Posts Tagged ‘stuff’

Tired of recharging your Palm Pilot or Zire every night? Frustrated with the cracked screen on your PocketPC? Move to the hottest new design for convenient data organization and portable storage: paper.

The PocketMod was devised by Chad Adams to print all your need-to-have info onto a piece of paper that, with one cut and three folds, becomes a flippable 8-page book that fits nicely into your purse or back pocket. The Flash app allows you to pick and choose what to put on each page, and there's a downloadable version.

Me, I don't think my handwriting recognition software is up to it.

Are you surrounded at all times by all your favorite music? Is your home theater system powerful enough to interfere with the navigation of passing airliners? Is there a constant hum around your body due to the number of Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, Internet-enabled flat screen plasma devices located about your person?

Do you, in fact, have enough cool stuff?

Never fear, little technophile. There's plenty more on the way, as witnessed by the goggle-eyed attendees of last week's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas and this week's Macworld in San Francisco. If you can somehow afford it you can now do, apparently, anything. Here's some of the highlights of these exciting conventions.

– Microsoft's founder Bill Gates kicked things off by launching his brand new Vista operating system that incorporates cutting edge innovations pioneered by Apple a few years ago. Meanwhile, Apple founder Steve Jobs bragged that Macs would soon be using blindingly fast Intel chips, just like Microsoft already has. Gates then stuck out his tongue at Jobs and hurled a promotional Microsoft messenger bag at Jobs' head. Jobs followed up with a folding chair, and celebrity spokespeople Robin Williams and Ellen DeGeneres were forced to use the fire hoses on the two corporate leaders amidst cheering crowds and the tune of "Rock You Like a Hurricane." Emergency personnel were summoned from where they had been attending to the wounded during the Google/Yahoo throwdown. Stocks for all companies involved rose approximately six points.

– To compete with the unstoppable, inexplicable juggernaut that is the iPod, Brookpond Labs has created Gimme(TM), an MP3 player that automatically senses and remotely rips and collects any and all music anywhere in your vicinity including your CD collection, your neighbor's CD collection, any and all music files on your computer, the song your mom is humming, and the song playing in that commercial you can never remember the name of. At the end of the month you're invoiced for the licensing fees of whatever your Gimme(TM) has nabbed, so you may want to keep it turned off around music stores and concerts.

– Since there is absolutely no good reason why you should ever have to miss a second of television SumSang gives you the T-Bowl TV(TM), a 27" flat panel plasma humidity-resistant TV with built in towel rack and paper dispenser that fits on the wall in your bathroom.

– But even with the T-Bowl, TiVo, DVRs, and plain old-fashioned, hand-cranked VCRs you still might possibly be accidentally exposed to a few milliseconds of a show you don't like, and we can't have that. Check out the new KillIttNow(TM) television subscription service that allows you to voice your displeasure with the touch of a button. When enough "kill" votes are tallied the offending show will immediately be canceled, its performers scattered o'er the land, and its Emmys will be distributed to other shows.

– Live TV delivered to your front seat monitor, roof-mounted antennas that receive high-speed Internet, and GPSs that take you by the hand are all ready to help you take your mind and attention off all that boring driving.

– In the fight between Blu-ray and HD-DVD for the future of your DVD player, it has been announced that you personally will lose. Not only will the new standard DVD format, whichever one it is, be totally better than anything you've ever seen, even in dreams, the new mandatory player for it will be utterly incompatible with every DVD you've ever bought before and will actually melt old-format DVDs within proximity.

– In a surprise announcement, the SumSang Corporation revealed that while everyone in the world was asleep last night operatives broke into their houses, apartments, and hovels and installed SmartieChips(TM) inside every living human being's head. SmartieChips(TM) not only provide instant nonstop high-speed Internet access to your brain, they can also stream every song every recorded or thought of, receive local broadcasts and premium cable channels, schedule your life for the next 20 years (or more, with plugins), allow you to make wireless phone calls to anyone (living or dead) just by thinking about it, have enough storage capacity to contain everything, and take high-res photos of anything you blink at, for a small monthly subscription fee and a very large service plan for the resulting cancer.

All that and more await you! Until next year, when they just get silly.

Gas prices skyrocketing? I laugh at high gas prices! Granted, it's the kind of laughing when you can't stop and nice men have to come take you away, but still I think I'm optimistic.

That's because I know that all Americans have to do to get past this alarming economic crisis is to simply make small changes in our lifestyles, tiny sacrifices to our own comfort and convenience that will ultimately, if we all pull together, benefit everyone.

Since that's not going to happen, here's some other stuff you can do.

Avoid filling your gas tank to the top. Overfilling causes gas to slosh out and get wasted. Instead, catch the overflow in a Big Gulp cup and carry it with you until you can pour it back in.

Obsessively communicate with everyone you know until someone reports seeing a station selling gas 2 cents cheaper. Drive there immediately, even if it's across the state, and fill up. I'm not quite sure about the math on this one but it's the method my dad always used.

More and more people are rediscovering the joys of walking and bike-riding to help lower their fuel bills and improve their own health. I applaud this measure, because while they're out walking and riding I can sneak over to their cars and siphon out a few gallons.

Improve your gas mileage by streamlining your car. Remove anything that might increase wind resistance: luggage racks, spoilers, rearview mirrors, really thick pin striping, or windows that can be opened.

I'd suggest driving downhill as much as possible, but in Florida "downhill" is largely a vague, conceptual thing, like "snow" or "tasteful souvenirs." Instead, avoid driving where existing situations might make you slow down such as school zones, parking lots with speed bumps, or anyplace interesting enough to stop at.

You'll be amazed how much gas you can save if you drive in the air pocket behind large trucks, especially if you manage to attach your tow rope before they take off.

This isn't a gas-saving measure, but when you pull your small, fuel-efficient car into a gas station and there's a guy already pumping gas into his living-room-sized Escalade, and you fill your tank, clean your windshield, buy a Slurpee, and drive off before he finishes pumping, by no means should you roll your window down and yell, "Now I don't have to buy gas for a week!" Hospitals charge even more than gas stations. Restrict yourself to a smug smile of self-satisfaction and get out, fast.

Reduce your gas purchases by carpooling whenever possible. If there are no carpools available, get into parked cars that look like they might be heading your direction and wait. Or wait until your neighbor drives off in his carpool and then sneak over to his house, siphon hose in hand…

Drive exclusively on slick, wet roads. "Hydroplane" is from the Greek for "forward motion without expenditure of gasoline. Also, sometimes sideways motion."

Remember that corners, curves and lane changes require extra gas, and be sure to explain this to the policeman when he wants to know why you cut through a gymnasium.

Consider mass transit. OK, that's enough. Let's not get crazy, now.

Remove excess weight from the trunk or the inside of your car – hidden Christmas presents, spare tires, emergency equipment, extraneous family members, excess bumper stickers, the back seat – and watch your mileage soar. Look into trading your current family and friends for thinner ones.

By removing your floorboards you can drive the economical Flintstones way and increase your cardio at the same time.

But when it's all said and done, my personal favorite method is to simply never go anywhere, ever. That way I avoid traffic, stress over high prices, and mostly just other people. Thanks to our amazing Internet age, just about every personal need from books to music to conversation to movies to food to sex can be enjoyed or ordered online. Why use gas at all? Let the pizza place and the Fed-Ex guy do that.

That way I can spend my time guarding my garage against those sneaky petroleum scavengers. Back off, you greedy gas-suckers. I'm watching you.