You might share some of that.

You most closely resemble one of the most popular heroes in the Buffy universe.

Congratulations!

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:

Nerds, Geeks & Dorks

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

America/Politics

Thanks Again! — THE 4-VARIABLE BUFFY PERSONALITY TEST

Sadly, Teresa's sleeping pose doesn't match mine. Or else she just hates wearing seatbelts in bed.

Name? Chris Bridges
Age? As old as the mayfly and as young as the hills, but I still get carded.
Height? Some.
Weight? 10 stone. Big stones.
Birthplace? Mother's hoo-ha, presumably.
Current Location? Keyboard.
School/Grade? Two years of college, opinions vary. The school has their grading system, I have mine.
Zodiac Sign? Gemini, with water chaser.
Chinese Zodiac Sign? Chicken Mai Phun.
Righty or Lefty? Righty for anything I'm going to tell you about.
Haircolor? Brown on top, red on the face, electric blue in a secret, secret place…
Eyecolor? Blue/green. Or green/blue, I'm never sure.
Skin Color? Pale, unless Teres woke up first and was feeling artistic.

About You
What's Your Family Situation? I'm not pregnant, if that's what you mean. Geez.
Any Pets? Legion.
If So What Are They? Freaking annoying.
Favorite Relative? The ratio of speed to duration, I love that.
What's Your Heritage/Race? I have rejected all nationalities as being needlessly separatist. Also, that way I can hate everyone equally.
Political Affilation? Amused.

Love & Sex

Sexuality? Buy me a Coke and we'll see.
If So, With Whom? What, I have eyes in the back of my head?
For How Long? A solid eight minutes, by God!
Are You In Love? No, I just spilled my Mountain Dew.
Do You Have A Crush On Anyone? Only myself. I'm so dreamy…
How Old Were You When You Had Your First Kiss? I promised the teacher I wouldn't tell anybody.
Where Do You Most Like To Be Kissed? My fan belt, to test devotion.
Best Love Quote? I can't narrow it down past three:

"It is as absurd to say that a man can't love one woman all the time as it is to say that a violinist needs several violins to play the same piece of music."
– Honore de Balzac

"Love is like a snowmobile flying over the frozen tundra that suddenly flips, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasles come."
– Matt Groening

Hammer: Oh, I'm not myself tonight. I don't know who I am. One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow.
Mrs. Potter: I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.
Hammer: I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.
Groucho Marx and Margaret Dumont

Your Friends

How Many Do You Have? Just the one, but my freezer didn't have much room.
Casual friends? Are those friends I don't know very well, or friends who wear Old Navy? Either way, none.
More Guys Or Girls? Sounds good, thanks.
Love Them All? One at a time and concurrently, yes.
Any You Wish You Were Closer To? Geographically, physiocally, or emotionally? No.
Oldest? Adam. Or, as I call him, Ol' Dusty Drawers.
Newest? You!
Pen Pal? That guy from Social Services, we write a lot.

This Or That

Boxers or Briefs? Yes, but neither where you'd expect.
Thongs or G-Strings? Thongs. You can't tie up a magistrate with a G-string, it's not strong enough.
Shorts or Pants? Johdpurs.
Shoes or Barefeet? Bare feet, but with laces.
Books or Movies? Books about movies, or movies based on books.
Night or Day? Dusk.
Dark or Light? Medium.
Mountains or Beach? Mountainous beaches. Find me a place where towering mountains have ocean waves crashing over them, and I'm a happy guy.
Snow or Sun? Lava.
Pepsi or Coke? Battery acid, with a twist of lemon. Healthier.
Guys or Girls? For what, exactly?
Swim or Surf? Plummet.

For or Against

Gay Marriage? Against, but only because I don't think humanity as a group can deal with it and the social upheavel isn't worth it. So, civil unions, for.
Abortion? Against. But I'm for legalized abortion.
Bush Getting Re-elected? Against
Suicide? Against, personally. It may be just peachy for you, in which case don't get any on my shoes.
War? Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nuthin'! Also, a killer card game.
Pants? Yes, please. I was feeling a draft.
Clothes In General? Clothes on generals. Many of them are fat and unsavory.

Favorites

Color? Yes.
Number? The highest prime number I can count to: 5.
Holiday? Best Madonna song, ever.
Season? Cinnamon.
Movie? Couldn't even give you the nearest fifty. I'll always watch "Pirates of the Caribbean" again, though.
Book? Couldn't even give you the nearest hundred.
Food? Steak, medium rare, baked potato with butter and seasonings, spring snap peas, sweet tea… I'll be right back.
Drink? Thanks!
TV Show? Firefly. Which is also a joke, just not mine.
Song? "If I'm Holding Your Hands What's That By My Leg?" by Gladys Wheezle and the Outpatients.
Band? Rubber.
Computer Game? Windows XP. I've almost unlocked the secret levels, and I've shot that damn talking paper clip three times!
Video Game? Sam and Max.
Anime/Manga? None, I'm afraid of tenticular cancer.
Shirt? My shirt from Gargoyle sunglasses: "Let a Gargoyle Sit On Your Face."
Pants? The ones my wife is wearing.
Actor? Johnny Depp.
Actress? Christina Ricci.
Singer? Bugs Bunny.
Flower? Unbleached.
Scent? Victory.
Animal? Man.
Cookie? Monster. Is this one of those psychological word tests?

The Future

Want To Go To College? Not in any official capacity.
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up? 300 feet tall and able to crush biplanes in my mighty grip.
Want To Get Married? Only if my wife says it's OK.
Want To Have Kids? No, I think I'd rather marry a woman.
What Would Their Names Be? Three, Two, One, and Boom.
How Many? Enough so that natural attrition doesn't wipe them out.
Where Do You Want To Live? Earth seems nice. A little noisy, but great restaurants.
Where Do You Want To Get Married? Oh, you. I hardly know you!
How Do You Want To Die? Erosion. Done properly, it should take eons.

More Stuff About You

Piercings? Not intentionally.
Tattoos? I had a much more handsome face tattooed over my own.
Smoke? Swallow.
Drink? Daily. I mean, you have to, right?
Do Drugs? Sure! Tylenol, Advil, caffeine, Sudafed, crank, and chocolate… but only socially.
Skinny Dip? I don't think "skinny" would begin to describe it.
Greatest Fear? Well, my biggest fear, like many people, is accidentally disemboweling myself with a Q-tip. But my greatest fear is being hunted down across four states by all the members of Congress and a marching band so they can string me up naked and cold in front of the Museum of Modern Art in New York so that the Million Mother March can all pass by and mock me. Not very likely, but you have to admit, it's great.
Chocolate or Vanilla? By Supreme Court order, I am not allowed to prefer one over the other.
Go To Church? Only for the bloodletting.
Religion? Only during sex.
Scars? Deep, emotional ones that I'm not permitted to talk about without medication and armed orderlies.
CDs Owned? YOu mean paid for? People still do that? Seriously?
Collections? Limbs.
Like To Be Naked? Only at the office.
Ever Eaten Sushi? No, but I've barbecued it.
An Entire Case Of Oreos? Wasn't that a Three Investigators book? "The Three Investigators and the Case of Oreos!"
Been On Stage? Yes, but I don't want to talk about it. Losing your virginity is a magical, private thing.
Danced In The Rain? No, but I have boogalooed in a mudslide.
Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex? Forget it, you can buy my book just like everyone else.
Weirdest Dream? I was Charlotte Rampling.
Best Dream? The ones where I wake up screaming my own name.
Saddest Dream? That poor rabbit. He's never going to get the Trix, is he?
Dream You Most Wish Would Come True? While I have hopes for my dream of world peace, my dream of brotherhood and understanding between all peoples, races, and nationalities, I think I'd have to go with the one about the breasts.
Think You're Attractive? Very! I attract lint, dust, wrinkles, and, for some reason, antelopes.
Shoplifted? Yes, if by "shoplifted" you mean "cunningly crafted an intricate scheme using dogs, explosives, and advanced laser technology to heist untold riches without leaving a trace." That poor 7-11 never saw it coming.
Been Caught "Doing Something"? Pretty much constantly. Otherwise I'd be, you know, dead.
Like Thunderstorms? Not romantically, but I guess they're all right.
Favorite Shoes? My 27 1/2 W clown college specials, perfect for linedancing and stock car driving.
Favorite Quote?

"I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I just think I'm slutty. Where's my parade?"
– Margaret Cho

Best Advice Given? "Don;t spit on Superman's cape." Boy, would that have been embarassing!
Worst Advice Given? "Why bother voting? What's the worst that could happen?"
Favorite Song Lyric? "We'll murder them all, amidst laughter and merriment / except for the few we take home to experiement."
What Quote Says Most About Your Life??

"You can either watch me or join me. One of them's more fun."
– Peter O'Toole (My Favorite Year)

Glad This Is Over? It's never over. This questionairre will haunt me the rest of my days. Did I answer wrong? What did I reveal? You don't know me, you anal-retentive clip-board-wielding, Sharpie-chewing freaks! You don't know me!

You do? Seriously?

Good, you'll ace the quiz. Each of the terms below is an actual clinical term that describes a specific sexual kink, preference or action. All you have to do is guess which definition is accurate. Go wild. You sicko.

1. A harpaxophiliac is aroused by:
a. Aborigines
b. from being robbed
c. a Marx brother
d. stringed instruments, especially upright – oh god, upright – ones
e. wigs.

2. Bradycubia refers to:
a. an overpowering attraction to Marsha Brady
b. an overpowering attraction to Greg Brady
c. an overpowering desire to watch Greg nail Marsha
d. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of his partner's vagina or anus
e. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of Greg and/or Marsha Brady

3. If you're an ochlophiliac you really get off on:
a. crowds
b. summer squash
c. Scottish accents
d. the Spider-man bad guy with the arms
e. spitting off highway bypasses

4. If a lover offered you a little scrotal infusion, it means they're about to:
a. kick you in the nuts
b. kiss you on the nuts
c. help you kiss your own nuts, with ropes and a fence puller
d. let you force your scrotum into one of their orifices
e. inject a saline solution into your ballsack until it looks like a hairy water balloon

5. A wild evening of formicophilia would require
a. a hydraulic jack and a can of Fix-A-Flat
b. a kitchen countertop with a hole in it
c. a jar of honey and a jar of ants
d. a wire brush and a bottle of iodine
e. a pile of dirty laundry

6. A stupprator is only sexually interested in:
a. newlyweds
b. virgins
c. uniformed people
d. comatose people
e. stupid people

7. A gomphipothic person would be intensely aroused by the sight of your:
a. Social Security card
b. Aunt
c. Jesse Helms hand puppet
d. Incisors
e. anorak

8. If you hop in the bed of an ophidicist, watch out for:
a. snakes
b. beetles
c. novelty lunchboxes
d. piles of sand
e. unspooled cassette tape

9. If your lover offers you a quick round of genuphallation it means you get to stick it:
a. in your lover's armpit
b. in your lover's toaster oven
c. between your lover's earphones
d. in a moistened light socket
e. between your lover's knees

10. Kokigami is the art of wrapping the penis in:
a. aluminum foil
b. piping hot towels
c. darling little paper or cloth costumes
d. bacon and held in place with toothpicks
e. hundreds of rubber bands until it looks like a balloon animal

11. If you engage in amatripsis it means you masturbate by:
a. stroking your penis with your own heels
b. rubbing your labia together
c. rubbing up against a public official
d. thinking about pop stars
e. rubbing fistfuls of money all over yourself

12. An albutophiliac would just lose all control in your:
a. hiney
b. lobby
c. attic
d. sprinklers
e. socks

13. Tripsolagniacs could probably pick up a cheap thrill at:
a. the local beauty salon
b. the local grocery store
c. the local cemetery
d. the local courthouse, especially the witness stand
e. the local slaughterhouse, especially by the runoff area

14. If a thlipsosist sneaks up behind you, you're about to get:
a. hugged
b. mugged
c. showered
d. goosed
e. pinched

15. Siderodromopjiliacs are aroused to a remarkable degree from:
a. voting
b. soap operas
c. trains
d. a guy named Sid
e. scuba suits with the nipples cut out

16. Most of my friends would probably appreciate a knismolagniac – they get get turned on from:
a. laughing
b. tickling
c. falling off furniture during sexual congress
d. falling off a municipal bus during sexual congress
e. engaging in an act of sexual congress with a member of Congress

17. Which word does not mean "arousal from person of same sex":
a. iterandria
b. uranism
c. sexual inversion
d. selglalia
e. lung-yang

18. I could be considered a nanophiliac because all of my lovers have been:
a. short
b. incontinent
c. indiscriminating
d. big busted, thank heaven
e. blind, deaf, and apparently unable to smell

19. Pareunasthenia is a fancified word for:
a. a sexual attraction to sea bass
b. male masturbation with the hole in a 45 rpm record
c. sex involving runny cheese
d. a desire to pollinate flower displays in store windows
e. a limp willy

20. Perhaps the strangest fetish of all is normophilia, which refers to:
a. an attraction to fat guys on barstools
b. a desire to have sex the same way your neighbor does, but better
c. a preference for being ravished by William, Duke of Normandy
d. those only aroused from acts considered normal by their particular society or religion
e. a fetish for men with penises of exactly average size, to be determined by means of a measuring tape, a micrometer, a weight scale, and the latest copy of Cosmo

Answers:
1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 e, 5 c, 6 b, 7 d, 8 a, 9 e, 10 c, 11 b, 12 d, 13 a, 14 e, 15 c, 16 b, 17 d, 18 a, 19 e, 20 d

All terms taken from Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. I recommend it; it's guaranteed to make you feel better about your own twisted perversions.

Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including “The Christian Science Monitor” and “Highlights”. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well-versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

No problem! Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

1. To me, Sex is…
a. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship
b. something to be shared with that redhead over there
c. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship
d. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
e. more necessary than air

2. My favorite sex toy is powered by:
a. “C” batteries
b. a car battery
c. a turbine engine
d. an intricate network of gears, pulleys, waterworks and pack animals
e. a small, self-contained nuclear power plant

3. The last place I had sex was:
a. in bed, with the lights off
b. on the dining room table, with the lights on
c. on the dining room table at the Embassy Hilton, with the lights on
d. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a mountain pass at midnight, with the lights off
e. inside a coffin, during a cremation

4. I judge a man's sexuality by his:
a. length
b. length and width
c. imagination
d. length, width, and imagination, and credit rating, and golf handicap
e. network of scar patterns

5. What are the only utterly necessary steps of any sexual encounter?
a. male orgasm
b. intercourse, male orgasm
c. foreplay, intercourse, male and female orgasm
d. foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms (repeat)
e. Stamping ground, flapping arms while displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly, flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in still-warm corpse

6. I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by her:
a. hooters
b. sensual, confident attitude
c. willingness to have sex with me
d. hooters and willingness to have sex with me
e. willingness to have sex with me and any three of my buds

7. How many of your lover’s erogenous zones have you successfully located?
a. 12
b. 35
c. all of them
d. only the ones on my lover’s actual body
e. all of them, and I created three more

8. Judging from your own experience, what is the average length of a man’s penis?
a. 9”
b. 10”
c. 11”
d. a and c
e. 13” or more

9. How do you keep track of your lovers afterwards?
a. my diary
b. reading The National Enquirer
c. collecting CDs of every band I’ve had
d. a dedicated computer database, online so it can be updated from anywhere, instantly
e. my staff handles that sort of thing

10. I learned about sex from:
a. my parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer
b. my schoolmates
c. porn videos
d. porn videos starring my parents
e. directing porn videos starring my parents and my schoolmates

11. My first time was:
a. gentle and loving, with someone I cared about
b. wild and animalistic, with someone handy
c. a carefully crafted media event to help debut my new perfume
d. as number #257and #263 in the “World’s Largest Gang-Bang 2”
e. recorded by three separate amateur astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting

12. Safe sex means:
a. condoms, foam, those little rubber things the girl sticks in
b. getting a complete blood test and medical history back to the crib
c. wearing your seatbelt during
d. making sure the knots are within reach
e. knee pads, support cables, two burly spotters, and making sure the safety is on

13. What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever experienced?
a. an honest 3 minutes, by God!
b. halftime
c. the duration of the cab drive from Camden to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and preventatives
d. the duration of the plane trip from New York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the movie
e. it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has been peaking steadily since

14. You discover that your new lover is married. What do you do?
a. end it immediately, it’s not worth the heartache
b. continue until discovery is imminent, then get the hell out
c. stay in the relationship until you have drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the whole marriage down in flames
d. leave immediately, preventing closure, then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic fashion every few years to keep things interesting
e. immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things fair

15. Oral sex is:
a. okay, I guess
b. better than anything on this earth, unless it’s football season
c. the best way to shut someone up, ever
d. the very best way to say “good morning!”
e. the only proper study of a lifetime

16. How far will you go on a first date?
a. a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date has been agreeable
b. a passionate kiss, if we really hit it off
c. oral sex, either as a promise or as the best way to get them to leave
d. an all-nighter, but only if it’s understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always say
e. I might be willing to conceive a child, but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat

17. Anal sex is:
a. dirty and nasty and specifically prohibited by God
b. okay, if you must insist, but only for a special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game, but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison your coffee
c. something to be approached with care, with someone you love and trust implicitly
d. something to be approached with bear grease
e. what you do after everything else on your body is used up

18. I think the first time you make love to a new person, you should:
a. be very certain that this is what both of you want, and then go slowly and gently
b. get good and drunk and go at it like crazed ferrets
c. be respectful and get her aroused gradually, using just the one fist
d. probably get their name, at some point
e. probably discover their gender, at some point

19. If someone ever took nude pictures of you, how would you respond?
a. with affronted dignity
b. with flattered “thank you”s
c. with wild sex and some photography of my own
d. with tips on lighting and composition
e. with legal injunctions against sale or distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially cinematic productions or webcasts

20. After sex, how long do you wait until you tell your best friend?
a. until after the relationship is over
b. until the next day, at lunch
c. until I can reach the phone without offending
d. until I can figure out which of the tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend
e. I never tell, they can damn well buy the book like everybody else

Scoring

Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every “d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself below.

20 – 39 points: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid this sex thing really isn’t for you. Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract, or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people do.

40 – 59 points: Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking, the guy that always gets sent for beer.

60 – 79 points: Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous, relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.

80 – 99 points: Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everything and go at it wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for it.

100 points: You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before you. Carefully. Or you’re a total slut, but that’s good too.