Posts Tagged ‘sex’

The sounds of the band. The thrill in the air. The joy of discovery. The excitement of the chase. The challenge of the seduction. The explosion of sexual bliss. The peaceful slumber. And now… the furtive escape.

In any lasting six hour relationship, there comes a time when you wake next to your new lover and you have to make the call: should I stay, or should I save myself? Often this depends on the qualities of your new-found lifemate, as seen through newly sober eyes and better lighting. Is she every bit as beautiful as you thought she was in the club? Is he just as dashing and dangerously handsome as he was when he came to tow your car? Is her hygiene exactly as you surmised? Now is the time, while your new honey is sleeping, for you to take a few moments and accurately rate them on their appearance, cleanliness, remembered motor skills, and whether or not you'd be willing to admit to what you just did in front of family and friends.

Right. You need to get out of there.

Read the rest of this entry »

or, How to Lead a Swinging Lifestyle Without Having to Involve Yourself with All Those Other People

So you and your plucky mate have been tossing around the "swingers" idea again, have you? Been looking fondly at passers-by? Letting the flirting at work creep up to the next level (the one just below "actionable")? Or perhaps you've just been enjoying the same meal, metaphorically speaking, for so long that it's becoming predictable, unappetizing and easy to skip? When your lover become less of a banquet and more like greasy leftovers, it's time to change something.

But sneaking around just isn't fair, as well as being a pain to negotiate, and it's getting harder and harder to get away with besides. It used to be that you just had to watch for lipstick stains, odd-colored strands of hair, bodily marks that weren't there before your "business trip", and the occasional accidental public meeting and subsequent judicial decision, but now, what with current technology bounding along, it's entirely possible that the coat you got for Christmas contains a hidden GPS homing beacon and your spouse is tracking you on the Internet. Couples can make a go of the open marriage thing as long they both have some action on the side so the cheating achieves parity, but scheduling becomes a major undertaking, especially if you only have the one car.

At some point in your sensual career the idea will come up of safely introducing another player into your previously closed set, and now we're really getting into problems. Whom to choose? Another man, or a woman? Or another couple? How do you go about finding them? Ask a friend? Advertise? Should you swap partners, or just go at it concurrently, as it were? Should everyone be in the same room? What if (I/my lover) like(s) him/her/them better than (my lover/me)? What if the other people like really weird stuff? What if they think we're perverts? What if they're from Vice? What if they're secretly recording us for blackmail, or to sell online? What if word gets out? What if we're not any good? What if the kids walk in? Oh dear god, what about diseases?

I'm not saying that all these problems will arise (they will), or that they can't be overcome if they do, but there are actually many ways to pump up your sex life with that swinging thrill without having to clean up the living room, and I don't mean just dressing the wife up as a tart.

Dressing the Wife Up As a Tart

It is a place to begin, however. Just because you're committed to one person doesn't mean you have to keep sleeping with the same one over and over, does it? It's said that every person contains multitudes of personalities, so why not date a few of them? They're certainly easier to find, for one thing, and a dating service shouldn't be required unless the multiple personality thing is really severe. Dressing up in costumes is one way to go about it, although there does need to be some role-playing involved. Only an enema bag full of ice water could be more chilling than hearing, "Right, so I'm a nun. Let's get this over with so I can get some sleep, this thing is itchier than a burlap thong."

Pretending to be other people can be a harmless way of siphoning off some of that urge-to-swing pressure, and you're virtually guaranteed to discover something about your bedmate that you never suspected before, even if it's only of the "He should be prohibited by law from ever wearing tights again" variety. You can even take it out in public, arranging to meet each other in bars and such, although it would probably be a good idea to agree on matching costumes beforehand. Unless of course you get really turned on by the thought of, say, Martin Luthor picking up Cinderella in a sports pub and taking her in a back alley for a quickie. Come to think of it, that doesn't sound too bad…

Lovers by Proxy (or Sex by Mail)

You don't necessarily need a new person in the room, you just need some new viewpoints. Try a few of these handy tips:
• Pop in a porn tape, turn the volume up and turn the set towards the wall. Now you can pretend you've been invited to a massive orgy and the two of you just ducked into a side room.
• Pick a famous couple and act out what you think their sex life must be like. No fair picking anyone from the Royal Family or a Kennedy, they're too well documented. Or you could pick two famous people that you think really should have sex (here I'm thinking, as I'm sure you are, of Angelina Jolie and Foghorn Leghorn). Alternately you can pick your own friends or acquaintances and act out what you think their sex life is like. Make sure you don't get too interested in her masterful rendition of Miss Jenkins from Accounting, however. Anything you say can and will be used against you later on, so you should definitely avoid such exclamations as, "Oh, Margaret, this is exactly how I imagined it!" or "I thought you'd be thinner."
• Pick up some good smut and act out the sex scenes. Simple test for good smut books – pick it up and open it three times at random. If you hit a sex scene twice, buy it. Fortunately this works in almost any book published since 1972 that doesn't actually involve Harry Potter.
• Play the stock market. Not the boring way, with money and everything, but in bed. Take an assortment of stocks, write them out and assign a different sex act to each one. At the close of trading each day, check the returns and map out your evening playtime from the results. This also gives you the extra anticipation from watching the stock market throughout the day. "C'mon, Amalgamated! Two more points and it's titty city! Go baby, go! I need this bad!" Don't worry about your co-workers talking about you – all investors talk like this.

Bringing In a Whole Other Person

If you're really having difficulties changing your perspective, you can get some outside help without compromising your fidelity or having to share your towels.
• Invite a friend to provide choreography. Whether by e-mail, pre-written suggestion, or even a whispered comment before you leave work, your friend can provide a game plan that you might not have considered. Even a passed note at lunch that says "Apply lubricant with a whitewash brush and bucket" can add a new depth to your evening activities. You could even trade notes every day, get a sort of one-upmanship competition thing going. "Okay, I did him in the rectory like you said, now tonight you have to let him strap you to the ice cream truck." Bringing it up with your friend in the first place is your problem.
• If you need on-the-spot advice, dial up a phone sex number and let her (or them) talk you both through. Think of it like calling up a sexual hotline, where operators are lying by. You can call a friend for the same purpose but by that point you may not be capable of explaining yourself and people tend to hang up on late night breathers. Call a pro.
• Get online and join a chat room, then let everyone decide by consensus what should happen next. Spend some time investigating chat rooms before you do this – you don't want to discover that your sex life is being directed by a group of 11-year-old quilting enthusiasts.
• If you're bold enough, you can invite a friend over to call out suggestions from the next room. It can be an incredible rush knowing someone else is so intimately involved with what you're doing, it's oddly relaxing not having to decide what to do, and extremely thrilling wondering what your friend will think up next. To get past the inevitable embarrassment, a glass or two of wine for everyone can be invaluable. You might even let them bring a date, in case they feel more comfortable that way. Or you can invite a small group of friends over to get a more varied collection of suggestions. Yes, I think that would be the best way. A roomful of your buddies, roaring drunk, screaming sexual advice at your bedroom door. What could be more romantic?
• You can involve friends and still remain private. Invite a trusted friend to videotape you and your lover at play, but blindfold them to maintain decorum. They can follow the noises for the most part. If focus is really a problem or if you tend to move around a lot, have them creep slowly up until their toes touch flesh, then stop and just aim the camera down. Or you can work out a modified version of the water game "Marco Polo".
• Wouldn't it be nice to visit Mom? Just stop by as a surprise, maybe bring some dinner. She'll be so pleased she won't even notice the two of you taking so long to visit the bathroom and you'll be able to relive some of the teenage excitement you haven't really experienced since you moved out and finally lost your paranoid habit of listening for slippers coming down the hall.

There are many possible ways of improving your sex life and still keeping it in the family. Sleeping with someone else just because your current sex life is boring is like giving up on your favorite team during a losing streak. Just like with your team, try encouragement and different plays for a few seasons before you trade them for someone younger with faster hands.

Tired of your worn-out playthings? Is your vibrator last year's model? Does your leather harness lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

Well, I'm here to tell you all about the wonderful new line of sex toys by the friendly folks at Muff Diverse, Inc., the latest and greatest of the marital aid marketeers. Gather 'round, ye children, and let me show such wonders as you have probably never seen!

Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun to Be With

Everyone should have a vibrator to call their own. Vibrators are ideal for face massage, soothing tired muscles in your instep, and… what was that other thing again? Oh, right, screaming orgasms. But you've had the plain jane model, you've got a drawerfull of the multi-color monstrosities in your bedstand, and your Magic Wand has lost its "new toy" smell. And they're all so damn difficult to keep in the right place! As soon as you get one positioned and you start wiggling, it slips right off the mark and you have to start over again! Well, now, just wrap yourself around one of our new Humpin' HogsTM! Battery-operated, variable speed, and best of all — handlebars! Rev up on this bad boy! The controls are in the grips as shown — once you're seated you just pull back and ride! Folds up for easy storage, horn optional. If you prefer the real magilla, we also sell rubber attachments to slip over your own motorcycle's oil cap. Start your engines! Motorcycle not included. Read the rest of this entry »

Ever been picked up by the fuzz?

Sorry, old joke. How's your anterior grooming? Nicely trimmed? Buzz cut? Comb-over?

It's a serious question, or at least as serious a question as you're likely to find here. Do you pay any attention to your crotch coif? Would you be ready if your pubic become public?

It is a sad fact that people, especially men, generally don't pay a lot of attention to their nether dos. Maybe you tried shaving it once and then you went nuts scratching yourself for a week while it grew back, maybe you let a lover trim before diving in, but otherwise you just let it grow wild. I say for shame.

Let's dispense with the negatives right off: Shaving hurts. The guys in the locker room will avoid me. I break out easily. I keep cutting myself. It's too high-maintenance. I feel like an idiot. She'll think I'm a fruit. He'll think I'm a slut. My gynecologist will think I'm coming on to him. Why should I bother?

Well, you don't have to shave completely bare to be neat. In fact, if I were to judge solely by the results I see in most porn movies and amateur websites, you probably shouldn't. It does you no good to shave yourself smooth if all we're going to see is lots of pimples. Please, let's use some common sense here. Moisturizers and skin care emollients are your friends.

But you can certainly trim yourself (or have yourself trimmed). Experiment with different styles. Leave that little Mohawk stripe that Playboy models seem to favor. Leave it everywhere but trim it back to quarter-inch length for that freshly-mown look. Leave the stuff on your abdomen alone and just shave the areas around your goodies, or vice versa. Grow it long and braid it, stick some beads on there. Or shave it all off and have pubic hair tattooed on. Anything!

And just look at all the advantages of keeping your fur controlled:

• Your lover is less likely to be frightened the first time you disrobe by what appears to be some sort of wildlife in your shorts. Quick-witted lovers may grab a bludgeoning weapon, and you might not be fast enough with the defense.
• Lubricant gets to you faster if it doesn't have to work through the forest first.
• Add inches to your sex life! Gentlemen, pay attention: there's a reason male porn stars shave their hair — Image is Everything. Depending on how hirsute you are, whittling your hair down to the skin can add an inch or two of visible penis. It's like getting an extension without any of those harmful creams or block-and-tackle devices.
• It's easier to find dropped peanuts when you're snacking.
• Handing your loved one a pair of small, sharp scissors with a wicked grin and then lying back and opening your legs is a hell of a way to start an evening. Have a warm, wet washcloth, a towel, and some chocolate syrup nearby.
• You can hand out locks of your hair to treasured friends or Jehovah's Witnesses.
• You can do cool little designs. A heart is obvious, and an arrow, but how about a celtic design? Maybe some of those funky designs people are getting tattooed these days. The word "Hi!". A pair of horns, or a Mucha art-deco design? A barcode? A varsity letter? A happy face? An exclamation mark! A daisy! You could even shape a little vagina, just to confuse nearsighted rapists! A lightning bolt! Landscape yourself, carve a little maze and force lovers to solve it to get to the prize. Make a little Pokémon, the kids'll love it. Do whatever you want, it'll grow back and you can do it again.
• Lice and crabs will be out in the open and easier to hunt down.
• It won't be as easy for a drunken partner to pass out and suffocate, which is always a concern.
• Your lover might be more inclined to treat your delicates with care if it's obvious that you care about 'em. Be sure to make them replace their divots.
• If your lawn guy is cute, you can get him to trim you every weekend. Don't let him use the whacker.
• Unshorn locks might snarl and trap a date's fingers, and that can kill a blossoming relationship. It's also a serious pain for all involved when your hair gets ensnarled in his class ring or her twist-band watch. Streamlined pubes help hands to slide easily: great for cramped foreign cars and theater back rows.
• You're not as likely to commit one of the worst things a person can do to him or herself — catching your curls in your zipper. Or somebody else's zipper. Also spiral notebooks won't nip you as badly. I hate that.
• It can remove some of the uncertainty for beginners who aren't quite sure where to start looking.
• It can help you feel "clean and fresh," just like the women on the hygiene commercials, with their white gym outfits and horseback riding demonstrations.
So remember your fluff, and treat it well. Someday, when the bank robber forces all of you to strip and stand still, you'll be able to stand proud and free. And a bit cooler.

As we enter a new era, full of the promise of better lives for all registered Republicans, we approach a slight bobble in the road: our new president seems equally interested in improving education for all and in stomping on birth control alternatives, which leads to a bit of confusion amongst health educators. What do they tell the kids? Do they mention it at all, and risk censure and loss of federal funds? True, such a sanction has not been passed, but the topic of "abstinence only" based sex ed has been coming up again and again and it takes a brave person indeed to chance being the test case.

Fortunately I'm stepping up, ready and willing.

I would like to present my own series of animated musical shorts that help teach kids the important facts about reproduction and relationships while at the same time remaining harmless cartoony shows. I haven't hammered out all the details yet, but here's the first one. Please let us know what you think.

A couple of kids, ages indeterminate but they're horribly cute, wander into their big sister's room.

Boy: Woof! Sis sure had a tough lock on her door. Now we can dig through her lingerie drawers. But I wonder who that sad little blue tablet is?

We pan up to see a small round compact-sized box, open, with a darling little animated pill sitting on the edge. He is wearing a forlorn expression, and he begins, as all animated drugs must, to sing.

"I'm just a pill.
Yes, I'm only a pill.
And I'm sitting here on this window sill.
Well, now your sister's s'posed to take me
When she gets out of bed.
So there's no repercussions
When she has sex with Fred.
But if she takes me she won't be a mom
At least I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill."

Boy: Gee, Pill, you certainly take your job seriously.

Bill: Well I have to. I can't do anything about preventing disease, but I can help keep her from getting knocked up. When I started, I wasn't even a pill, I was a bunch of herbs that women ate or stuffed or smoked to keep from getting saddled with a youngun. Some folks back home decided they wanted something more dependable, so they called their local biochemist and he said, "You're right, there oughta be a pill." Then he and his partners sat down and figured me out and introduced me to women everywhere. And I became a pill, and I'll remain a pill until your sister takes me.

"I'm just a pill
Yes I'm only a pill,
And she doesn't need the medical bill.
Well, now I'm stuck here unswallowed
And she's out on a date
Where she'll get good and hammered and she'll fornicate
And she can do it if she takes me soon
How I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill."

Girl: But what if she doesn't take you? Doesn't she have any other ways to stop babies?

Pill: No, I'm one of the lucky ones. Condoms are too awkward and mood-breaking, diaphragms are worse, and teachers and clinics are afraid to discuss abortions because they might lose funding. If it gets worse I might disappear.

Boy: Disappear?

Pill: Yeah, disappear in the return of "morality" and "wholesomeness".

Boy: Then what happens?

Pill: Then women lose control of their reproductive cycles again and they'll have even more abortions..

Girl: Oh no!

Pill: Oh yes!

"I'm just a pill
Yes, I'm only a pill
And if she can't use me to prevent God's Will
Well, then she'll have to think of something else
She'll have to use tricks
Like a back-room abortion
Or RU-486
But if she takes me she won't be a mom
How I hope and pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill."

Boy: You mean the government might try to tell her that she can't control her own body?

Pill: Yes, that's called being pro-life. She can still use rhythm methods, jumping up and down a lot, and prayer.

Girl: But that means she has to rely on luck or iron will power. It's easy to become a mom, isn't it?

Pill: Yes!

"But how I hope and I pray that she will,
But today I am still just a pill."

A young woman runs into the bedroom, glares at the kids, and flops onto the bed.

Sis: No problem, Pill! I blew him!

Pill: Oh yes!!!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

This is only the beginning of our new Whorehouse Rock series. Check back for the next ones, "Erectile Dysfunction, What's Your Function?" and "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Tampons Here!".

• my constant companion
• a convenient handle to get me out of bed in the morning
• the tie-breaking vote when my brain and my heart just can't decide on the next dating move
• occasionally cute and cuddly, especially right after
• an excellent source of flexible dry heat, very good for chest colds
• friends to more people than I am, somehow
• a handy impromptu washcloth hook
• a magic toy that doesn't need batteries or nuthin
• a fun way to flip M&M's to my mouth when I'm in bed and bored
• capable of cracking walnuts after a few weeks of forced inactivity
• an impressive-sounding 152400 microns
• known to curl up and flee within my body at the first sign of danger, such as angry bikers or really cold pools
• just like my very best friend — shows up when I don't want him to, doesn't show up when I do want him to, and seems to like really strange women
• an obvious target for hurled onion rings
• just the right size to wear G.I. Joe's helmet
• the bane of my wife's 3 a.m. existence
• a sturdy book prop for reading in the tub
• entirely the wrong thing to present in court as a surprise witness. Who knew?
• useful for keeping my front pockets apart
• always there for me
• gifted with the ability to change my mood, attitude, and intelligence level with just a twitch
• gradually being trained to respond to simple voice commands, such as, "are you awake?" and, "thanks for going shopping with me, now what do you want to do?”
• the exact color of latte, with cream
• a manly 1.524e+09 angstroms
• completely confused by y-front shorts
• entirely capable of meeting, wooing, and seducing a woman before my brain realizes what's going on and why we're all headed to the parking lot
• well-trained and respondent to my touch, like a show dog
• ultimately in charge of the TV remote
• perfect for scooping out the lint trap
• the outward manifestation of my testosterone-laced, whipcord-muscled, utter machismo-drenched manhood, out in the open for all to see and admire
• not at all the thing that those kids at the bus stop were expecting
• better when shared, just like love and french fries.

The purpose of this visit is to determine the quality of customer service at Jackie's Pleasure Pit. Please follow all instructions carefully. Do not let the hostess, manager or whore know that you are a Mystery Shopper.

Go to Jackie's Pleasure Pit on an evening during the week, sometime between 6/18/01 – 6/22/01. Wear casual clothes and a wedding ring. Bring along $100 (you will be reinbursed for this, as well as for your travel expenses and medical attention, if any).

Knock on the back door of the address provided (see attachment) and, when the hostess opens the door, say "Ashcroft sent me". You will be escorted inside. The hostess should offer the special of the evening, and then bring forth the available ladies. Select one and accompany her to her room. Use the bathroom first, and check for cleanliness. Once you are in her room, engage in oral sex and then intercourse. Afterwards, tip your whore and then leave. Be certain to log your times and expenses, and then fill out the form below.

—————————————

What day/time did you attend?

Did the hostess greet you with a smile and appreciative leer?

Were you mugged at this point?

Read the rest of this entry »

I have, of late, become very aware of my son.

Not that I've been stalking him, or keeping surveillance measures going from a hidden room in the basement or anything. Not yet. But he is 13 years old now, just starting to get a fuzzy lip and develop that peculiar sore-throat voice of burgeoning masculinity.

I am also extremely aware of exactly what his mother and I were doing to each other with gleeful enthusiasm every chance we got, when we were dating in high school. We met when we were both 15.

If this sort of habit breeds true, there is clearly a time limit here.

Read the rest of this entry »

Do you have any idea, any idea at all just how sick and twisted the people around you really are?

You do? Seriously?

Good, you'll ace the quiz. Each of the terms below is an actual clinical term that describes a specific sexual kink, preference or action. All you have to do is guess which definition is accurate. Go wild. You sicko.

1. A harpaxophiliac is aroused by:
a. Aborigines
b. from being robbed
c. a Marx brother
d. stringed instruments, especially upright – oh god, upright – ones
e. wigs.

2. Bradycubia refers to:
a. an overpowering attraction to Marsha Brady
b. an overpowering attraction to Greg Brady
c. an overpowering desire to watch Greg nail Marsha
d. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of his partner's vagina or anus
e. a sex technique where the male slowly thrusts in and out of Greg and/or Marsha Brady

3. If you're an ochlophiliac you really get off on:
a. crowds
b. summer squash
c. Scottish accents
d. the Spider-man bad guy with the arms
e. spitting off highway bypasses

4. If a lover offered you a little scrotal infusion, it means they're about to:
a. kick you in the nuts
b. kiss you on the nuts
c. help you kiss your own nuts, with ropes and a fence puller
d. let you force your scrotum into one of their orifices
e. inject a saline solution into your ballsack until it looks like a hairy water balloon

5. A wild evening of formicophilia would require
a. a hydraulic jack and a can of Fix-A-Flat
b. a kitchen countertop with a hole in it
c. a jar of honey and a jar of ants
d. a wire brush and a bottle of iodine
e. a pile of dirty laundry

6. A stupprator is only sexually interested in:
a. newlyweds
b. virgins
c. uniformed people
d. comatose people
e. stupid people

7. A gomphipothic person would be intensely aroused by the sight of your:
a. Social Security card
b. Aunt
c. Jesse Helms hand puppet
d. Incisors
e. anorak

8. If you hop in the bed of an ophidicist, watch out for:
a. snakes
b. beetles
c. novelty lunchboxes
d. piles of sand
e. unspooled cassette tape

9. If your lover offers you a quick round of genuphallation it means you get to stick it:
a. in your lover's armpit
b. in your lover's toaster oven
c. between your lover's earphones
d. in a moistened light socket
e. between your lover's knees

10. Kokigami is the art of wrapping the penis in:
a. aluminum foil
b. piping hot towels
c. darling little paper or cloth costumes
d. bacon and held in place with toothpicks
e. hundreds of rubber bands until it looks like a balloon animal

11. If you engage in amatripsis it means you masturbate by:
a. stroking your penis with your own heels
b. rubbing your labia together
c. rubbing up against a public official
d. thinking about pop stars
e. rubbing fistfuls of money all over yourself

12. An albutophiliac would just lose all control in your:
a. hiney
b. lobby
c. attic
d. sprinklers
e. socks

13. Tripsolagniacs could probably pick up a cheap thrill at:
a. the local beauty salon
b. the local grocery store
c. the local cemetery
d. the local courthouse, especially the witness stand
e. the local slaughterhouse, especially by the runoff area

14. If a thlipsosist sneaks up behind you, you're about to get:
a. hugged
b. mugged
c. showered
d. goosed
e. pinched

15. Siderodromopjiliacs are aroused to a remarkable degree from:
a. voting
b. soap operas
c. trains
d. a guy named Sid
e. scuba suits with the nipples cut out

16. Most of my friends would probably appreciate a knismolagniac – they get get turned on from:
a. laughing
b. tickling
c. falling off furniture during sexual congress
d. falling off a municipal bus during sexual congress
e. engaging in an act of sexual congress with a member of Congress

17. Which word does not mean "arousal from person of same sex":
a. iterandria
b. uranism
c. sexual inversion
d. selglalia
e. lung-yang

18. I could be considered a nanophiliac because all of my lovers have been:
a. short
b. incontinent
c. indiscriminating
d. big busted, thank heaven
e. blind, deaf, and apparently unable to smell

19. Pareunasthenia is a fancified word for:
a. a sexual attraction to sea bass
b. male masturbation with the hole in a 45 rpm record
c. sex involving runny cheese
d. a desire to pollinate flower displays in store windows
e. a limp willy

20. Perhaps the strangest fetish of all is normophilia, which refers to:
a. an attraction to fat guys on barstools
b. a desire to have sex the same way your neighbor does, but better
c. a preference for being ravished by William, Duke of Normandy
d. those only aroused from acts considered normal by their particular society or religion
e. a fetish for men with penises of exactly average size, to be determined by means of a measuring tape, a micrometer, a weight scale, and the latest copy of Cosmo

Answers:
1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 e, 5 c, 6 b, 7 d, 8 a, 9 e, 10 c, 11 b, 12 d, 13 a, 14 e, 15 c, 16 b, 17 d, 18 a, 19 e, 20 d

All terms taken from Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. I recommend it; it's guaranteed to make you feel better about your own twisted perversions.

So, you've mastered the Art of Love. You are inhumanly aware of your lover's erogenous zones, personal preferences, and secret desires, and you know unerringly when to be sweet and gentle and when to get rough. Every sex act, no matter how quick or spontaneous, ends in soul-satisfying simultaneous orgasms, and you are both capable of holding each other on the ragged edge of sweet release for hours at a time until you can time your explosions with the slow rising of the sun.

So why are you getting bored?

Simple, really — you need contrast. How can you really enjoy the heights of sensual mastery if you never have a bad fuck anymore? You can't truly appreciate the hard-earned mastery of your own body if there's no chance of losing it thirty seconds after you unzip.

But how can you relive those feelings of helpless fury, lack of communication, and determined impotence? We're here to help. What follows is a list of suggestions for you and yours to add to your godlike sex life as an occasional reality check. Just rip each one from your monitor and follow the instructions.

Ancestor Worship

It is an age-old guideline that if you want to see what your wife will be like in her later years, you have only to look towards her mother. Now's your chance to show your lady that you'll still be deeply in love and lust with her in her declining years by spending the day emphasizing how attractive you find her mom. Discuss her probable future appearance ("Honey, I just love those crows-feet you're getting! Rowff!") and make sure she knows that you don't care what gravity is doing to her.
At the end of the evening, surprise her by ducking into the bathroom and allowing her to see the sexy outfit you've laid out for her: purple jogging pants, an oversized Garfield sweatshirt, support hose, a pair of those nurse sneakers, and a shawl. Make sure you call out her mom's name a few times, too. Just think how relaxed and flattered she'll be!

Ingredients: old lady clothes, old lady shoes, Vick's.

Hail, Hail, the Gang Was All Here

You know what your husband likes, and you know know how he likes it. But do you know what one of the best parts of his sex life is, the part he doesn't share with you?

Telling his friends about it. Nailing a righteous babe like yourself, over and over again, just isn't complete unless he can lord it over all his friends. You wouldn't believe the sheer pleasure he gets from being the absolute center of attention when all of his drunken friends hang on his every word as he describes exactly what you do under the sheets. And you can help! What better way to prove your husband's manliness than by showing all his friends how lucky he is? Do them all!

Pick a day when you know he'll be out until evening, and then invite all his friends, one by one or in groups, to come sample what he's been tapping. Just imagine how envious his friends will be, knowing that your man can get what they're getting any time he wants!

That night, you can whisper to your man how much luckier he is than all of his friends, or at least all the ones you could reach. He'll be bursting with pride!

Ingredients: a buncha guys, a few more, one of those "Take A Number" machines, a lot of beer, and one last guy, for luck.

Simultaneous Submission

Has your lady been dropping some interesting hints recently? One of the most compelling hidden fantasies is to be completely helpless and at the mercy of another for your sexual gratification, and this is a wonderful gift to present to your lover. But make it a surprise — some simple, fast-closing restraints can be purchased at any good sex shop or sub-code sanitarium, and you can attach them to the corners of the bed under the covers. Romance her all evening, seduce her into the bedroom as only you can, and lay her back amidst the sheets. Then, while she stretches languorously, swiftly snap the restraints around her wrists and ankles before she can react. As you stand away from the bed, I guarantee you'll see the light of passion burning in her eyes as she tests the restraints one by one and smiles an anticipatory smile at you.

Disrobe, slowly, letting her fires build, and then quickly rush over to the closet doorway where you've attached four more restraints. Snap yourself in before you can react and then pull tightly until you can't reach to release yourself. Now you're both ready to enjoy the hot, pulsating explosion of complete submission.

Ingredients: A nice dinner, some mood music, eight scary-looking leather restraints, and an understanding neighbor within screaming range.

Tools of Power

Ever see that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks where Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and then feeds her right out of the refrigerator, not only exciting her but arousing every single woman in the theater?
Why should your man miss out on this?

However, most guys don't react as strongly to the sensual possibilities of food (although they do like watching you eat an ice cream cone), so you need to take them somewhere where they can feel comfortable in their surroundings as you startle and tease them with unexpected sensations.

The garage.

Blindfold him slowly and tightly, making sure he can't see, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Now take his hand, run it quickly and lightly over your own body to get his interest, and then lead him into the garage. The familiar scent of grease, hot metal, and kitty litter should inflame his senses. Take his clothes off, letting your hands tease him here and there, and then sit him down in front of the water heater. Now tantalize him with the sensual touch of everything on the garage shelves until he can't take any more! Pipe wrenches tighten deliciously, belt sanders provide lip-biting friction, the claw-end of a hammer offers some intriguing possibilities, duct tape can keep him where you want him, and you'll be amazed what a simple Black and Decker electric screwdriver can do to that bundle of sensitive nerve tissue, the prostate. Keep some kerosene handy for cleaning up.

Ingredients: an entire Sears Craftsman socket set, a wood vise, and the gallon size jug of WD-40. Yeah, baby!

My Little Hooker

Roleplaying is a great way to liven up your sex life, it says so in all the manuals. Wouldn't you like to enjoy that heady thrill of picking up a strange woman for some no-frills, no-commitment, no-last-names fun? I'll bet if you asked, your ladyfriend might be more interested than you'd think. She'll have the excitement of being a mysterious lady of the evening, someone so sexy that men would pay anything for her, and in a perfectly safe situation. Let your imaginations soar!

Prepare yourselves separately and arrange to meet at a bar across town. Enter the room casually and order a drink, then look around and check out the merchandise. Hey, who's that ravishing creature over there? Think she might be interested?

Flirt with each other at the bar and then escort her out to your car. You might be surprised how forward she is in the car. Drive her to a motel, sign in under a fake name while she watches and then carry her and the booze over the threshold. Do you notice the new edge to her arousal? Can you tell that pretending to be a wanton is just what she's been wanting?

Once inside, close the door and lock it. Gulp down half the booze in one shot and then grab her by the hair. Rush her through a cold and heartless sex act, ideally one she won't usually do, and remind her constantly that you're paying for this. Now it's time to break out the heroin!

Ingredients: one cocktail dress, a pair of stiletto pumps, 3 cans of hair spray, some quarters for the condom machine, and a fistful of crumpled twenties.

9-1-Wonderful!

A quick and easy one — want to make your man feel strong, animalistic, brutal? Today's society prefers men to be gentle, sensitive, and calm, forcing your guy to constantly fight against hundreds of thousands of years of conditioning. Wouldn't it be liberating to let his inner beast out, just once?
Help him realize his secret, unrealized fantasies of rape and sheer, overpowering, atavistic he-man behavior by playing it to the hilt. As soon as he walks in the door tonight, scream as loud as you can, claw him across the face, and run into the bedroom. Slam the door, draw the children close to you and call the police. If he gets in, make him fight for every pleasure. Throw all the fixtures at him, kick him in the goolies, and above all, never stop screaming. He'll get an incredible rush of alpha-male dominance, briefly, until help arrives.

Ingredients: good lungs, pepper gas, a phone with speed-dial, and bail money.