, you'll ace the quiz. Each of the terms below is an actual clinical term that describes a specific sexual kink, preference or action. All you have to do is guess which definition is accurate. Go wild. You sicko.

1. A harpaxophiliac is aroused by:
a. Aborigines
b. from being robbed
c. a Marx brother
d. stringed instruments, especially upright – oh god, upright – ones
e. wigs.

2. Bradycubia refers to:
a. an overpowering attraction to Marsha Brady
b. an overpowering attraction to Greg Brady
c. an overpowering desire to watch Greg nail Marsha
d. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of his partner's vagina or anus
e. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of Greg and/or Marsha Brady

3. If you're an ochlophiliac you really get off on:
a. crowds
b. summer squash
c. Scottish accents
d. the Spider-man bad guy with the arms
e. spitting off highway bypasses

4. If a lover offered you a little scrotal infusion, it means they're about to:
a. kick you in the nuts
b. kiss you on the nuts
c. help you kiss your own nuts, with ropes and a fence puller
d. let you force your scrotum into one of their orifices
e. inject a saline solution into your ballsack until it looks like a hairy water balloon

5. A wild evening of formicophilia would require
a. a hydraulic jack and a can of Fix-A-Flat
b. a kitchen countertop with a hole in it
c. a jar of honey and a jar of ants
d. a wire brush and a bottle of iodine
e. a pile of dirty laundry

6. A stupprator is only sexually interested in:
a. newlyweds
b. virgins
c. uniformed people
d. comatose people
e. stupid people

7. A gomphipothic person would be intensely aroused by the sight of your:
a. Social Security card
b. Aunt
c. Jesse Helms hand puppet
d. Incisors
e. anorak

8. If you hop in the bed of an ophidicist, watch out for:
a. snakes
b. beetles
c. novelty lunchboxes
d. piles of sand
e. unspooled cassette tape

9. If your lover offers you a quick round of genuphallation it means you get to stick it:
a. in your lover's armpit
b. in your lover's toaster oven
c. between your lover's earphones
d. in a moistened light socket
e. between your lover's knees

10. Kokigami is the art of wrapping the penis in:
a. aluminum foil
b. piping hot towels
c. darling little paper or cloth costumes
d. bacon and held in place with toothpicks
e. hundreds of rubber bands until it looks like a balloon animal

11. If you engage in amatripsis it means you masturbate by:
a. stroking your penis with your own heels
b. rubbing your labia together
c. rubbing up against a public official
d. thinking about pop stars
e. rubbing fistfuls of money all over yourself

12. An albutophiliac would just lose all control in your:
a. hiney
b. lobby
c. attic
d. sprinklers
e. socks

13. Tripsolagniacs could probably pick up a cheap thrill at:
a. the local beauty salon
b. the local grocery store
c. the local cemetery
d. the local courthouse, especially the witness stand
e. the local slaughterhouse, especially by the runoff area

14. If a thlipsosist sneaks up behind you, you're about to get:
a. hugged
b. mugged
c. showered
d. goosed
e. pinched

15. Siderodromopjiliacs are aroused to a remarkable degree from:
a. voting
b. soap operas
c. trains
d. a guy named Sid
e. scuba suits with the nipples cut out

16. Most of my friends would probably appreciate a knismolagniac – they get get turned on from:
a. laughing
b. tickling
c. falling off furniture during sexual congress
d. falling off a municipal bus during sexual congress
e. engaging in an act of sexual congress with a member of Congress

17. Which word does not mean "arousal from person of same sex":
a. iterandria
b. uranism
c. sexual inversion
d. selglalia
e. lung-yang

18. I could be considered a nanophiliac because all of my lovers have been:
a. short
b. incontinent
c. indiscriminating
d. big busted, thank heaven
e. blind, deaf, and apparently unable to smell

19. Pareunasthenia is a fancified word for:
a. a sexual attraction to sea bass
b. male masturbation with the hole in a 45 rpm record
c. sex involving runny cheese
d. a desire to pollinate flower displays in store windows
e. a limp willy

20. Perhaps the strangest fetish of all is normophilia, which refers to:
a. an attraction to fat guys on barstools
b. a desire to have sex the same way your neighbor does, but better
c. a preference for being ravished by William, Duke of Normandy
d. those only aroused from acts considered normal by their particular society or religion
e. a fetish for men with penises of exactly average size, to be determined by means of a measuring tape, a micrometer, a weight scale, and the latest copy of Cosmo

Answers:
1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 e, 5 c, 6 b, 7 d, 8 a, 9 e, 10 c, 11 b, 12 d, 13 a, 14 e, 15 c, 16 b, 17 d, 18 a, 19 e, 20 d

All terms taken from Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. I recommend it; it's guaranteed to make you feel better about your own twisted perversions.

“How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”
“We Review the 100 Best All-Natural, Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes””
“Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a Failure?”
“How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate Tastes Right?”

Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including “The Christian Science Monitor” and “Highlights”. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well-versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

No problem! Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

1. To me, Sex is…
a. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship
b. something to be shared with that redhead over there
c. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship
d. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
e. more necessary than air Read the rest of this entry »