Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Movie porn, anyway. Isn't there any playful sex out there anymore?

I’ve watched a lot of porn over the years. And I knew that a sizable portion of it was crap. Which isn’t to say I hated it. A sizable portion of all media is crap (go wiki Sturgeon’s Law) and my complaints about most porn were similar to my complaints about most books, movies, and network television: boring, uninspired, insulting. But there was always some genius director or brilliant stars that would take the genre by storm and show everyone what could be done. Whenever anyone would dismiss porn I would explain to them, patiently, that there was Good Stuff there if they’d only look for it.

Lately, I’m having problems finding it myself.

Recently I went hunting for an adult DVD to share with my wife, for the first time in quite awhile. We cuddled up, enjoyed our cake — if I woke my wife up in the middle of the night for just sex, she'd hit me; the wise husband brings chocolate cake to a seduction — and settled in for some hot and heavy action.

And spent the next 20 minutes alternately laughing, fast-forwarding, or just goggling at the screen. At no point was arousal an option.

When did porn become what anti-porn activists always said it was? I had to search high and low just to find a single DVD cover that wasn’t misogynistic or abusive. I finally settled for a historical one ("Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island," or something like that) because I figured any movie that put that much money into some truly impressive sets, costuming, and cinematography had to have spent just as much time on the squishy stuff. Fond memories of “2001 Erotic Nights” and “The Canterbury Tales” accompanied me on the drive home, but they died with the very first sex scene when all the artistry of the movie just turned off so the actors could hump. Badly.

My wife pointed out the underlying problem (we had plenty of time to talk, what with all the not-being-turned-on): the scenes are so obviously shot for the benefit of the viewer, and the viewer is presumed to be pathetic. Awkward positions that allow extreme closeups, guys never ejaculating where you can't see, guys always cool and in control while gals are unstoppably sex-starved, and so very few of the performers looking as if they a) want to be there or b) want to be there with that particular partner.

Well, this viewer ain't interested.

We may be the wrong audience for porn, at least this century. More and more I find myself hovering around the "classics" section, afraid to venture out where "Butt-Pirates of the Carribean" awaits. Look, I know the big bucks are in mindless sex, the nastier the better, and that’s fine. Buy it and enjoy it. But I'd be forever grateful if anyone out there can suggest some movies that don’t actually nauseate me. I don't even need a whole movie, gimme just one good scene and I'll buy the thing.

My needs are simple, I think.

– Normal looking people who at least look like they're having fun.
– No one looking at the camera.
– No movies that describe the women as sluts, whores, or bitches, or use the words "molest" or "gang" on the cover.
– No anal, please. Nothing against the act itself, but it's not particularly aesthetically pleasing. Not a big fan of the camera-between-the-legs shots anyway, or the extreme, can’t-get-any-closer-or-she’ll-swallow-the-camera closeups. Show me the whole scene, let me remember there are people there and not just body parts.
– Woman-woman scenes that looks like they might be enjoying it. You know, with kissing and maybe even some foreplay before they whip out the 20-inch double-headed dildo or try to go up to their elbows.
– An entire movie without silicone or implants of any kind. Try it, I dare you.
– Women who don't feel obligated to stick their entire tongue out of their mouths whenever they kiss or lick anything.
– Look, if you show me a guy pulling out of a woman’s butt and moving around to her mouth, which seems to be the trend these days, you’ve lost me. Forget it, I'll turn the thing off and go watch cartoons. I mean, eww.
– Women that aren't groomed and made up to look underage.
– Guys that look like someone you might not run away from on a dark night. Or a sunny afternoon.
– Lighting that makes the actors look soft and sexy instead of plastic and poorly shaved.
– Sounds that weren't dubbed or forced.
– People grateful to get oral sex instead of standing there looking haughty and all conquerery.
– Movies that don't have the same sex acts, in the same order, every time.
– And, hardest to find of all… playfulness! I have absolutely no interest in watching people fuck who look too fake, too insensitive, too shallow, or too scary. Don't fun people do it? In front of a camera, I mean?

I admit it; I’m starting to despair. Someone out there has to be making movies that make sex look exciting and enjoyable for everyone involved, right? Someone? Anyone?

…you spend more time putting on makeup to use your computer than you do to go out
…you catch yourself, even during business meetings, looking up and smiling every 45 seconds
…you have an irresistible urge to touch yourself whenever you see the security camera at the 7-11
…you feel awkward when you're only having one conversation at a time
…you're talking to someone and you have to leave for a moment, you place a "Be Right Back" sign on your seat
…you can't shake the feeling that all computers, everywhere, are watching you, and it doesn't bother you
…during moments of passion you cry out "Refresh! Refresh!"
…you find yourself wondering if Java would improve your man's performance, or crash his system
…sex just doesn't seem right without a keyboard nearby
…after sex, you send "thank you" notes to Logitech and Creative Labs
…whenever you're talking to your boss, even if it's in person, you keep trying to bring him up in a remote window so you can be doing something fun at the same time
…you can't have sex without checking angles first and consulting a light meter
…your favorite lover is named "Bart6969@aol.com"
…you clean your bedroom you only straighten the 160º cone of space in front of your computer
…you haven't moved from your house in 45 days but you've said hello to more people than George W. Bush
…your boyfriend is suddenly paying much more attention to what his own butt looks like, just in case
…on certain strange nights you find yourself willing to consider suggestions sent to you from people you'd never be seen with in daylight
…you find out, one strange night, that the regular computer mouse is much easier to retrieve than the cordless one
…your husband develops a Pavlovian reaction every Friday night at 8:00, PST
…you've stopped shaving below the waist
…you go in for a sonogram and ask the doctor if you can arrange a simulcast
…you get caught in one of those little photo booths trying to get your ankles over your head

What can you say to a beautiful woman in a bar that will immediately convince her that you're witty, intelligent, gentle, understanding, interesting, and, above all, attractive? Hell if I know, but these are the ones I like the most.

"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"

"Bend over and receive your destiny."

"But in countless alternate realities, I’ve already slept with you, and it was the greatest experience of our lives. Can you afford to take the chance that this reality might not be the one?" – Chris Bridges

"Can I run my toes through your hair? "

"Don't eat that. Eating that can cause very large breasts. Oh my God, I'm too late!" – Val Kilmer, Real Genius

"Care to join me in a barbaric mating ritual?" Read the rest of this entry »

"It's a good thing I was born a female, or I'd have been a drag queen."
–Dolly Parton

If you ever been in a state of such utter manic boredom that you were curious about what it might be like to spend time with my wife and me, all you have to do is run right out and rent "The Birdcage". The movie with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane as a homosexual nightclub owner and his lover and star attraction. We're identical.

Not exactly, of course. Robin Williams' character (Armand Goldman) was a much better dresser than I am, and he was in better shape. But aside from a minor difference in sexual preference, watching his basic style and his deadpan, sarcastic delivery is very much like spending an evening with me. Sad, isn't it? Their home decor is even close to ours, although we have more nekkid lady artwork and way more laundry laying around. And every time Albert (played by Lane) yelps, I look at Teres. She just smiles and looks puzzled. Who, me?

It's true. She shrieks, at every caprice of fate, real and imagined. Spilled soup. Yellow traffic lights. A ringing phone. Abrupt oral sex. Flash bulbs. Getting a question right while watching "Win Ben Stein's Money". And if you combine all these, it gets worse. Read the rest of this entry »

"Hi! You made decent time."

"Told ya I'd make it. Did you order yet?"

"No, just got here. We always order the same thing anyway, not a major challenge."

"Okay, order for me."

"No problem. Here, let me look at you. Hmmmm. Chicken sizzling wor bar, won ton soup, hot tea."

"I could also use a cute brunette, if you happen to see one."

"I'll check with the cook. What's in the bag? Is it a prezzie? You'd be amazed how fast I can produce a cute brunette if there's a prezzie." Read the rest of this entry »

Many American youngsters participating in federally funded, abstinence-only programs are being taught that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teen-agers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus, and that touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy," a congressional staff analysis has found. I didn’t know half this stuff.

I favor comprehensive sex education – although I’m not sure how “comprehensive” it could be when there’s no lab work or humorous skits involved – but I could reluctantly accept abstinence-only teaching as being better than nothing. I can even see an upside to it since my children, being better-informed, will have clear advantages over lesser-trained teens when it comes to putting the moves and layin’ down the velvet hammer. Read the rest of this entry »

Tired of your friends bragging about the all-night strip poker game? Frustrated at all the fun adult games in novelty stores or porn shops, games with names like "Around the World in Bed" or "Between the Sheets" or "Shutes and Garters" or something? The ones with blurry-yet-sensual pictures of an impossibly handsome man and a centerfold woman playing a board game in front of a fireplace?

Or you've seen dice that always seem to be bright pink, with words on them instead of numbers (one die has verbs, the other invariably lists body parts). And you've thought to yourself, "Wow, you can really have a lot of sexy fun when you have a playful lover. Now, if only I had a goddamn lover!"

Hey, hey, imaginary person! You don't need anyone else to have fun, unless you're trying to seesaw. Any game ever designed or twisted for adult purposes can also be used for some solitary pleasure. And why not? Why should you limit yourself to quick, furtive wanking when you can enjoy the same sorts of playful, competitive, gonna-end-in-sex fun as anybody else?

I don't mean just playing naked Solitaire. That's pathetic and boring, especially after the first twenty-five times. No, you want something lively and sensual, something designed to tantalize and arouse so as to bring about greater and more powerful sexual satisfaction. Sex games are also a good way to ease yourself past your own shyness. Maybe you're not sure if you want to take the relationship you have with yourself to the next level. Maybe you're uncomfortable with your body, and you're not sure if you're ready to let yourself see it. Sex games are a great way to break the ice and get yourself into a relaxed, excited mood, especially when used in conjunction with vodka. So give it a try! Here's some examples.

Jack Poker – Like the strip variant, only with a few less people. You can play it the old fashioned way, by dealing out two or more hands and playing them all in turn, losing bits of clothing as each hand loses, but it gets complicated trying to hurriedly dress and strip again as you change hands. Positions. You know what I mean. Much easier to go online and find a virtual poker game to play against (Yahoo has one). Play against the computer and bid as directed, but lose articles of clothing every time you lose a hand. Naughty, isn't it? Can you feel the excitement building as you unbutton your shirt? Do you find yourself hunching to conceal a raging erection from yourself? Damn, this is hot!

Twisted – Naked Wesson Oil Twister is tricky to play by yourself, but don't give up. Keep the spinner near whichever hand isn't currently load-bearing. Then just spin the spinner and call the shots! The oil gives your body a slick and sexy feel, and playing in front of a mirror allows you to catch surreptitious glances of parts of your anatomy you don't ordinarily get to see, such as your own perineum. But the real fun of playing Twister is the close contact. You’ll never know if you're going to direct yourself to move your hand or your leg in such a way as to come into contact with yourself. Will you get offended? Will you get aroused? Will you get lucky? Get Twister!

Truth or Dare - Now we're talking! Get in your pajamas, make some s'mores, huddle up on the bed and play. Each turn you have to either answer your own question, no matter how personal or embarrassing, or you can choose an intimate task for yourself to perform. Hours of fun, and you'll be much closer to yourself afterwards. Feel the heat rise as you wait breathlessly to hear what erotic task awaits!

Role-playing - It can get boring doing it the same way, time after time. Hop into bed or slink into the bathroom and do what needs doing. Where's the excitement in that? Liven it up by trying different costumes, be different people. Every sex guide, even the respectable ones, suggests role-playing as a way to spice up your sex life, so give it a try! You can dress up and be a masturbating priest, a pirate, a president! Whack off the way Humphrey Bogart would, or Madonna, or the Secretary General of the United Nations. Pretend you're a babysitter pleasuring herself, or Cleopatra after an unsatisfying date with Marc Antony.

Please note I am not referring to the Dungeons & Dragons type of role-playing. I'm sorry, but figuring out your masturbating experience on graph paper and rolling for encumbrance would just be pathetic.

Sensations - Masturbation is a powerful erotic experience, but it tends to lack surprise and spontaneity. You can bring the sparks back into your love life by bringing back the element of uncertainty. Next time you're sitting there watching the game, sneak up and grab yourself without warning. Surprise yourself in the bath, or pounce on your unsuspecting body in the car wash. Blindfold yourself and feed yourself different types of food – you'll get lost in the rapturous sensation of helplessness and trust, and the delighted surprise and sensuality of never knowing what you'll tantalize yourself with next. Avoid hot soup.

There's lots of others, just take any game you enjoy and assign smutty penalties, rewards and prizes. Monopoly (long, but worthwhile), Hide and Seek (thrilling and adventurous), even Checkers can be a wildly arousing activity when you know you'll have yourself naked and wet at the end of it. Try it! Liven up your sex life with a little playfulness, and I promise you'll be amazed at the reaction you get. Especially if your roommate walks in to find you playing naked Wesson Oil Twister by yourself.

Are you famous? Can we watch you have sex?

It's all the rage these days. Celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Vince Neil have all seen their careers skyrocket after the public got a gander of their sexy shenanigans. Well, maybe not Vince Neil.

Within minutes of the word getting out people all over the world, even people who don't like these celebrities, were beating their computers with sticks to make them download faster. And this frenzied attention translated to increased public awareness, more job offers (some of them even legitimate) and good times for celebrity stalkers who no longer had to fantasize quite as hard.

But it's not as easy as just throwing a tape in the camera and greasing up. For the maximum media penetration your porn debut must be carefully orchestrated so that a) you can get the publicity while still keeping your reputation safe, and b) everyone in the world gets to see your wobbly bits at least twice. You can only do this kind of thing once before it becomes your career, so do it carefully. Here's some tips. Read the rest of this entry »

Playboy's 50th anniversary issue will hit the stands on December 2nd and I want to get my prediction out for the 50th Anniversary Playmate before any hints get released. I've been studying "The Great 50th Anniversary Playmate Hunt" pictorial in the December issue for weeks now, stopping only occasionally for food and vitamin supplements, and I think I got her.

I’m choosing Jennifer Pankratz, the cheerleading class president, page 90, left. I have no advance knowledge or insider information for this, it's just my guess and I could easily be wrong. There are many extraordinarily beautiful women there to choose from, and while one or two of them might get kicked out of bed I predict there'd be a hell of a scramble on the floor.

But I feel she most completely represents the Playboy ideal in several respects: she's gorgeous, she's blonde, she possesses that magical "wholesome yet sexy" look that Playboy has become justifiably famous for, and like the other girls she's been Photoshopped to the point where her own mother couldn't pick her out of a lineup.

Read the rest of this entry »

Last night I woke up from a long and detailed dream about Asia Carrera. We were shopping.

Honest. I don't remember exactly why she was shooting a nighttime scene in the woods near where I live but I happened to drive by, recognize her, and convince her I wasn't a freak (or at least that I wasn't a strange freak). The fact that anyone shooting a porn movie anywhere near where I live is about as likely as the Winter Olympics picking the local 7-11 as their 2008 location was besides the point, obviously. After she threatened to call the police I managed to remind her that we'd met before – "Oh, you're that guy!" – and we talked. Turned out she was staying in the area another day and was somewhat disappointed in the accommodations. I, of course, offered my house.

In your average porn-star-related dream this would be when the thumpa-thumpa music started and we got horizontal, then vertical, then horizontal again. Instead my dream-self took her home and let her get a long hot shower while my wife and I ran around the house frantically cleaning up. Read the rest of this entry »