Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Kiss her. A lot.

Not while she's eating hot soup, though.

You can never go wrong by helping her with chores, unless you screw it up, in which case you might as well just stay on the couch and supervise.

Breasts are like rabbits. They're soft and love to be touched, but they'll run away if you just grab at them. Also, they spread disease.

Nothing impresses your lady more than when you brag about her to your friends. It's probably not a good idea to call them and brag while you're actually having sex, though.

Never masturbate over anything that isn't machine washable.

Chicks dig gifts. Check around and see if your previous dates left any jewelry or underwear you can wrap.

The first date is when she finds out all about you. This should happen slowly, over the course of a dinner or an evening of dancing, so you should plan on wearing pants, at least initially.

Bedtime nicknames should be playful and sexy. Avoid nicknames like "Whore," "Sergeant, yes Sergeant," "Deathhole," and "Slant-eyed bitch."

Stroke her like you're trying to rub a smudge off of a mint copy of "The Incredible Hulk" #181 (1st appearance of Wolverine) with your finger without damaging its CGC rating and resale value.

Avoid praising the bodies of your lover's friends, especially if you're boning her at the time.

Don't be afraid to show her how much she means to you. When you get up to leave, drop a $20 on the pillow so she can buy herself something nice.

Don't worry if you can't get it up. It happens to every guy eventually, and it's natural. Fag.

If you place your ear right up against her vulva, you can hear the ocean.

If you place her ear right against her vulva, you can hear a cracking noise.

Many women have uncomfortable relationships with their sisters. These can be due to jealousy, or distance, or traumatic events that are still painful to consider. Take the first step in helping her mend her familial bonds by opening your bed to her sister.

This works with estranged mothers, too, if they're hot.

If you break up with her and she takes it hard, date only men for a few months so she won't think less of herself as a woman.

Nipples can be very sensitive. Never do anything to them that you couldn't do to a cellphone.

Women hate it when you stop lovemaking to watch a passing play, no matter how beautifully the quarterback threw the ball, so it's perfectly all right and even considerate to use family funds to buy TiVo.

Never get "playful" with anything that you don't know for a fact you can safely retrieve, especially if it's your car keys and you don't have copies.

If porn has taught us anything it's that all women love giving head for hours. Tell her if she doesn't it's because she's a lez.

Thanks to the constant stream of beauty-conscious attitude that bathes our media, most women, no matter how beautiful, are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Respect her self-esteem by hiding the video camera where she won't notice it.

Going down on a woman is fun, but it can take days to finish and puts a major crick in your neck. But if you sneak an electric toothbrush down there with you, you can be out of there in five minutes.

Pubic hair can be a sore spot with some women, and you may not be able to find the right way to bring up the subject of thickets and the benefits of landscaping. Just wait until she's asleep and trim her up any way you want.

When going at it doggie-style, never face towards the TV. It's rude, disrespectful, and insulting. Instead, just point her towards a mirror that's facing the TV.

When I picked her up at the mall, she was all smiles and plastic bags. She flopped into the passenger side, gave me a quick kiss, then tore through her new stuff like a kitten through wrapping paper to produce… a game.

I was back on the road by this point, so I couldn't really look at it. All I saw was the cover: "Who Would You Do?"

"Wanna find out?" she asked with a wicked grin.

The box contained two booklets – one for girls, one for guys. There were also instructions on how to play the game, which involved a spinner wheel and everyone taking turns with questions and everyone else guessing if the player was lying or not and a bunch of other stuff we had no interest in. Instead we did what we always do with games like this, which was to just go through all the questions.

She started. "Okay, let's see. Catherine Zeta-Jones or Jennifer Lopez?"

"Easy. Catherine Zeta-Jones."

"Michelle Pfeiffer or Kim Basinger? Ewww."

"Um, Michelle Pfieffer. Better Batman character."

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I would like to take a moment and use this column to talk about a problem that affects every man alive today, especially the drunken ones: impotence.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Brewer's droop. The sleeping bishop. The dead soldier. The under inflated zipper zeppelin. Involuntary abstinence. Down for the count. Soft-on. A flat tire. Failure to stand in the presence of a lady. Shooting pool with a rope. Sleeping on the job. The early worm. The Little Engine That Couldn't.

It happens to almost everyone: guys who work too hard, gain too much weight, smoke too much, drink too much, worry too much, party too hard, stay up too late, try too many times, just plain aren't interested, or for no goddamn reason at all. It can even happen because you're worried it'll happen. In fact, there's only one class of men that never experience this helpless feeling.

Guys in erotica. Read the rest of this entry »

"Hello, and welcome to The Proud Humorsexual! This month we're looking at sex toys. Sensual, embarrassing, erotic, illegal, gifts from a benevolent god, whatever you think of them, what we used to call "marital aids" are hotter than ever. Far from the modest selection of rubber penii and "facial massagers" that one once found advertised in the back of sleazy magazines, sex toys these days are a thriving and innovative business. Style and creativity have, at long last, been brought to the table. Now sex toys are ergodynamic, pleasant to look at, and remarkably effective in bringing their users to climax again and again. But what of the inventions and designs that didn't make it? We're here with Homer Connors, president of one of the largest sex toy companies in America, Tallywhackers, Inc."

"Glad to be here."

"Mr. Connors, how often is a new sex toy design devised?"

"Well, Chris, we're always on the lookout for new designs, better toys. CyberSkin allows us to make hyper-realistic dildos. The use of silicone has resulted in sexual aids you can leave out as art! It's an amazing time."

"But what of the ideas that don't fly? Does that happen often?"

"Oh, sure. Not every idea is a winner, obviously."

"Could we see a few?"

"Um, yeah, I guess. Remember, these were never developed or marketed, these are just the preliminary designs."

"Understood."

"Sometimes we get toy suggestions that look great, but are impractical, such as these."

"And these are?"

"Benwa spikes. Gorgeous, aren’t they?"

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May is National Masturbation Month – although I wouldn't look for President Bush to act as Grand Marshall at the parade any time soon – and many of you have questions concerning this time-honored activity.

Q: How old is masturbation?

A: Anthropologists have kept it under wraps, but the fossilized remains of the 3.5 million year old young girl found in Hadar, Ethiopia and nicknamed "Lucy" clearly show that she died because she was too distracted by an amazingly shaped 12" gourd to notice the falling tree. Masturbation actually predates the opposable thumb, and may in fact have inspired it so as to better grasp the situation.

Q: Is it harmful to masturbate?

A: Despite the warnings given by religious leaders, worried parents and the guy who invented graham crackers, masturbation is only harmful in the following situations:
1. If you begin to blister.
2. If you put someone's eye out.
3. If you are standing on the edge of a precipice.
4. If it blocks you from reaching the autopilot.
5. If you use harmful accessories, such as cacti, explosives, Ben Gay, or live bees.

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The messier it is the more fun it is.

Explore everywhere; you never know what you might find.

Share.

Most things in the world will fit in your mouth, which has its good and its bad points.

Sometimes it's the strangest-looking kid that has the best ideas

Don't take off your clothes unless someone asks you to, or you'll get yelled at.

Put things back when you're done with them, and zip carefully.

Sometimes the best part is the nap afterwards.

Just because one of the other boys has a toy that's bigger and shinier than yours doesn't mean that yours isn't good too, unless it's broken or something.

Some things are more fun in groups.

The boy or girl who wants to be your friend only when you have candy or toys or stock options isn't the one you want.

Wash your hands first.

You have to be careful with hamsters, they break easy.

If your clothes aren't muddy or wet or ripped or covered in paint or all four, you're not done yet.

You can't always do what the people on the television can do, but it's okay, they're not really real, especially that John Holmes guy. Whouf.

Make-believe is an important thing to know, whether you're being a fireman or an astronaut or a naughty maid.

Barbie might be an anti-feminist symbol of repression and rampant consumerism, but her head pops right off so how tough can she be?

Look around, there are always things to play with. You can never be bored when you have enough sofa cushions.

There's always at least one kid who doesn't want to play, but likes watching everyone else play. They're creepy, but they're all right.

No matter how strange, dangerous, or twisted a thing you can think up, you can always find someone that will try it.

It can take a long time to learn your lover's rhythms. Each person has their own inner beat, and nowhere (except for television channel changing) is it trickier to synchronize your tastes than in bed. Have you ever zigged when you should have zagged? Has your lover ever zagged when they were supposed to zig, even after you made puppy noises when they almost zigged, and any halfway sensitive person would have noticed that and damn well zigged 'til they were blue, but no, your lover had to go and zag like a selfish bastard and throw you completely out of the moment and the whole time your lover was looking at you like you weren't pissed off, right, and yelping at you like an idiot, "Say my name! Say my name!"

Well, we've all been there.

Establishing a rhythm during lovemaking can be tricky, especially for those of us who sing only in the shower or more than 300 yards away from other people, by court order. You can try putting really loud clocks in the bedroom, or even a metronome on the headboard as a cool decoration and valuable pace-setting tool (use 100-120 bpm in 2/4 time for a lively evening, only moving up to 160-172 bpm if you have a durable partner and a strong heart). You could even use dance rhythms to keep your focus, although if your partner overhears you muttering "One, two, three, one, two, three," under your breath over and over you soon may be dancing alone. But these methods, while dependable, leave you with a steady, boring beat that will bring your partner to ecstasy only by perseverance and long-lasting batteries. Much better to use music.

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You've seen the offers in your e-mail! You've gotten the piles of junk mail at your front door! You've seen the amazing offers televised as late night "local programming"! But now, for a limited time only, thanks to this website, you can get all these insider secrets for absolutely free! Jealously-guarded tips from the world's greatest lovers, previously available only through mail-order books and court transcripts, are yours for the taking! You'll never need to read your spam again. Or any of your e-mail, just delete it all, because we've covered everything!

How to Get Any Woman You Want

It's just so easy! All you have to do is to work out, plan your finances carefully, and take sensitivity courses until you become a nice, hot-looking rich guy. What could be easier? Other suggestions:

- Carry Godiva chocolates with you at all times.
- Pay them.
- Tell them that by dating you they can drive their mother crazy.
- Keep a "lover's kit" in your car: romantic card, sensual (but not tacky) lingerie, silk flowers, burlap sack, ether.
- Get a fatal but non-catching disease, and contact the Make-A-Wish foundation.

You'll be rolling in women in no time!

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You walk into a bookstore and select a book. Hold it up, look at it, see if you can get an idea of its likely contents. It's thin, it has a lurid, brightly-colored cover depicting a photograph of an extremely sexy, barely dressed human being. It's part of a series, with an obvious pseudonym for an author and a sensationalistic summary on the back written at a third grade level and designed to appeal directly to the prurient interest of the reader.

So. Is it romance or porn? Check the list below to find out.

ROMANCE

The title will be something like Love's Sweet Torture, or The Accidental Bride, or Untamed.

PORN

The title will be something like Hot Teen Housewife, or Wild Austin Nights, or Untamed.

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(a sample poly marriage ceremony)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of this company to join together Jackie, Kathryn, Emil, Eric, and Steve in the holy bonds of matrimony.

This ceremony represents their desire to publicly proclaim their love for one another, and their devotion to a relationship that is far beyond that of friend, companion, or even lover. They wish to marry, in the eyes of their family and friends, in the eyes of God, Gaia, the Buddha-nature in all of us, and the absolute absence of any higher power, respectively. Theirs is not a shallow love, but a love tested by time and hardships until it is tempered and true and able to withstand all trials, except for Eric who just moved in last month.

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