Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Tomorrow night is the debut of Fox's new "reality-based" show Temptation Island. This is not a reality that the average person has ever experienced, although I do remember this one midnight-pizza-inspired fantasy I had once… If you haven't heard of it yet, here's the official description from the Temptation Island website:

"Temptation Island is a provocative new reality-based show produced by Rocket Science Laboratories. Four unmarried couples at a crossroads in their relationship and 26 singles that are looking for love travel to an exotic location to test the waters of temptation.

The couples, who are willing to test their relationships, will be set up on a variety of dates with three of the singles that best reflect their ideal mate. After two weeks of exploring the single world again, the couples will have the opportunity to discover if they have found the perfect mate."

There's been some controversies already, as with any good sensationalistic show, namely lotsa religious factions complaining that this encourages infidelity and promiscuity. Fox has responded that the show is not at all about sex, but about the fascinating spectacle of human beings torn between conflicting desires and loyalties. Now, this perfectly understandable situation did bring up a few questions in the minds of my spouse and myself.

• How far into international waters did Fox have to go to find an island that would host this?
• Do they honestly expect us to believe that they're not counting on sex to sell this show? I mean, if not then why didn't they host it in an old age home?
• Is there anyone who hasn't heard the excuse "I was at a crossroads and I had to learn whether I truly loved you or not" and believed it? Isn't that usually the line that comes out after "I never touched her" and "Your incessant, relentless habit of patiently loving me drove me into the arms of those 15 women"?
• Will Rudy be there? He's great.
• If you were one of the singles and you managed to successfully seduce one of the spoken-for people, would you want them afterwards?
• If you were one of the coupled people, do you really think the singles are honestly dying to form lifelong commitments with some pathetic bozo they could snatch that easily?
• How did half of the couples ever manage to talk the other half into this? Why couldn't we see that video?
• Do the singles get together late at night and giggle about how well they did?
• Will the singles pair off in the off-hours? Could we get some footage of that?
• Whom should we root for? "Stay together, you two! Bond! Bond!" "Nail that romantically-committed bitch, dude!"
• Does "testing the waters of temptation" include anal?
• Will they have to eat rats? Please?
• Are they limited to one-on-one pairings? Could we get a tender, emotionally compatible group of about 14 of 'em going, with lotions and 360º panoramic video?
• What kind of incredibly stupid fricking idiot manages to somehow forget the omnipresent cameras and boom mikes that are just dying to boost Fox advertising revenue by televising the slightest lapse in monogamy so that the whole world can watch every twitch and moan? Not to mention the chance for their soon-to-be-ex to watch them fool around, over and over, in reruns and in downloadable screen savers.
• Or, more to the point, if the object is for the singles to try to seduce you and you can't keep it in your pants for two weeks, couple or no couple, doesn't that point to deeper problems than just romantic ones?
• And the important one – why don't we ever get invited to stuff like this?

Seriously, my wife and I would love an opportunity like this. Just imagine, you've been told the premise: you'll go to this beautiful tropical island, split up, and get three beautiful people ideally suited for you spending their every waking hour, for twelve days, trying to seduce you. Wouldn't you jump at it?

We talked it over and brought it down to two possible scenarios, both agreed-upon well in advance:

1) We would go in with the express purpose of nailing as many of the singles as possible. Singly, in groups, sequentially, concurrently and then back again. Spend two weeks seeing if you can win the hearts of all three singles assigned to you, then play them off against each other. Wear 'em out and ask for three more. Meet up with your significant other afterwards and compare totals, then head home.

"I got all three, babe! You?"

"All three, the assistant writer and the key grip! High five!"

2) Enjoy twelve days of total attention and abject adoration from three stunning people who would probably never look twice at you in real life unless you scuffed their beemer. Relish in the heady thrills of your own harem. Make them run footraces for your love, or promise to spend the evening with the first one to bring you back the left shoe from a television producer. See how close you feel like letting them get to your goodies before you reject them like the karma-driven maniac you are. Let them think they're about to break through your heroic resistance just before you turn away in anguished (and gleeful) integrity.

"Oh Jerri, I think…"

"Yes?" (kissing along the jawline while pressing her breasts against your chest)

"I think… I think I might… love…"

"Yes? Oh, say it! Say it!" (rubbing hard against your thigh and looking up, about to plunger her tongue into your mouth)

"No!" (turning in tortured profile in proper soap opera drama fashion, just in time for her face to smack hard against your ear) "I can't! Oh God in heaven, I can't! Say, I could sure use another one of those great footrubs."

Either way, it spells one hell of a vacation, and the next best thing to living here.

My 8 year old son has quickly learned how best to devote his time and energies towards learning and defeating any and all video games that cross his path, and he does so in a very direct and forthright manner: he gets online and looks up cheat codes.

He hasn't quite figured out why I'm not at all impressed with the way he swept through the opposing forces to win the day when I know for a fact that his character couldn't be killed and was probably whistling during the bloodbath, all because of some letter combinations he typed in at the beginning of the game.

"But dad, I won!" he says, turning toward me while behind him his character keeps winning without him.

Last night, after he scooted back into his room with a fresh batch from the web, I looked at my wife and said "Imagine when he starts dating and tries to find the cheat codes for it." And we laughed. And then we looked at each other, and grew thoughtful. Why the hell aren't there any cheat codes for dating? My mission was clear.

DATING CHEAT CODES (for use with the DateSharkTM adapter)

At the begining of your date, type these codes into your DateSharkTM handheld unit and keep it in your pocket throughout the date. Do not turn the DateSharkTM off! Please be aware that the Spony Corporation does not guarantee the social success of any of these codes, they are presented here for entertainment value only.

DATECASH – grants you $100. Can only be used once per evening.
DATESPIFF – restores your health, cleans your clothing and freshens your breath for those abrupt meetings.
DATEWHEELZ – lets you cycle through the available automobiles until you find the one that'll make the best impression.
DATEGAUGE – gives you a heads-up display that tracks how well you are (or aren't) doing.
DATETALK – allows you to simulate sensitive and informed conversation. Political or religious conversations will require modifiers.
DATECHAT – provides a hidden drop-down list of your date's interests and favorite foods
DATESCENE – lets you change backgrounds, so the grubby dockside pub becomes a four-star bistro.
DATEJERK – provides a dial so you can adjust your date's intelligence level from "Moron" to "Professor".
DATEGULP – allows you to eat any and all home-cooked food with impunity.
DATEZOOM – lets you jump levels so you can move straight from "1st Date" to "Sleepover". Also works in the opposite direction, for dates that are moving along a little too fast.
DATENOBABY – grants you immediate birth control, lasts until the next round
DATESHROOM – makes you twice the size and adds speed and endurance. Also you glow.
DATETOOL – grants you all of your weapon.
DATE69 – makes your date do that thing you like, whatever it is.
DATEGARD – prevents the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, such as line-dancing.
DATEAMYL – grants you full energy.
DATEZONE – provides a graphic map of your date's body, pointing out specific strategies and areas of interest (hint – perfect for discovering hidden surprises and easter eggs)
DATESHIELD – protects you against all ex-es, irate family members and protective pets.
DATEDEUS – god mode. Allows you to score anybody, regardless of your own personality or physical charms. Also known as the Scott Baio maneuver.
CTR-W – save date. Allows you to save the date whenever you've mastered a level, so as not to jeopardize your standings if you screw up. "Hey you got to 'Hand Under the Bra'! Save! Save!"
CTR-O – open date. After you do screw up, just hit CTR-O and restore the date to the previous level of success.
CTR-ALT-DEL – for when the evening is tanking big time. Restores you back to your home, alone, in good health, dressed, and undiseased.
CTR-Z – clear memory. Ideal for the next morning when you'd really rather your date didn't remember how to find you, ever again.
CTR-YOW – spouse mode. A few quick keystrokes and your date turns into an old, ugly, fully dressed business associate.

Keep in mind that this is a two (or more) player game and your date may also have a DateSharkTM, so your results may vary. Happy hunting!

Coming soon – the DateSharkTM web site. Head to our online database and type in your date's name to get responses from other players who have played your date. Tips, tricks, even complete walkthroughs!

"All right class, settle down. There's just a few more minutes until the bell, and you need to hear this weekend's assignment. I know, I know, you can stop 'awwwing' now. Sex education is too important and we've fought too hard to finally bring it out in the open. You teens don't remember, but years ago sex education was a crippled, censored thing that only served to confuse students without ever really addressing the problems at all. Who here can tell me what 'abstinence-only' programs were? Carla?"

"They were the sex-ed programs that would only teach kids not to do it."

"Correct, well done. This would occasionally include some basic information about disease-prevention, but not always. Now, can anyone tell me the drawback of abstinence-based sexual education programs? Anyone? Zack?"

"Um, cuz if you tell someone not to do something, they'll want to do it more?"

Read the rest of this entry »

I know what you want. You want to date a classy lady, someone with manners and couth, a woman who gets out of the shower to pee. You want someone to be seen with that'll make the other guys want to lick your arm. You want to date a supermodel.

I can help you. Just follow these simple tips and you'll have them falling over you, and not just from anorexia.

Don't tell her she's pretty. She knows that, idjit. She gets paid for her appearance, and hundreds of people tell her every day how perfect she is. Not only is it unoriginal, it's also the only thing about herself over which she has no real control – supermodels are very aware that they make a living from being genetic flukes. Compliment her on her attire, her bearing, her jokes, her witty conversation, her amazing capacity for stimulants. Even better, point out her imperfections. She'll eat it up, and she'll know you can see beyond the beauty to the real her. Make sure you mention every enlarged pore, every pimple, each inappropriate hair, any dangling nasal mucous, the growing bags under her eyes.
"Hey gorgeous, getting a little spread back there?" She'll swoon.

Be ugly and talented. Seriously. Look at the history: Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel, Heather Thomas and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, Kate Hudson and the straggly guy from The Black Crowes… Hot chicks dig ugly, talented guys, so get cracking and start playing. You might not even have to be really good, I dunno. Has Bret Michaels done anything? I don't really keep up with these kids. Just tell 'em you play rhythm guitar, then all you have to be able to do is play a couple chords and consume a city bus full of liquor in a single sitting.

Be rich and ugly. A slight clarification: be rich and sick and ugly. I don't think I need to go into this one, if you can't figure it out on your own then you might as well not bother. If you have acres of loose wealth, go hang around Anna Nicole Smith and cough a lot.

Be hung like a bull moose. There's no other excuse for Tommy Lee.

Be political. Another way in which former president Bill Clinton has led the way for all of us. He's been linked to former Miss America Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former Miss Arkansas Sally Perdue, former bad singer Gennifer Flowers, and there's rumors he's even been intimate with New York Senator Hillary Rodham (unsubstantiated at the time of this article). At least democratic presidents remember how to have sex! Lots of senators, congressmen, consultants, diplomats and appointees have been seen with the glamour world's best and bright… um, best. Keep in mind that at the grassroots level you'll have to settle for housewives and the occasional starry-eyed teenage campaign volunteer, but if politics teaches you nothing else it will teach you how to compromise.

Be funny. 91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own data sheets included "sense of humor" in the turn-ons section, as far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out of his nose. A guy that can say just the right thing at just the right time is obviously perceptive and sensitive enough to know just how to touch her. Funny men make the best lovers.

Okay, granted, women prefer funny men who are also drop-dead gorgeous. And yeah, it's really easy for funny guys to fall into the "best friend I can tell anything to but would never dream of having sex with" slot. I hated that slot. I lived in that psychology torture chamber for 6 years. I always had lots of close female friends, the ones that kept telling me "only you really understand me" and then turn around and describe how they blew some guy they just met last night, I just wanted to sneak up behind her with a rope and…

Ha ha! Yes sir, a sense of humor is all you really need. When she's laughing she's not affecting a worldly pose, she's being human, and that's right where you want to get your basic supermodel. Also, when things start geting really intimate, you can't go wrong with a good hemorrhoid joke.

Turn her down first. The novelty of it is sure to get her interested. As soon as she's within earshot, like the other side of the bar or just one balcony up, proclaim loudly that "No, I'm sorry Tyra, it just wouldn't work out between us. We're too different, and as exciting as you are I still want to see other people." See the tricky psychological twist in there? Now she'll go crazy wondering why she's not good enough to hold your interest. At least I think she will, haven't tried this yet. But it feels right. You should probably also drink a lot.

Be gay. Just think of the possibilities! She'll trust you. She'll confide in you (see above). She'll undress in front of you. She'll invite her friends over to try and convert you. My god, I can't imagine why no one has thought of this before, it could work!

Okay, she'll probably just marry you to cover her own homosexuality from the paparazzi, but you'll still probably get to see her naked, and that's more than you get now, right?

Well, I've done all I can here. Next week we'll go over your failures, and we'll discuss how to take the easier step of converting your current old lady into a supermodel. Hey, why buy the milk when you can put a dress on the cow, am I right?

The following is an excerpt from the nearly-exciting new book, "Make Mine Vanilla" by Kurt Hanrehan, coming out this fall from Missionary Press.

Has sex gotten boring for you? Does it seem like it's hardly worth it to test the eyehooks in the ceiling anymore, or oil the harnesses, or schedule everyone for the weekend orgy? Have you ever been licking your master's tire treads clean and suddenly realized you'd rather watch TV? Does the thought of your lover pissing on you from atop of the china cabinet just not hold the thrill it used to? Do you ever find yourself staring at your pierced labia and just wondering "why?"

Don't fret, my friend. You just need to limit your sex life.

It's a common complaint these days. After years of civil rights movements, increased sexual awareness, lessened social stigmas, and an unavoidable all-absorbing flood of ever-more-explicit sex in all forms of media, people were encouraged to open up their drab sexual lives and embrace the weird. Ropes, chains, diapers, groups of thirty at a time, inserting chunks of lead through various organs, controlled asphyxiation, phone sex, cybersex, tantric sex, fiurry sex, hot wax, fetishes of all sorts, humiliation, four hour orgasms, and even aggravated celibacy have all broken the taboo barrier and are all now commonplace. And that's the problem. You're jaded. You have no new sticky vistas, no shining sexual edge to seek. You pushed the envelope and now it's gone. So what now? Take up gardening? Spend time with the needy? Pay more attention to your family?

No! It's time for you to try the last unexplored sexual lifestyle, with sexual techniques that have been passed down for thousands of years. Vanilla sex. Just like your parents used to do. Well, maybe your grandparents. Or the elderly neighbors. Read the rest of this entry »

So. You've got a video camera, and you and your lover have decided to film yourselves having sex (these two events often occur the same day, sometimes while you're still in Best Buys). This is a wholely admirable thing, in my view. It shows the depth of your love for one another, it shows that you prefer reality to fake, pre-packaged porn, and it shows that you're completely free and comfortable having a camera lens sticking up between your legs. Good for you!

First things first, Cecille B. First you need to make sure your lover's into it. Might not be a bad idea to make sure you won't freeze up yourself, hotshot. Try having sex in front of a camera in more innocent places – the photo booth at the mall, behind local newscasters doing live stories ("Hi mom!"), at a major league ballgame so you can get on the JumboTron ("Hi dad!"). and like that. Go find the security cameras at work and do a screen test. Or you can go the mundane approach of setting up the camera to display on your tv and then either film yourself fully clothed (to get an idea of how big your butt looks) or just watch yourselves without recording (you wuss, you). Read the rest of this entry »

The sexual dry spell. Every relationship will have one at some point or another, but don't worry. It's not fatal. It just seems like it. It's a good time to relax, to reflect on the pure and refined love you feel for your life companion(s), a time to bank the fires of your libido so that they may surge forward like a roaring, relentless wave when the time is ripe. Here's some tips:

• Masturbation with lube is much easier than without, especially if you're going for the land speed record.
• There are more and more adult shops popping up around, but they seem to have the same old crap. I think they just ship it back and forth.
• On the plus side, vibrator design has radically improved and some of the box cover pictures even look as if they were taken after the 70's. Wow!
• Pause buttons on VCRs suck. Go with laser disks or DVD if you want freeze-frame capability.
• During a dry spell, flirtation and light sexy joking with friends and co-workers is still fine and dandy. Constant references to how long it's been "since you last popped one" are not.
• Don't let pets in your room. No matter how calm they are in the beginning, towards the end they might think you're having some sort of attack and either try to lick the source of activity or go for help.
• Now's the perfect time to work on your staying power and aim, when there's no pressure or spectators. My teenage habit of stopping between magazine photo layouts to actually read the articles proved to be an excellent training method.
• Never, never buy swingers magazines, no matter how hot the babe on the cover is. That will be the only good picture. Inside you will always find newsprint pages filled with tons of ads and grainy black and white pictures of your next door neighbor with a Rocky Horror wig on his head and garden produce up his bum.
• Thanks to millions of horny old ladies with purchasing power, grocery store bestsellers are now rife with sex as filthy as you could desire, just perfect for those long waits in the over-10-items line.
• If you're the sort to record such things, a simple code can allow you to keep track in a journal or diary. Making marks on the bathroom wall is considering gauche.
• Beware fast-forward buttons. I invariably scoot past where I wanted to be and waste a perfectly good climax on an exterior establishing shot of a condo. Now's a good time to choke down and let 'er idle while you wait for the good scene again.
• Handiwipes can sting.
• Streaming video is horrible to wank to. Who wants to get right to the point of bliss and suddenly Pam Anderson starts buffering?
• Family members don't take well to having the bathroom blockaded for more than an hour at a time, the inconsiderate bastards.
• Unless your privacy is absolutely assured, choose a lubricant that can be quickly wiped off. Girl scouts stare at you when you answer the door wearing a towel and dripping olive oil.
• Lock your door.
• Holding a magazine open and flat is a bitch with only one hand, and dropping it in the toilet is embarrassing. I suggest using a music stand. Lightweight and won't interfere with your aim.
• Your kids don't really believe that your "friend" is just a face massager. Face massagers don't have fake veins.
• If you get walked in on during a bad moment, pretend you're having a seizure and motion for them to force a spoon in your mouth.
• And an important one – when you step out of the shower, never ever forget which towel was last used where.

Having sex in a motel room is not precisely a new idea, I'm given to understand, but one can always learn a few new tricks. Sure, you could do it the way your parents did – checking in with that vaguely guilty look (even if they were married at the time), washing up separately, laying a towel down to keep the sheets clean and avoid embarrassing the maid, having furtive and quiet sex so the equally-shameful people next door wouldn't hear, washing up separately again, and then either watching a movie so it wouldn't be so obvious they were there just to have sex, or going to sleep so they could wake up 300 times in the middle of the night before finally getting up at 6:30 in the a.m., sore and miserable. Good times.

But why limit yourself to that, fun though it may be? You've just paid someone a wad of cash to borrow their room for a while. Enjoy it! Here's some tips: Read the rest of this entry »

Monday night Teres and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary in a singularly appropriate manner – by eating a lot and making fun of things.

We went to the Colorado Fondue Company in Casselberry to happily gorge ourselves. I confess to an ulterior motive: as long as I've known her, as much time as we've spent together, I've never managed to coax that specific sound of utterly satisfied delight that she emits when she eats a strawberry dripping with Amaretto chocolate.

When we arrived there Teres proved once again how well suited we are – she presented me with a present (a magnetic happyface that plays "You Are My Sunshine") and this month's Cosmo for us to make fun of while waiting for our food. It was time well spent. I no longer believe it is possible to think up parody versions of Cosmo articles that are stupider or funnier than the real ones. I'm not sure exactly what values they're going by these days, except for the ones that state "The article better mention sex, no matter what it is, especially if it's on the cover". Hell, Playboy even has non-sex articles occasionally. But anyway…

Looking through the Cosmo and reading the articles on "What You Wish Your Man Knew" and "Secrets Your Mom Never Told You" and "What the Hell is That Thing on His You-Know, Anyway?", I thought about the things I've picked up during my relationship with my ladylove. Oddly enough, none of them ever show up in any of the glamour magazine articles…

• It is not only possible to be both utterly dependable and completely unpredictable, it is essential. She must be able to trust in you and rely on you, but she should never really be sure what you're going to do next. I find that bringing dinner home unexpectedly or carefully covering her in feathers while she's asleep helps accomplish this nicely.
• I really can't stress this enough – problems that blow up during her period are still problems. Once I dismissed something she said just because "she was on her period". Once.
• Do what your lover asks for, even if they were kidding. Especially if they were kidding. A month ago she was heading out for groceries and asked if I wanted her to bring anything back. I aimed my attentions at her chest area and nodded happily. Two hours later she came back and presented me with the groceries and a pair of mismatched silicone bra inserts. I love her.
• There's a little girl or boy somewhere behind those eyes, and they like attention on occasion. Tuck her into bed, give him a GI Joe for Christmas, serenade her by playing "Truly, Madly, Deeply" on a Fisher Price piano.
• Do not ever use roll-on body glitter on each other an hour before you're to have dinner with her mother. Really.
• Always call. Call when you're late, call when you're early, call for the hell of it, call because you were fantasizing about her at work and you just need her to say the words "faster, Hector, faster" to cap it off.
• Make fun of other people. It's great fun and it helps cement you together, in a sort of "us vs them" kinda way.
• Don't be afraid to go over the top. Be wildly romantic. Don't be afraid to flatter her or treat her like royalty in front of your friends. She deserves it and, if you need a more pragmatic reason, remember that she'll sleep with you and your friends won't. You should develop a romantic style appropriate to your personality (mine is a cross between Don Juan Demarco and Groucho Marx; think of Gomez Addams without the latino thing) but the cool thing is if you do it long enough, it becomes second nature. Which leads to…
• Aspire to be pussy-whipped. It should be your goal, your final achievement. Admit it, if she'd do the monkey thing with you whenever you wanted then you'd do anything for her, right? Do it first. Guys tend to lean towards the theory that "if she gave me some once in a while, I'd be nicer to her". Read this along with me: "She might give you some if you're nice to her". In that order.
• Worship each other. Being pussy-whipped only works if it goes both ways (well, you know what I mean). He really should be the most important thing in your life, just as you should be the most important thing in his.
• Learn to appreciate her interests, no matter how lame they are.
• You can look at all the other women you want, just mock them when you do so. "Look at that one, you know she bought those titties cheap!" Meanwhile you get to get a good look together. It's a bonding moment.
• Be fair. Don't ask her to do anything you're not prepared to try yourself, even if it's specifically against the laws of god and man.
• When she mentions a store and you tell her something like "maybe we'll stop by there tomorrow", make sure you remember that you said that. Otherwise you'll wake up the next day expecting to sleep late and then play basketball only to find that she's already up and ready and has planned her whole day around the promised event, including travel times and lunch schedule. Follow through on your promises or don't make them.
• Grab a towel and bring it to bed before you get started, you'll appreciate it later. If you forgot, then whomever ended up on top has to get the towel.
• Learn to give back and neckrubs. More importantly, learn to give them without giving in to the irresistable impulse to grab her hooters. You can do that later, when she's relaxed and can't stop you.
• When you make sly and witty comments about oral sex, she knew what you meant. She's just ignoring it and hoping you'll forget. Let it go for now.
• Before beginning a romantic interlude with your lover, be sure to give your dog a rawhide chew.
I can only hope that these tips help others as they've helped me.

Friends and neighbors, I am here to tell you of a social evil so chilling, so widespread, that most people don't even realize the dangers involved.

I am speaking of the term "sucks."

Now I want to stress that I have no problem at all with that word being used correctly, to mean to draw something in by or as if by suction, as in "she sucks harder than the bilge pump on the Titanic." This is fine and good, and I approve it whole-heartedly, especially if I know that from personal experience.

But more and more of late I have heard the word "sucks" used as a term of disparagement, to imply that something is of inferior quality ("this administration sucks!") or to be repellent ("rap sucks!") or to express contempt ("recapitulationary theories suck!"). Since the early 1900's such phrases as "sucks to them" has been popular, a forerunner of the current "sucks to be you." Painful events were considered "sucky" (possibly because they caused one to suck in one's cheeks). And finally, today, it has become so widespread that the word "sucks" can be used on children's programming ("Bert, you suck!").

It has even developed degrees of badness. Witness the many variations and conjugations that have sprung up:

suckadelic Something that sucks. Example: "That undescended testicle is so suckadelic!"
suckage To express extreme displeasure at the situation at hand. Example: "Oh, total suckage! You were that close to making it to the bathroom!"
suckalicious It sucks to an alarming degree. Example: "Bummer, man, that tapeworm is suckalicious."
suckfarm To suck in a major way. Example: "Suckfarm! It bit my other leg off!"
suckfest Something that sucks deliberately and for an extended period of time. Example: "The Protestant Reformation was one long suckfest."
suckitude A measurement of how much something sucks. Example: "The suckitude of that malignant tumor is beyond belief!"
sucktacular Something that sucks so much that all other forms of "suck" are insufficient. Example: "That televangelist is seriously sucktacular!"

Note that there are no minor degrees of "suck." Either something that sucks is really bad, or it's much worse. And even that wouldn't bother me – language changes, English more than most. But this one bothers me, a lot.

See, I've always considered "sucks" to be a good thing. A thing to treasure. If I describe my wife as "suckalicious" or "suckadelic" I am offering the highest of praises. And I sincerely hope that at least once in my lifetime I am privileged enough to attend a "suckfest."

Why are we allowing that most hallowed and desirable of actions to be used as a derogatory term? Do you want the lovers you meet to have the subconscious certainty that "suck" equals "yuck?" It's enough work just convincing them that sucking is good in the first place, without making it tougher for everybody. Personally, if my wife ever develops the notion that "sucks" is solely a bad thing, I'm going to come out there and beat the crap out of each and every one of you. I'll certainly have enough nervous energy for it.

Let's restore "sucks" to the noble height it deserves. Avoid using it in such a cavalier, dismissive manner. Don't let your kids use it, refuse to allow coworkers to use it in your presence, ban it from your partner's vocabulary unless it's meant as a kind offer or urgent demand. Spread the word, Stop Saying "Sucks"!

Hell, why not take it the other direction? Start using "sucks" to describe something inutterably good. "That hot fudge sundae really sucks, Emily!" he said happily. Turn it into what it deserves to be, the highest accolade you can give. You'd want to find the lover that sucks the most, wouldn't you? Why not extend that to everything else? The suckiest movies of 2002. The most sucktacular job you've ever had. The Academy Award for the Most Suckitude by a Supporting Actor. Tell someone you love that they suck, and make them feel proud of it. Take a stand now, while there's still time, and make a difference that can result in deep satisfaction for all of us. Spread the word! Tell your friends! Go door to door, it's legal! Set up a stand outside the local grocery store and hand out pamphlets. We have to save this wonderful word from falling, irrevocably, into despair.

Because to let it go would make a sadder world for us all. And that would really suck.